Yesterday was a day of terror for me and last night I couldn’t sleep, thinking that any minute I would receive “the phone-call” from the nursing home, to say that Anthony had died.
In the early hours of today, I eventually slept but woke up and, once again, in the grip of that horrible terror, I reached for my phone. No messages. Phew.
This morning, I headed in to the nursing home, thinking I would be met by sombre faces and bad news and, instead, I found Anthony, alive and in a wheelchair, watching the news in one of the communal areas. I wheeled him back to his room and managed to get him into his armchair, then rang a couple of worried relatives so that they could speak to him on the phone. He managed a few words but kept handing the phone back to me.
At noon, I fed him his vitamised lunch which he ate most of and he said, about the dessert (a frothy vanilla mousse), “My favourite”. I must find out what it is so I can bring him some, because he loves it and it’s easy to swallow.
After lunch, he fell asleep, just like yesterday, but he didn’t lose consciousness. I know this because, every time I shook him, he woke up. Yesterday, he didn’t.
Yesterday forewarned me by forcing me to face the prospect of Anthony’s death, something I have been reluctant to do until now. And, in facing this inevitability, I am now forearmed with the knowledge of how to plan his funeral, right down to the kind of casket/coffin to purchase (the cheapest is still around $1,500 – I had no idea – Ants would be appalled!) I have decided who to ask to do readings, be pallbearers, deliver eulogies and am now trying to decide what music would be appropriate.
The terror has gone – whoosh – gone! There is no way of knowing how soon Anthony will die – even the doctor can’t predict that – but, as the latest deterioration has been so fast, and so shocking to me, I feel much more prepared than I was.
And that’s a good thing.
jmgoyder 
Well done for facing up to the inevitable, as I have said before, you are so brave.
Hugs to you, Anthony and Ming. It’s hard to face the prospect of losing a loved one.
continued hugs to the 3 of you. sometimes the ‘busyness’ of planning helps to take away some of the unknown and the fears, it offers you some measure of control and comfort, and allows you a chance to have a say in what happens, while you still are able to.
hugs
You are amazing. Hugs Jules xxoo
(((hugs)))
Ahhhh Julie. All I can do is sit way over here. Give Anthony a hug from me. I’m not even huggy. But I want him to be hugged by everyone who has traveled these last few years. Even if it is only through your words, they have carried us along with you. ❤
I’m so glad that Anthony is hanging in there. You might want to write everything down that you decided upon. Later, you likely won’t be able to remember anything. Grief is like that.
None of this is easy. You’re in my heart and thoughts. You, Ants, and Ming.
You can be as prepared as you want, but when it happens you still won’t be prepared for it mentally. Still, it’s good to have the business part of it done. I wish you strength. Anthony has been lucky to have such a caring wife, especially now when he needs you most.
I can almost feel your breath stuck in your throat in a sea of time that probably seems to have slowed right down…such a poignant post Julie. Look for the beauty and the treasured moments and hold them in your heart – they will carry you – as I hold you in my thoughts and prayers. ❤
Diana xo
What a blessing — to have him back for a little while. Yes, ask all the questions you can but enjoy just being with him. Remain strong for each new day. I care and follow your blog like so many others because my heart is with you.
I didn’t want to click like but I do want you to know I am thinking of you, I am never sure if it is better to know the inevitable is coming or whether it is better it comes quickly, maybe in a perfect world there is just the right amount of time for preparing but as this is not that world we all do the best we can, When I had my first spinal surgery a few years ago I was told how high the risks were and wrote letters to leave behind, at the time the monster was only a 6 month old baby, but after surviving I did rewrite them, I put down my wishes and then when my gran passed last year I discussed even further with my daughter what should happen under various circumstances. I think it is the beliefs we have about what comes next that helps those around us stay strong, I believe when the time comes you will not be saying goodbye only ‘catch you in a bit’ he just gets to start the next leg of your journey in advance but it is okay he will have it all figured out there ready for the time you join him. xxxx
I hope that you don’t get any more nasty shocks like the price of that coffin. Hang on in there. Our thoughts are with you and Ming.
The cost of a funeral is a joke, and the cost of a coffin is so bloody high for something that is only used once.
Love to you all.
You’re ready for anything and everything. That’s good. Your family is awesome.
Tears. Hugs and love to you and yours, Julie. It has been a tough journey and you have been amazingly strong. ❤
thinking of you …. every good day is a good day ….. ❤
Thinking of you a lot.
You are in my thoughts and heart. I wish you strength, love and hugs my friend.
I got so far behind. Glad you are having a little respite and have gotten some peace.
Keep strong and take everything day by day.