I bumped into some relatives today at our local, rural, shop and they said they had intended to go and see Anthony today, but it was too late in the day. It was raining relentlessly so I admitted that I, too, hadn’t gone into town to see Anthony but that Ming was doing it.
Doing it?
Why did I describe my visits to Anthony as a job that needed to be done? Why didn’t I say, “Ming is visiting Ants today”? instead of “Ming is doing it today.”
I am so embarrassed that I expressed myself this way because for all of these years I have felt and believed that the romantic love I share with Anthony would somehow sustain us. In fact, as Ming often points out, Anthony is now mostly lost in his world of Parkinson’s Disease Dementia. Yesterday, for example, Anthony was mostly asleep during my 2-hour visit and this is often the case.
Perhaps love is not simply a feeling but also a decision. For me, this realisation has made all the difference recently because in deciding to love someone, that ‘do it’ decision, is an absolute in the face of multiple contingencies.
Do it.
jmgoyder 
Julie, I agree. I think “doing it” is part of our love and commitment. And I wish more people would do it. For their spouse, their parent, grandparent, and so very many more.
If love is not, what feel I so. And if it is, what thing is it? (I forget author). I like to believe it is a decision made on feelings.
it is so true that we decide to commit for better or for worse. Many turn away but true commitment stays and see it through
You are so right.
Jules, your road is bringing you down a path I know very well. I am so proud of all you and Ming have done to bring awareness where there is none. We have chosen to take the road less traveled by some, but it means the world to us. Keep doing what your doing. I know it’s hard, but you can do it! Love and support sent to you! 😘
I absolutely agree about doing it. Any close relationship, whether with an invalid or not, will always have an element of ‘doing it’ in it. It’s called give and take (or perhaps love). However, you might easily feel more guilty about recognising that feeling of doing your duty when you are giving and the other party hasn’t got the capacity to return the effort.
I get this, sometimes we have to chose to love as it doesn’t always come naturally because as the old saying goes out of sight out of mind, we have to chose to put the time in for our love to continue and flourish.
Do it? What you are doing is caring for the man you love tirelessly. Even though he cannot reciprocate the way he used to, he shows you in so many ways how much he loves you. And Ming “doing it” is simply showing his love by the example of his mum.
Sometimes we’re really hard on ourselves. Words that didn’t seem right etc. I catch myself for example occasionally (often) referring to our children as ‘my’ children as though they were exclusively mine .. and then realize it’s probably because ‘I’m’ the one who’s writing about it and so automatically use the singular instead of the plural ! Visiting is an action ‘it’ and the person is a ‘who’.. One doesn’t automatically exclude the other .. Anyway as usual Julie, my thoughts… Diane
I can see where visiting becomes an obligation. It’s hard when our loved ones are checked out and aren’t the same people. My dad had dementia which came and went. The last hour he was alive, he took my mom’s hand and gave it a kiss. He told her he’d be alright. Totally clear headed. There’s so much we don’t know!
Honestly Jules, we all get to that place in our relationships where the doing it is what keeps us going. Love sustains our bond and the doing it keeps it alive so all the practical, even mundane things get done. I miss the beauty of your blog. So honest and open. Thank you! ❤
Love is a choice–good times and bad. We just don’t feel the pain of it as much in the good.