jmgoyder

wings and things

Aug 27

Sinking into self-pity

by jmgoyder

Sometimes I think that self-pity is necessary, maybe even vital, before taking the next adventurous step into a new page, whatever that page is.

When I told Anthony that Ming had damaged his back, AB’s eyes filled with tears, and that’s pretty much how I have been feeling too for the last week since finding out that our beautiful, heroic son has a titanium fracture (post scoliosis surgery 19 months ago.)

Ming, being the youngest of our father-mother-kid trio, is slightly more upbeat – emphasis on ‘slightly’. The worst thing for him is that he will have to quit his job, milking cows for our fantastic neighbours, a job that he loved.

So, I am going to indulge in some self-pity until tomorrow.

blogging Family Friendship Grief Happiness joy LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers Wings

74 Comments »
Aug 22

Blog-cleaning

by jmgoyder

During yet another short blog break, I’m in cleanup/tidying mode so have tried to catch up with comments, and have visited other people’s blogs unhurriedly and with pleasure.

But I’m a little bothered by a couple of things:

1. I vividly remember re-blogging somebody’s post when I first started. At the time, I didn’t understand what re-blogging was and, as soon as I realized, I deleted it. It was about mothers and daughters. I apologize to that blogger for my ignorance.

2. During May this year, I took a blog break by unsubscribing from the nearly 200 blogs I’d subscribed to. Why the hell did I do that? Now I am still re-finding people. If I haven’t yet re-found you, please let me know!

One beautiful realization is that it isn’t necessarily necessary to engage with every single blog post (especially if the blogger is prolific!) There is no obligatory rule about this and silence is okay – such a relief!

I think, when I resume ‘proper’ blogging, on 1st September, I might do it on a weekly basis, rather than daily. Just until my heart catches up with my voice. So much is happening, and so much is not happening – argh!

Thanks.

blogging Friendship Grief

55 Comments »
Aug 16

Update on Ming’s scoliosis

by jmgoyder

For those who don’t know, our son, Ming, had surgery 18 months ago to correct a severe (75% curve) scoliosis. This morning we had what was supposed to be the last post-op. appointment with his surgeon. The X-ray showed a fracture to the titanium rod, just below his shoulder blades. Ming wasn’t as shocked as I was because a couple of months ago he lifted some really heavy junk in one of our sheds (he’s not supposed to lift anything over 20 kilos), and rushed into the house in pain, terrified he had damaged something. We rang the surgeon who was reassuring on the phone, but Ming still needed a week off from farm work and he was in a lot of pain and panic with his spine clicking and clacking strangely.

At the time, partly because the surgeon didn’t feel it necessary to fast-track today’s appointment, I just kept reassuring Ming that he would be fine and I remember saying things like, “You can’t break titanium, Ming; I’m sure you’ve just pulled a muscle” etc. Well, I was wrong, obviously, and the surgeon now wants to see him again in 4 months, with a slight possibility of further surgery to fix the fracture. The fact that Ming is no longer in pain is a good sign, but the fracture has pulled the curve (which had been reduced to 28%) back to 35%, and Ming is upset with himself for being stupid, and upset with me for being so overly, and naively, reassuring.

But the good thing is that Ming is okay with things and is staying with one of his best friends tonight, where he will have fun and hopefully forget today’s news for a little while. And tomorrow he and I will undoubtedly discuss the situation and look at the bloody bright side and carry on. Tonight I will let myself shed a few anxious tears in order not to do so in front of Ming.

The picture is before surgery. He is much straighter now, and taller!

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blogging Family Grief Teenagers

56 Comments »
Aug 13

Whoops!

by jmgoyder

Since my May blog break, I have found it quite challenging to get back on board and am still in the process of resubscribing, replying to comments from ages ago etc. Sorry! I have learned so much about so many things from other bloggers so bear with me as I regain your acquaintances. One of the things I love about blogdom is that it is a very forgiving community. As an expert in the faux pas, I appreciate the forgivingness!

blogging Family Friendship joy

13 Comments »
Aug 8

Two very wet alpacas

by jmgoyder

Apparently our phone wiring has had the bomb and that is why the home phone crackles and the internet is having so many siestas. I am tempted to let the home phone die and get one of those usb thingys for the internet. I have already replaced my ancient mobile phone with a new one.

It is still very wet so I am practically living in my wellys.

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The alpacas are ambivalent when it comes to the rain. They seem to take everything in their stride, although Uluru looks slightly happier than Okami.

