jmgoyder

wings and things

“C’mon, Mum, have a laugh!”

One of things Ming says to me most often these days is “C’mon, Mum, have a laugh!” So today I will tell a funny story.

Gutsy9, the baby peacock, is now two weeks old and is quite happy to sleep in his box at night as long as he can spend the day on my shoulder. Well, when he was one day old, Ming and I had to go to town to do numerous things and I didn’t want to leave Gutsy9 alone for so long, so I took him tucked into my shirt. Ming had a gig to set up for, I had a lunch date with friends, then Ming had a counselling appointment and I was going to visit Ants (another reason I took Gutsy9 with me – I wanted to show him to Ants.)

Okay, so I dropped Ming off and went to the restaurant. Gutsy9 was asleep inside my shirt almost under my left arm so I kept my left hand on him through the shirt, sat down at the table with my friends and ordered. Gutsy9 was quiet to begin with but soon woke up and chirped, so I took him out and showed my friends who were rather aghast so I quickly chucked him back into my shirt and joined in the various conversations. A couple of hours later I picked Ming up to go to counselling and he’d forgotten I had Gutsy9 so said, “Oh that bloody bird – you’re the one who needs counselling.” He was quite nasty and I was hurt.

Anyway, the counsellor had asked me to come for the first bit of Ming’s session so I went in with him but said I couldn’t stay long because of the bird. I pulled Gutsy9 out of my shirt to show her and she looked, well, a bit surprised to say the least. Then we all sat down and she asked me how I was. It never ceases to amaze me how those three simple words ‘how are you?’ can reduce me to tears – which is what happened much to my horror. I said Ming and I had just had another altercation blah blah blah, and she suggested I stay for the whole session but I said no because I wanted to take Gutsy9 to show Anthony.

So I left and drove up the road to the nursing lodge and spent a very pleasant hour with Ants and Gutsy9 then went back to pick Ming up. By then, Ming was repentant but tentatively suggested that I should have some private counselling sessions of my own because he had been helped enormously. I told him I would think about it and we went home.

It was a few days later, when I was telling some other friends about the counselling experience, and they were laughing hysterically, that I realized how stark, raving mad I must have seemed to the counsellor and to my lunch companions!

Anthony, on the other hand, wasn’t the slightest bit nonplussed because he knows me, adores me and accepts me.

So, “C’mon, Ming, have a laugh!”

And guess what – we are both laughing today – yeeha!

Gutsy9 just hatched.

Gutsy9 just hatched.

 

Gutsy9 - 2 weeks old today!

Gutsy9 – 2 weeks old today!

 

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“You have a pied peacock!”

Well guess what I found out yesterday? Gutsy9 is definitely a male and he is also pied which means he is half blue and half white. So I was probably right about King being the father and one of the white peahens being the mother. A friend who was doing some painting here took one look at him and said “You have a pied peacock!” He was so surprised. Apparently we may find a few more little Gutsys around in the next few weeks but, since I haven’t been able to find any nests, it seems unlikely.

Here is a link to a website that shows pictures of what a pied peacock looks like when it’s fully grown. I found this very interesting.

http://database.amyspeacockparadise.com/blue_pied.html

It's possible, of course,  that Prince might be the father.

It’s possible, of course, that Prince might be the father.

But all of the peahens tend to avoid Prince because he is so immature.

But all of the peahens tend to avoid Prince because he is so immature.

So this must be Mum.

So this must be Mum.

And this must be Dad!

And this must be Dad!

None of Gutsy9’s possible parents, however, will take him under their wings!

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Peachick ponderings

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I take Gutsy9 outside as often as I can but I can’t leave him alone because he’s nervous of the bigger birds.

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This is King and Princess 1 wondering if Gutsy9 is theirs, but not willing to get too close.

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Gutsy9 scurries back to me all the time!

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Rejection rescue

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Peahen 4: What is that noisy thing?

Princess 2: It’s definitely not mine!

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Gutsy9: MUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Argh!

Okay, Gutsy9 is now around 4 days old. I have taken him outside to meet his potential mothers but none of them will take responsibility. They just look at him as if he is an alien and he keeps running back to me anyway. I will keep trying but obviously he will need to get a bit older before he is re-integrated.

In the meantime he is living on my shoulder. I love it!

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Prince the peacock and Prince Ming

Prince: Julie, we never go over to the neighbours' place. It's just those stupid blue peas that do that.sdc10036

These two guys have a lot in common.

They both like to show off.

They both like to dance on the roof.

They are both gorgeous.

However, the second prince, despite all appearances to the contrary, is much more interesting!

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No such thing as normal

I have always found the concept of ‘normal’ problematic. As a child I was obsessively anxious that I might be abnormal and would constantly ask my mother, “Am I normal?” She would always reassure me but I still had my doubts.

