Me: I haven’t wanted to talk to you lately.
Anthony: I noticed.
Me: Ever since talking to the headstone people I just kind of wanted to run away from the situation.
Anthony: What situation?
Me: Your death.
Anthony: Oh, that – yes.
Me: I’ve gone past the nursing home a few times now, on my motorbike lessons, and it always gives me a bit of a jolt. I saw a photo of you and C. at the nursing home and it shocked me to know that was only months before you died. I keep wanting to see you; it’s horrible, like a yawn of yearning. I’m not trying to be poetic either – it feels like the middle of me is doing this yawwwwwwn thing all the time.
Anthony: Am I boring you?
Me: Very funny, not. Not that kind of yawn – the kind where you need more oxygen. Isn’t that what a yawn is?
Anthony: [Silence]
Me: And then a gaspy thing happens and I can breathe again and then, finally, I can cry.
Anthony: Why do you want to cry?
Me: I don’t want to cry really but sometimes when I nearly cry and the tears don’t come I feel like forcing it.
Anthony: I’m listening.
Me: Other times one of your favourite songs comes on the car radio and crying just happens. It happened earlier today.
Anthony: I’m sorry I left you in the lurch, Jules.
Me: Sometimes I wish I hadn’t loved you so much. I let you mean too much, Ants – you had become my whole world. Maybe that wasn’t healthy, maybe that’s why I feel so lost now without you.
Anthony: Jules, do you realise what rubbish you are talking? Look at all of the things you are accomplishing now – the motorbike licence, the kayak lessons, the film script idea, helping Ming with his psychology diploma, the volunteering. You are not lost without me.
Me: I feel physically sick, like I am going to vomit, a lot of the time.
Anthony: But you’re free now, Jules. You should make the most of it.
Me: How? Anyway, I never wanted to be free of you!
Anthony: Never?
Me: Not once and I’m pretty sure I’m being honest here.
Anthony: I ended up needing you too much didn’t I.
Me: Sort of. Yeah, okay, I didn’t like that feeling of being so needed I guess.
Anthony: You just need to get your strength back, Jules. Do some aerobic exercise. It does wonders for the body and soul.
Me: WHAAT?
Anthony: Swimming, cycling – keep it up, Jules. Don’t give up – oh and the meditation is also useful.
Me: [Silence]
Anthony: I’ve shocked you, haven’t I.
Me: Yes! Are you being tongue-in-cheek or genuine? Meditation? I can’t believe that word actually came out of your cynical mouth.
Anthony: OM
Me: OM?
Anthony: Feeling better yet?
Me: Actually, yes.
Anthony: All right, so, whenever you don’t feel like talking to me, just OM me and I’ll OM you back.
Me: OM?
Anthony: OMMMMMMMMMM
Me: [Laughing]
jmgoyder 
I can’t help it. I read, “just OM me and I’ll OM you back” and burst out laughing. Instead of DMs (direct messages) you can OM (otherworldly messages).
Made me laugh too!
Love this! Not only does Ants comfort and reassure you, he has suggestions. Oh, Julie, I think you are amazing. And if you do want to try meditation, Insight Timer is a wonderful app – it is free and you can find my grief/healing music there. Much love and hugs to you!
ps. That’s great about Ming going for a psychology degree, too.
Priceless! i never know what is going to come out in your conversations but this hits the top of the list!.
I am glad this ended with you laughing
If anyone can make you feel better, it’s Anthony. I am pretty certain he would want that for you. 🙂