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The camellias are responding ecstatically to the rain. Now, even though I can’t think of anything worse than gardening, I do love the dozens of camellias Anthony has planted over the years. The one with the ballerina petals is the only one I bought myself. I took the first bloom into Ants the other day.

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I’ll take another one in this afternoon. On my way in, I’m hoping to collect a picture I’m having framed for Anthony’s wall. It’s a photo of Ants at around the time I first met him, 35 years ago. Funnily enough, it is not my idea to put this picture on the wall; it’s Anthony’s. I said why not one of our wedding photos, or that one of you on the motorbike with Ming?. But he said no, that he just wanted himself! His self-confidence is certainly still intact; he even got me to blow the photo up to a bigger size!

Animal Birds blogging Family Friendship Happiness joy LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

43 Comments »
Aug 7

Argh!

by jmgoyder

The internet is not working consistently at home so am using borrowed minutes to just say that.

blogging

9 Comments »
Aug 6

So much rain!

by jmgoyder

It has been raining solidly for over 48 hours, and so wet here on the farm that Ming got the old ute (truck) bogged just outside his shed this afternoon, after milking!

Today I went into town and picked up Ants to take him to my mother’s place for afternoon tea (chocolate pudding that I had made the day before). Several weeks ago, I stopped using the wheelchair taxi for outings like this because I experienced a strange new surge in energy and willingness to take him out. My mother showed us more photos of Scotland, including one of her with the bride and groom.

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Then she showed us some of Mr Tootlepedal (my blogging friend) and his wife. I felt a vicarious sense of pleasure to meet them through my mother. They have a B&B and my mother stayed with them just before my niece’s wedding. She told me that the Tootlepedals, and their house and garden, were just as charming as I had imagined.

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This is the link to the Tootlepedal blog-post that mentioned my ma.

The Wizard of Oz

Anthony said my chocolate pudding was dry (you see, this where Ming gets his tact haha!) But his little highness polished off the rest tonight whilst watching a very serious episode of Home and Away.

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And I am now cooking some soup!

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blogging Family Friendship Happiness joy LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers Wings

27 Comments »
Aug 5

Blog focus change

by jmgoyder

I’ve decided to post my tidbits in daily diary fashion – just for awhile – as an experimental experiment This is because, for the last few months, I have lost focus, have entertained too much bewilderment, have been too sad etc. As a result, I kept forgetting each day’s beautiful details. From now on, I will remind myself via the conduit of this blog.

For example: Last week, Ming transitioned from an L-plater to a P-plater which means he can now drive by himself. The joy of his independence has been resonating in all sorts of different ways. Ming drove into town today and the first thing on his list was to visit Anthony in the nursing lodge.

When he got home, he said “Wow Mum it was so much better visiting Dad without you and your stress!”

I understand.

blogging Family Friendship Grief Happiness joy

27 Comments »
Aug 1

Illness sucks

by jmgoyder

It is now nearly a week since I succumbed to this horrid gastric attack and, knowing I am hopefully on the road to recovery, this misadventure has given me pause. Having embraced friendships with people who are chronically (sometimes terminally) ill, my relatively short experience of awful pain, nausea etc. makes me wonder with wonder at how they remain positive, on top, giving. There are too many of you to name but I’m sure you know who you are.

When I am ill, I am a total wimp, I cringe in fear, I whimper – I am pathetic.

I may not be able to blog for a little while but, rather than send me well wishes, please use the comments button to draw attention to you own blog. I hope that’s okay.

pea 551

Birds blogging Family Friendship Happiness

32 Comments »
Jul 27

Happy

by jmgoyder

I think feeling happy is a bit different to being happy. Maybe this is because when you simply are happy (because your bank account, love-life, health, job, family and friends etc. are all okay) you don’t notice the happiness; you don’t appreciate it. But when you feel happy, you are noticing the fragile edges, blossoms, and sunsets of whatever happiness is and you are learning how to create it day by day by day.

Today, my happiness was hugging my baby peacock, having lunch at an Indian restaurant with my friend/niece, Jane, buying baking utensils for my new cooking phase, watching TV with Anthony in the nursing lodge whilst giving him the last of the sticky date pudding with lots of thickened cream, knowing my ma will be home soon from Scotland, riding my bike, watching ‘Undercover Boss’ with Ming, and looking forward to tomorrow’s unfolding.

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Animal Birds blogging Family Happiness joy Marriage Parkinson's disease Wings

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