Health | jmgoyder

Resilience

by jmgoyder

I used to miss the Anthony of the past terribly – the robust, energetic, boisterous, fun-loving Anthony with the loud laugh – and I still do of course. But lately, I’ve begun to realize that I also miss (and much more-so) the Anthony of now, the Anthony who still IS. In our mutual acceptance of the way things are now – his Parkinson’s disease, the nursing home, our forced “illness separation”, and even the increasing confusion and hallucinations that accompany his dementia, I now find myself anticipating my daily visits to the nursing home with what would, months ago, have seemed an impossible excitement.

The strange thing is that the feeling of obligation to visit Anthony for his sake, has been subsumed under a desire to visit him for my sake. The contentment of these long afternoons together, punctuated here and there by volunteer work, is something I never expected to happen. Okay, so boredom, apathy and fatigue are definitely risk factors here but I’m learning how to counteract the former two by coming up with new ideas whenever something begins to become tedious (like watching episodes of Neighbours!) The latter – fatigue – has been solved by this sudden flu which means I’ve been lolling on my bed for three days reading novels and resting, not allowed to go to the nursing home in case I’m contagious. So Ming and my mother have been visiting Anthony – wonderful creatures they are!

But I miss him so much! I have become so accustomed to these afternoons, this routine – the joy of his smile at the sight of freshly picked camellias (and me), playing the card game “Memory” with him and other residents, eating olives and blue cheese with him, or giving him a piece of my latest cake, helping him with his lunch and sometimes dinner too, watching television or a dvd, combing his hair with the metal comb he always loved that I only just found (and he is thrilled!) And so on. Tiny morsels of pleasure, once overlooked, now savored, now treasured. I have never looked at a camellia the way I do now – never! I have never noticed so acutely the beauty of a white peacock feather nestled in the arms of an avocado tree’s blossoms, a tree that is still providing us with plenty of fruit!

I don’t want to sound soppy and sentimental and goopy, but I do think Anthony and I have been extraordinarily fortunate to have found such a mighty love and I sometimes wonder whether this is why we are both now coping so well with what IS. Actually no, it’s not coping, accepting, persevering, or any other stolid adjective. Instead, a wonderfully weird happiness.

Resilience: Anthony has always had this and now it is as if he has gifted it to me.

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When three is a crowd

by jmgoyder

Okay, that whole three is a crowd thing is not always the case, but, when it comes to Ming, Ants and me together now,
it
just
doesn’t
work!

There are lots of reasons for this, of course, where generational differences are made stark and raw and plain:

Ming: Mum, stop answering for Dad; let him talk!
Me: Why do you have to be so angry with me all the time!
Anthony: Stop it, you two.
Ming: He’s dribbling.
Me: (whispering) Shut up, Ming and stop embarrassing him!
Ming:(shouting) Dad, stick your tongue back in your mouth!
Anthony: (sarcastically sticking his tongue out then into his mouth) That better?

Now, the misery of this kind of three-pronged visit has been alleviated by the fact that Ming now has his own wheels again and can visit Anthony without me (as he did today and will do tomorrow because I have a cold). It is a relief to know that my absence for a couple of days is probably forgotten in the wake of Ming’s enormity of presence in Anthony’s life, mostly hallucinated or remembered but now, once again, real.

There are so many reasons why a now-20-year-old son, adored always by his mother and father, might get a little tired of the adoration at some stage and then, when the father began to get disease after disease, miss the adoration, and maybe feel a bit lost in the mayhem of his parents’ anxiety, his mother’s exhaustion, his father’s demise from workaholic dairy farmer (when Ming was born) to Parkinson’s disease patient in nursing home.

Ming starts his full-time job at the restaurant and said he will visit Ants after he knocks off tomorrow, so I can have a second day in bed, reading my book and getting over my cold.

I guess Ming and Ants have a relationship that works better if I am absent. Amen.

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Sep 15

Mischief
by jmgoyder

Anthony: I’m in constant pain.

Me: What? Since when? Where is the pain? Oh my God, I’m so sorry, Ants – you never told me this before!

Anthony: Oh, these things (stretching his arms out), and these other instruments (stretching his legs out in a rather swaggery way).

Me: What kind of pain is it?

Anthony: Agony.

Me: Well why the hell didn’t you tell me this before? I’ll ring the doctor! For God’s sake, Ants, I’ve been telling everyone for ages now that the best thing about your situation is that you are not in physical pain, and now you tell me this!

Anthony: Um… (beginning to do his half-smile)….

Me: So you are kidding? Joking?

Anthony: Just stirring you up, Jules

Me: You want pain? I’ll give you pain! (We have an arm wrestle on the side of his armchair and I win.)

He is so tired that his eyes weep; my laughter is raucous and I apologize but he says he loves my cackle; I leave to come home and he says, unsadly, see you tomorrow.

If Anthony were in physical pain, we would not be able to cope the way we are coping now.

And if Anthony didn’t have his mischievous sense of humor, everything would be horrible. Okay, so everything isn’t wonderful but it is definitely not horrible with Ants in the picture.

