jmgoyder

I am not as bleak as I sound but I was terribly blah and a bit sickly over last few days, off and on. Previous post is first draft of first bit of proposed book perhaps better to start off more happily? Just want to be honest. Am going away next weekend so all is well.

Died this morning! So now I am forced into IPad mode and not very good at that yet, so am gonna take an Internet break until fixed.

It is our mother’s 80th birthday tomorrow and my sense of anticipation is strangely acute especially now that the book I was hand-making for her – its pages filled with photos and quotes and memories – has, on being heat-bound for the second time, begun to fall apart – argh!

The printer/binder people have been very honest with me in twice saying, “This book is the thickest book we’ve ever bound and we had to place all of the pages between two very heavy objects for it to seal.” These lovely people have seen our love for Meg firsthand and have actually recognized some of the kids in the photos.

One of the reasons the book has become so unwieldy is because, every time I made a mistake, I just glued things together so the faulty page was underneath the good page. Then I tried to cover the smudges with stickers and I got really carried away here with channeling the kids – 11 grandchildren, one great-grandchild, and the anticipation of the next one!

So the book is my first/last attempt at being artistic, but I have never had so much fun! Plus I like the fact that underneath/behind each page of this book is a slightly different layer to the story of who our mother/grandma IS!

In adding the final touches tonight, the whole book begins to fall apart and Ming’s feedback indicates that it is all a bit ‘twee’ so, in defiance, I open up all of the sticker packages and paste hearts and gifts and love on every single page of what we have called ….

The Map of Meg

Her extra gift (shhhh!) is a roll of sticky tape!

Yesterday was a bit weird because when I arrived at the nursing home, Ants had put himself back to bed and, for the rest of the day was kind of sleepy/disoriented. Then, last night, they phoned me to say he had fallen. This morning, again, another phone-call to say he’d had another fall and they wanted to keep him in bed.

So today is the second day of Anthony being bed-ridden and a bit of a shock for me. I am sure this is just a little glitch and that he will get out of bed again and walk/smile/anything, but, on the other hand, maybe not. To witness his staring-at-the-ceiling eyes, his incoherence, his inability to squeeze my hand back, was a little scary and upsetting for me but probably a good dress rehearsal for when he dies. I accidentally collapsed into tears today with various staff which was really embarrassing because I never see my own stupid tears coming; they just do this sudden thing.

I have become an artist! Yes, I have sacrificed my loathing of glue, textas and cardboard to create this book for Meg.

Each page of our mother’s 80th birthday book is covered in smudges, ink lines, childish coloring in of edges (me) grandchildren’s quotes, stark photos, and the gooey glue of love.

I got the book bound last week then thought of other stuff to include – argh!

One of the most beautiful and poignant off-shoots of this ‘project’ is to read and re-read our mother’s journal of our childhood. The humor and hilarity is contagious and the love of a mother and grandmother and great-grandmother is oceanic, a purring, imperfect, enormous wave!

Okay, back to the glue~

Asthma nearly gone now (and panic!) Sorry I haven’t replied to comments of goodwill but I appreciate it. Not sure now why I got so scared but probably something to do with the fact that I am responsible for everything now.

I can’t wait to see Anthony tomorrow; I will spend the whole day there. His nephew, my mother and Ming and my brother and co. have visited him but I haven’t seen him for 4 days, and he sounded so miserable on the phone tonight when I finally got a nurse to answer it for him.

Tomorrow!

ps. can’t be bothered with tags etc.

I have been fluey for a couple of weeks; then on weekend it turned into what I now call ‘spring asthma’. I think this is the fourth year it has happened, after decades of being free of asthma.

As a child I had it chronically and remember vividly all of the emergency dashes to hospital, the adrenaline injections, the oxygen tents, my mother squeezing my toe.

I am very good at dealing with other people’s illnesses but when it comes to me I wimp out and get terrified, beyond reason (although asthma is terrifying). Ming hates it if I get sick, so much so that he withdraws and I understand this since so much of his life has already been shadowed by Anthony’s many illnesses.

Even though I am on the mend now with the help of antibiotics and steroids and can breathe better, I am still scared and seem to have landed in a place of dense gloom. But, at the same time, my admiration for people who are chronically ill smacks me in the face when I realize that I will get better easily, and they might not.

To cope with being sick, or afflicted in terms of sight and other senses, in an ongoing way, is something that awes me. I would not be as strong as the people I know (via daily interactions and blog contacts).

So, as soon as I am not sick anymore, I will get back on my bike, and write about Anthony and stop dillydallying around with impossible goals….

…. and catch up with blogs!

Problems