These imagined conversations are my way of ploughing through the grief of losing my wonderful husband to pneumonia last year. I am not going mad and I am not delusional; I just miss talking to Anthony, so I decided to imagine the conversations we might have….
Me: It was our 25th wedding anniversary last month.
Anthony: I know, Jules, I know.
Me: I went to a grief workshop that night and told the others that it was our 25th wedding anniversary and J (remember J?) congratulated me/us.
Anthony: J? The fair-haired woman?
Me: Oh, sorry, Ants, I forgot that she only met you after you were dead. J is/was so kind and I am amazed that your funeral parlour hosts such wonderful workshops for people like me, who are struggling with their grief.
Anthony: Nothing like this was in my mind, Jules, when we got married. My only hesitation was due to the age gap; I didn’t know I was going to get sick and old at the same time.
Me: I didn’t know either, Ants. I was prepared for you getting old before me but I wasn’t prepared for all of your illnesses.
Anthony: Sorry, Jules.
Me: Not your fault, Ants. Somebody said to me the other day that it must be a relief that you died and I felt as if I had been punched. It was a well-meaning comment but it made me think about how much the fact that you had Dementia precluded people from visiting because they were scared.
Anthony: You think too much, Jules. Don’t worry about any of that because I’m fine now.
Me: I’m not.
Anthony: I miss you too, Jules.
Me: I want you back, Ants. I miss you so much that my brain is all foggy and unfocussed and I have never, ever felt so alone. I just want to talk to you!
Anthony: You are talking to me.
Me: So is that okay, if I keep talking to you?
Anthony: Of course!
Me: Yeah, but this is just me pretending to talk to you, Ants. I have to eventually get used to the reality that you are dead. I’m just as crazy about you now as I was when I was 18, but you’re gone!
Anthony: I’m not gone or we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
Me: So where are you?
Anthony: I don’t honestly know….