(I have learned how to make chili hot chocolate, which Anthony loves, so I might put an extra chili into the mix tomorrow – ha!)

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Sep 11

Our white-haired boy’s new role
by jmgoyder

As many of you know, Ming had his second spinal surgery just before Christmas last year at which time he was advised by the surgeon not to resume his job as a dairy hand for our neighbours, or to do any manual job, ever. That was a hard pill to swallow but he swallowed it and, since recovering from the surgery, he has spent the last few months throwing himself into acting auditions (most of which have required him to travel the 200 kms to Perth by train or bus, and vice versa).

He scored many bit-parts: a music video, a ‘student’ in a university advertisement, a couple of paid roles; he has also created a portfolio and is now listed on a website for aspiring actors. In fact, Ming has done so much acting-related stuff in the last few months that I have had trouble keeping up. With no vehicle, and no driving licence, he learned how to use public transport, stay in youth hostels, but he also relied on friends and family for accommodation and transport. It has all been enormous fun and a huge learning curve in so many ways and Ming has become a better net-worker than I have ever been and Anthony’s gregariousness shines out of him.

None of this, however, has proved to be lucrative yet, so Ming started to apply for jobs at restaurants and yesterday he was told that the restaurant, where he has only done a few casual shifts, want him full-time now. I am so elated for him and proud! But he and I are also grateful for the fact that a relative of a friend of one of the owners of this restaurant put in a good word for him. (I haven’t included names here, in order protect the innocent, just in case Ming drops a tray or something haha!)

Today, Ming was working there, so a friend and I went for lunch and it was so weird to watch him in action. The place was very busy and apparently, once he goes full-time, he will be jack-of-all-trades. It was great to watch the way he interacted with customers – he is a natural!

Tonight, he’s gone up to Perth (for the last time for awhile, due to getting full-time work) to play the part of a character in his friend’s university film assignment. He auditioned and got the part last week and here is the irony: he was picked as the character of a son who struggles with his father’s dementia, despite nobody in the film crew knowing his background. I am still a bit gobsmacked.

Anyway, of course I am rejoicing at all of this good news for the white-haired boy (despite no longer being a natural blonde); he will no longer go slightly insane in the nursing home and resort to playing on Anthony’s walker!

So happy and proud of Ming!

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Sep 9

Simulating home
by jmgoyder

As you can see we are still experiencing a wintry spring after its false start last week. The weather alerts for Western Australia are a bit alarming with winds of up to 100 kph so I came home a bit early from the nursing home yesterday.

I have begun to arrive at the nursing home by 11am most days now because, with the volunteering, I need plenty of time to wear both ‘hats’. It is working out so well but more about that in another post.

Over the two and a half years since Anthony entered the nursing home, his room has become as close as I can get it to our real home: freshly picked flowers (although I never did this when Anthony lived at home – he did!); daily food treats on plates and a cutting board I keep there; familiar shows on television via the DVD; a well-stocked bar and our own glassware and so on.

And (my latest idea!) Ming’s 2.5 kg weights. I didn’t expect Anthony to be quite so enthusiastic about this but I was wrong – he did around 20 for each arm with me cheering him on and cracking up laughing at the same time!

Despite my intention to take Jack, our Irish terrier, in to see Ants, I couldn’t find either his leash or collar that day so I will probably take Blaze instead for the time being.

Even I am beginning to feel more at home at the nursing home than I am at home, which is really weird! Well, at the moment, it is a lot warmer there.

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Sep 8

Blogging update
by jmgoyder

I’m gradually (and unguiltily!) getting back to reading, and commenting on, other people’s blogs, and re-subscribing to those I have lost touch with. Like many other bloggers, I feel such gratitude for the community of friends I’ve connected with over the last three years. The fact that I can’t consistently keep up with everyone’s posts no longer bothers me and it is quite a relief to dip in and read when I can, comment if I want to, and not read any blogs if the day is too busy. Having said that, I am very appreciative of those friends who continue to give me their support and friendship. It has been an extremely difficult year for my family, but things are finally returning to normal, whatever that is.

Perhaps my blog-reading will, from now on, resemble the unpredictability of Ming hanging out the washing!

The expression on Ming’s face here is exactly the same as when he sees his name in one of my blog posts – ha!

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Sep 7

Always check the weather forecast before waxing lyrical about the sunrise!
by jmgoyder

This morning I was awoken at 5 by my alarm and the sound of pouring rain and ferocious wind. I peeked out the window into the misty grey but couldn’t see any sign of the sunrise. So I went back to bed!

Today is Father’s Day so Ming and I went into the nursing home before lunch with our presents. Mine was a dozen oysters (which I picked up from the markets on the way in) and the DVD cooking series, Two Fat Ladies, which Anthony, Ming and I used to love watching. Ming’s gift was the English series, Doc Martin, and a bottle of champagne.

The oysters were a great hit:

Anthony finished the whole lot in about two minutes!

