jmgoyder

wings and things

Apr 14

Millionaire’s coffee

by jmgoyder

A few years ago, before Anthony became so incapacitated with Parkinson’s disease, we used to go to a restaurant on the beachfront after every doctor’s appointment.

We went to this restaurant after his diabetes diagnosis and we ate apple pie with cream and icecream defiantly.

We went to this restaurant after his liver disease diagnosis and drank a bottle of wine defiantly.

We went to this restaurant after his prostate cancer diagnosis and ordered the banquet deal defiantly.

We went to this restaurant after his Parkinson’s disease diagnosis and decided to try the millionaire’s coffee.

Today I decided to take Ants to this restaurant (which now has new owners). It’s only a few blocks from the nursing lodge, so very convenient, but I was still really nervous because of the unpredictability of PD.

I became even more nervous when Ants had difficulty walking, with his walker thingy, to the car and getting in. But, once his uncooperative feet were in, and his seatbelt was on, I started to feel more optimistic.

And it was a success! Ants was able to use the walker to get into the restaurant and we had an ocean view, a half bottle of wine, some fantastic prawns and scallops, and some bits of conversation. His PDD kept making the conversation weird but every time he said something crazy, I just laughed and squeezed his hand and he squeezed back.

After we’d finished eating, I decided to order his favourite coffee, but the new owners of the restaurant had never heard of a millionaire’s coffee so I had to tell them how! The only trouble is that I couldn’t remember which three liqueurs went into it so I just asked them to use their imaginations.

They did a good job! Well I think they did – my head is still spinning – haha.

Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

64 Comments »
Apr 11

Fixing fences

by jmgoyder

This afternoon I finally got hold of Anthony on the phone. I had tried numerous times during the day because I was worried about yesterday as a nurse had rung me in the evening to report a fall just after he got back from here.

You see, yesterday I got Ants taxied home again but earlier than usual. I wanted to see if a whole day home would work because usually it’s just for a few hours and he gets upset to have to leave so soon.

So he arrived at 11am which coincided with one of his medication times. I gave him the pill, and Ming, Ants and I sat out on the front veranda making the kind of smalltalk you make when one person can’t participate.

At around noon the drug kicked in and Ants was able to walk, with our help, into the house. We then watched a comedy on TV, and they ate pancakes with maple syrup and cream for lunch (Ming’s idea – yuck!)

By 1.30pm Ants had again become wobbly so I slowly shuffled him to the bed and he slept until 3pm. I helped him up and outside again and then Ming and I got him into the wheelchair ready for the taxi.

This might not sound like a wonderful day but it was!

But this afternoon’s conversation was a bit of a blow. When I finally resorted to ringing the nurses to help Anthony answer the phone, this is what we said to each other:

Me: Ants, I’ve been ringing you all day. Why can’t you remember how to answer the phone? I’ve been so worried about your fall.

Anthony: Well, there’s a reason for that – we don’t get along anymore.

Me: What! What are you talking about?

Anthony: The fence.

Me: Which fence?

Anthony: On farms, you know – broken fences.

Me: No, all of the fences are fixed now, Ants.

Anthony: But us – the fence I mean – it’s broken.

Me: I don’t understand what you mean!

Anthony: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, I was just joking. Jules, don’t cry please.

….

Okay, I got over this ghastly phonecall and we both ended up saying áll the I-love-you stuff.

I don’t think this fence can be fixed, but I guess it can be mended whenever we fall on it.

Family Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers

55 Comments »
Apr 8

Mixed emotions

by jmgoyder

pea 557

When I was 12 and struggling with my all-over-the-place thoughts and feelings, and worried that I was abnormal, my mother wisely reassured me that I was simply suffering from mixed emotions and that this was normal for 12-year-olds.

At the time, I found it immensely comforting that there was a name for my ‘problem’ – mixed emotions.

Now, all these years later, it is happening again – that simultaneous sad/happy thing but of course it doesn’t sound very convincing when you decline an invitation to lunch, for instance, by saying, “I can’t today because I am sick with mixed emotions.” A migraine is a much better excuse.

Yesterday afternoon, Anthony was taxied home and the handful of friends I’d invited (he doesn’t cope well with more than a handful) all arrived with food and drinks, and I was filled with happiness. It was a delightful afternoon and resembled the hundreds of delightful afternoons when Ants was well. I used to be amazed at how Ants would never sit down, would constantly replenish half empty glasses, would shout with laughter at his own anecdotes, turn the music up and dance, bear hug me, wink at me, grin at me. The good old days.

Of course now that Ants can’t stand up easily, or wink, or grin, or shout with laughter, or dance, or hug, or even follow an anecdote, let alone tell one, it’s different. Don’t get me wrong – it was still wonderful, but when the taxi arrived to take him back, the sad kind of stole my smile, and our little crowd went from noisy to quiet.

After Ants had gone, the frivolity resumed, but at a lower key for me and, later in the evening, when everyone had gone, I felt such a surge of grief and nostalgia that I had to remind myself to breathe.

