This afternoon I arrived at the nursing home to find Anthony in one of his unwakeable slumbers. I had brought two very ripe bananas but I couldn’t wake him enough to eat them. I whispered in his ear that I would be back soon. He nodded in his sleep.
“Ming the Merciless”
During Ming’s last year at high school, all of the kids were allowed to imprint on their grammar school jackets an emblem or phrase that represented who they were. Ming chose “Ming the Merciless”.
And that he is! This week, he mercilessly told me some home truths about how my sadness about Anthony affects him. This has been followed by many lengthy philosophical conversations about a whole lot of topics including life, death, love, loss, grief, acceptance. Occasionally he and I have cried together about our different heartbreaks, comforted each other by just listening, and made plans to get out of our individual ruts.
Ming is not merciless at all. He is the kindest person I have ever known and the way he cares so much about me, and Ants too, is extraordinary in its depth. I think back to all of those nights when Ming slept in the bed next to Anthony’s in order to give me a break from what we called ‘the night shifts’ and I am so grateful for his help, patience, love and comfort.
Now, at 22, this child/man of ours is, understandably, a bit tired of both Anthony and me, but he cares so much that he doesn’t ever want to leave the farm. He gets a lot of peer pressure to ‘get out there’ but he wants to stay put for the time being, work as a waiter, earn some money, and be here for both Ants and me.
And, no matter how many times I tell him that we don’t want him trapped into feeling he has to be here for us, he just reiterates that he loves this home, that he doesn’t want to go anywhere at the moment, that he is content.
Ming is so much like Anthony in this way; Ants knew how to go with the flow, work hard and he had no delusions; he was content with, and proud of, life as a dedicated dairy farmer despite the changes that wreaked havoc with the industry many year ago. I have always admired Anthony’s lackadaisical attitude to life and work and his acceptance of every single ‘whatever’. Ming has this capacity too but he is merciless against himself!
I am so proud of this amazing son of ours – Ming the Merciless!
Ten more minutes
Tonight, I went to see Ants later than usual because I had a party to go to later that evening. I arrived at 6pm to find him in bed, propped up comfortably and watching television. I pulled my chair close to the padded rail on the left-hand side of his bed, muted the television, kissed him and grabbed his hand.
He was very blank to begin with and, because he hardly blinks, his eyes were wide and a bit confused. Our conversation wasn’t particularly animated because his voice was a whisper
Me: You look like a stunned mullet!
Anthony: You are ….
Me: Are you tired?
Anthony: Yes.
Me: Well I am going to a party soon but you can stay put. Is that okay?
Anthony: Yes.
Me: It’s L’s party; she’s graduated and now has her PhD. You remember L?
Anthony: I think so.
Me: May I change the station to the food channel?
He didn’t respond so I did so anyway and we watched a chef put together a delicious meal.
Me: This is making me hungry, Ants.
Anthony: Is there any chocolate?
Me: Yes!
One of our closest friends, M, provided a massive amount for Christmas and he has only gotten through half of it. So, one by one, I popped a few treats into his mouth because his hands weren’t working. (Around a year ago Anthony seemed to partially forget how to feed himself so, if I were there at mealtimes, I would feed him. We would joke about this and I would exclaim, “Feed yourself for goodness sake!” and he would say, “It’s more sexy when you do it.” I would laugh and laugh and he would smile.
Anthony has now become one of those residents who often (mostly?) has to be fed. But that’s okay because at least he still has an appetite and can still swallow adequately enough that his food doesn’t have to be mushed.
My plan was to leave the nursing home at 7pm, drop in to see my friend, N, on the way to L’s. I told Anthony this a few times as I was saying goodbye to him, then N rang to say she was running a bit late.
Me: Ants, I can stay another 10 minutes.
Anthony: I am enjoying myself.
Me: Can you enjoy yourself when I’m not here?
Anthony: Yes.
My heart relaxed and I put my hand into his again and squeezed it and he took my hand up to his mouth and kissed it.
Ten minutes later, as I got up to go, he looked at me, his eyes wide, but no longer blank. I looked back, kissed him goodbye, and told him I would see him tomorrow.
Anthony: Ten more minutes?
Me: Yeah we’ve already had those. I love you so much, Ants!
Anthony: I love you too, Jules.
I have been so terribly sad lately that blogging seemed too hard, and responding to others’s blogs even harder, but I think I might have my writing voice back now. I hope so because I really want to write about this experience with Anthony, and Ming too; I really want to re-experience and express how beautiful ten minutes can be.
Candy
Yesterday I wrote a post which I later edited because my grief sometimes interrupts my sense/ sentence structure. And I get worried that I might unwittingly upset someone good in Anthony’s family.
Candy is one of Anthony’s many nieces; she is also his god-daughter and Ming’s god-mother. But she and her husband live a long way away, up north on a station that suffers frequent droughts.
Her brother (the nephew who visits Ants every weekend), often brings Candy’s letters to read to him. I keep these in Anthony’s top drawer and often re-read them to him, which always makes his day!
Maybe this is an idea that could work? Maybe friends and relatives could email me these letters and I could read to Anthony?
Every time I read a Candy paragraph, he smiles. Thank you, Candy.
jmgoyder 