My mother came in after church and helped us snack on crackers and some special cheeses I’d bought, with olives, cherry tomatoes and baby cucumber, then Ming arrived and gave Anthony the presents which were also a hit. A bit later, we played some of the DVDs and cracked the champagne but Ants only had a couple of sips before falling asleep in his chair. My mother had gone home by then and eventually Ming left.

After that, I tidied and washed up the various plates and cutlery I keep in one of Anthony’s cupboards, then sat down to watch another episode of Two Fat Ladies with him, but he continued to sleep and, all of a sudden, I felt terribly flat and just wanted to come home to Ming, so I did. But Ming has now retired to his shed for the night and I am coming to terms with the fact that I am somewhat redundant in his life – perfectly normal of course but still hard.

When Anthony wakes up will he wonder where I am after the frivolity of this morning? I told his favourite nurse, Denise, that this is the first time I have left without saying goodbye but I didn’t want to wake him as he looked so peaceful, so she said she would tell him.

All of a sudden, even though he has been on my mind all day, I am consumed by the remembered agony of losing my father suddenly to a heart attack when I was nineteen and my younger brothers were seventeen and fifteen. Those brothers have become the most amazing dads to their children (five each!) I bet they think, with my mother, of our Dad today. He was a generous, beautiful gentleman.

Anyway, back to the sunrise fiasco – I am just going to check the weather forecast for tomorrow ….

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Sep 6

Reunion
by jmgoyder

I have decided that it is way too long since I have met up with someone who I used to be closer to, but have lost touch with. This is entirely my fault, as she is always there, no matter what.

Tomorrow, my plan is to surprise her; my alarm is set for 5am so that I can catch a few moments with her before she goes on her daily journey. I hope she will remember me and the good times we used to have. I hope she will say yes to me when I ask if we can be friends again.

Her name is sunrise.

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Aug 29

And on a lighter note!
by jmgoyder

Last week Ming got his driver’s licence back. He had to do a written and a practical driving test and the very next day we went up to Perth to collect the little second-hand Toyota Yaris (he has christened it “Fran”) that he had arranged to buy with his savings. Obviously our insurance claim on his ute/truck didn’t pay, but even if it had, Ming never wants another ute again so someone bought it for parts and towed it away earlier in the month. The sight of it out in the back yard, for all of these past months, is not something I will miss although it still has a kind of ghostly presence there, slowly fading.

Ming felt there was one last thing he had to do (to move on, I guess) and that was to go back to the site of the accident and remove his P-plate from the tree he’d crashed into. After the accident it had been stuck up high on the tree and we were never sure if the police or insurance people did this to mark the spot for further investigation, or if it was just someone being nasty. In any case, yesterday, Ming took our old ute and a ladder up there and removed the P-plate. He also found bits of debris from the crash so he removed those too and brought them home to be taken to the dump.

Having regained his independence, the angry Ming of the last few months seems to have disappeared and the angelic Ming has returned – haha! In a way I guess we have now come full circle in the sense that he was a newly licenced driver when the accident occurred and now he is again a newly licenced driver but with an older head on his shoulders. So that is that. Or is it?

Naively, I had thought that once Ming got a car and his independence back, there would somehow be a feeling of closure (for me, I mean), but I relapsed last week into some of the feelings described in the last two posts. The closest I can get to describing this is to liken it to waking up just before a nightmare has come to its conclusion, so you never get to “The End”, and you don’t get that phew of relief that it was only a nightmare. Perhaps the notion of closure is a myth we have invented in order to make things neat and tidy again after a traumatic experience. Perhaps it is living with and beyond the absence of closure that makes people stronger, wiser, even kinder. I don’t know.

What I do know, however, is that I have never seen anything as funny as big, tall Ming folding himself into little, tiny “Fran”!

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Aug 28

Beware of the dog: a cautionary tale
by jmgoyder

I wrote about the accident yesterday, naively thinking that if I regurgitated the stones in my throat, it might be possible to reach a place of calm, cathartic peace. How stupid was that!

The dog was here, again, its initial growl sounding like a lullaby until, once I had written my words down, it began to bark madly as if I had done/said something wrong. So I edited what I had written until the dog swallowed my extra words, until it attacked my thumping heart and painted it red with slices of stillness, until it put its big paw against my throat and whined until I woke up.

Jet black, this dog blends into the evening sky invisibly, sleeps in the pocket of the dark blankets around my feet at night, wakes me up every morning with the audacity of its sudden absence – not my best friend, not my worst enemy, but my closest companion.

Of course I hate the presence of this black dog, and its black eyes, and its black waving tail, and the black fur of its snuggly black snout but recently I have noticed the growing yawn of its absence. Hurray!

That dog was blocking out the sun with its big, dark presence, its ridiculous attempt to be a metaphor, its wolfish editorial antics. Beware of the dog.

I wrote about the accident yesterday, naively thinking that if I regurgitated the stones in my throat, it might be possible to reach a place of calm, cathartic peace. How wonderful was that!

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