Mixed emotions.

(But at least I didn’t injure the taxi driver this time, even though he mistook me for Anthony’s daughter!)

Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

65 Comments »
Apr 7

Death

by jmgoyder

I keep trying to embrace the idea of death, but I can’t imagine Anthony gone.

So I’m beginning to understand this kind of grief via the blogs of friends who grieve for loved ones.

It might be my turn next but I’m not sure…. Death-defying?

My best friend – Anthony.

blogging Family Friendship Grief LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

52 Comments »
Apr 6

Sad sunset

by jmgoyder

pea 574

I have been trying so hard lately to be positive, but tonight, a nurse rang me asking me to try and convince Ants to take his pills. Eventually my voice on his phone worked and the nurse was able to give him his pills.

Ants was distressed and confused and aggro: this scared me.

What a wonderful nurse to ring me like that. I am so relieved to know that Ants is okay in this nursing lodge, but I am constantly anxious for him now that the dementia is happening.

Ants is coming home for the afternoon tomorrow so I’ve invited a few friends. Oh I so hope it all works out!

[Note to blogfriends: I can’t keep up with reading blogs at the moment, but will catch up soon.]

blogging Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

50 Comments »
Apr 4

An argument with my mother’s bicycle

by jmgoyder

My mother has now been in hospital for 12 days since falling off her bicycle and fracturing her pelvis in two places and her wrist in three places. She will be in hospital for at least another week – maybe more.

I want to go back to the moment my mother got onto her bicycle and I want to yell NO! After all, she’s 78, and had only just recovered from a hip fracture from a fall just before Christmas.

But I can’t go back and stop her from getting onto that bicycle. Instead she and I are going forward, step by step, to recovery. It has been 12 days of pain for my mother, stress for me, and hatred for that bicycle.

Good news: My mother no longer minds being blogged about and says thank you to those who wished her well. I echo this.

Bad news: Tomorrow I am going to stop arguing with my mother’s bicycle and simply smash it up!

Family Friendship Grief

78 Comments »
Mar 28

20th wedding anniversary!

by jmgoyder

Yesterday was our 20th wedding anniversary and Anthony forgot.

So did I.

[Actually, we always forget for some reason but I thought ‘So did I’ was a rather good punchline – ha!]

My mother usually reminds us but she’s in hospital and will be for some time. It was only when I was collecting stuff from her house to take into the hospital that I saw her note – ‘March 27-Ants & Julie anniversary’.

Ants is coming home for the day tomorrow – Good Friday – and I’m not sure whether to tell him about our anniversary or not because it might make him a bit sad and nostalgic.

20 years! Aren’t I supposed to get some sort of present?

[Note to other bloggers – I am having difficulty keeping up with your posts and comments – will catch up asap.]

blogging Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

75 Comments »
Mar 15

Hardening the heart

by jmgoyder

I’m not sure if this is right or wrong, sensible or nonsensical, normal or not, but sometimes I have to harden my heart in a very deliberate way in order to ‘seize the day’.

We probably all do this to some extent – I’m not sure. All I know is that if Anthony is forlorn, or Ming is angry, or I am wondering/wandering, I seem to be able to harden my heart against itself.

And then I can breathe again.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

61 Comments »
Mar 12

What did I say that for?

by jmgoyder

pea 429

This morning I wrote a post about coincidences in which I said, I was 19 when my father died. Ming is 19 now and his father is dying.”

I don’t know why I said something so morbid when I wasn’t feeling morbid. I was feeling a curious mixture of fatalism and resignatiom, I guess, but not morbid.

Now, however, I do feel morbid because of my own stupid sentences and I wish I had said, I was 19 when my father died. Ming is 19 now and his father is alive.

Some people philosophize that you begin to die as soon as you are conceived which is, of course, true, but not a particularly pleasant way of thinking about life.

When Anthony was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer and given 1-3 years to live (several years ago!) we were utterly devastated. I remember tearfully telling a friend and he said, Well, we are all dying aren’t we and another friend said, well, he’s had a good life. Neither of these comments were helpful, but they were true.

Anthony has outlived his prostate cancer prognosis only to fall into the arms of Parkinson’s disease. But I no longer think of this as cruel and tragic and neither does Anthony. In fact I have never seen the tiniest sign of self-pity from him in all these many years of illness.

Yes, Anthony is dying, but he is also living. And that’s a coincidence.

Oh yes and all the geese are alive and well, especially Godfrey!

blogging Family Friendship LOVE STORY

45 Comments »
Mar 12

Coincidences

by jmgoyder

In 1959, Anthony turned 23, had his first relationship with a woman, his father died, and, across the other side of Australia, I was born.

I had my first relationship with a man (Anthony) when I was 23.

My father died at the age of 58. Ming was born when Anthony was 58.

Ming and I both have a parent who is 77 (Anthony and my mother).

I was 19 when my father died. Ming is 19 now and his father is dying.

Coincidences can be interesting, but they can also be cruel.

Family Friendship

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