As an adult I eschew the notion of normal. It is such a bland, boring word and it hardly ever makes sense on its own. Without context, cultural and social, it is a vacuous concept. Quite frankly I don’t like it and it doesn’t like me.

I’m not alone here am I. But normal rules doesn’t it. It boxes you in with its perfect corners. But ‘abnormal’ isn’t a very pleasant word either so it is a dilemma for children when they are measured on such a continuum with nothing in the middle. The pressure to be normal or the same as everyone else is a ferocious pressure and can torture the child/person who struggles with not being able to fit into the box.

If you are not normal in the stereotypical way, you are not abnormal, you are just different, unique, original, maybe a bit eccentric even. So what.

If you are ‘normal’ well good on you!

I’ve always embraced Ming’s various idiosyncracies. When his pre-school teacher informed me, in serious tones, that he didn’t conform, I pretended to be concerned but was secretly thinking ‘yay!’ Hell, he was only 4! When he couldn’t grip his pencil in the normal way, a psychologist was brought in to see him at the school. Again, I pretended concern but secretly thought ‘does this really matter?’ He was only 7!

Now, however, I struggle with whether it is normal for an 18-year-old boy/man to emotionally detach from his father. I have allowed this to happen because my only other choice was to force guilt on him. It has been heartbreaking to watch this transition from compassionate to dispassionate son. 15-year-old Ming said to the doctor “we will never put Dad in a nursing home!” with his eyes full of tears. 18-year-old Ming doesn’t even want to see Anthony anymore. “It’s not Dad now,” he reasons.

I bought one of those mini photo scanners the other day. My plan is to scan the best of hundreds of photos of Ants and Ming that I took over the years of Ming growing up.  I will then organize these into a photo book for each of them for Christmas.

Last night I asked Ming, “Can you reconjure any compassion at all?” and he said, “No, Mum, but I can pretend.”

That is enough. That is normal enough.

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Love story 124 – Ming’s Christmas present

Oh, I have been so so excited about Anthony’s, and my, idea for a Christmas present for Ming this year. Ants and I have been discussing it for some time but have finally made the decision to do this (I can’t say what the Christmas present is in case Ming reads the blog; he hasn’t for some time, but you never know).

This will undoubtedly be the last time Ants and I collaborate on this kind of thing, for two reasons: 1. Ants’ dementia is getting worse; and 2. Ming is nearly 19.

I guess it is these two factors that punched me in the face this morning when I drove Ming into music school. I mentioned Christmas Day and said Ants would be coming home for the day and Ming’s reaction to this was so horrible that we ended up having our first row for weeks.

We made up for lost time.

While Ming and I were yelling at each other, I thought of Ming’s Christmas present – the only thing that has elicited a bit of enthusiasm from Ants for ages.

Since this morning’s row, Ming and I have had another, followed by a tentative truce in which he said, “We only have each other, Mum”, and I said, “You wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Dad.”

And now he is in his room and I am in mine and Anthony’s phone isn’t working.

Ming asked me today what I wanted for Christmas and I said, “Wings”.

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Snoopy

When Ming was little he always talked to himself. Even before he said his first words, he would chatter away in that strange preverbal language that he’d punctuate constantly with sudden exclamations or wild giggles. I used to love listening to this so-called nonsense, knowing that even though it didn’t translate easily, it made enormous sense to Ming. He would play for hours with his blocks and his duplo and the house would be permeated with the highs and lows of his quiet little voice with its exaggerated intonations. It seemed never to cease – a beautiful sound, like a water fountain or soft music in the background.

I think even Ming found his own voice soothing because often, when there was a lull in the Ming monologue, Anthony or I would go and check only to find that he had either talked himself to sleep or else had put his dummy into his mouth for a bit of peace and quiet!

At the age of two, Ming still didn’t have the 50 words he was supposed to have (or so I was informed by two of the more experienced playgroup mothers), but he was pretty close. He treated each new word as something exciting and precious, rolling it around on his tongue like a lolly, or else jumping up on my knee and shouting it into my ear to give me a fright. Initially, he seemed to want to keep each new word as a separate kind of plaything, rather than joining his vocabulary together.

Eventually, though, Ming began to jigsaw his words into phrases and mini-sentences and it was around about this time that he began to talk to his stuffed toys in the same constant way he’d talked to himself for so long.

One night after I’d tucked him in with his Snoopy toy and put the light off, I heard the murmur of his little voice and, always curious, I crept up the hallway to his doorway with my ears pricked.

The hall light was shining into his bedroom and I heard Ming say, “Is it awight, your mouf like that, Snoopy?” After a short pause, he rephrased the question. “Snoopy, is your mouf comfy like that?” After another short pause, Ming’s tone became impatient and I heard the echo of my words in Ming’s reprimand: “Snoopy, doan ignooooooooooowa me!”

I ventured in and sat on Ming’s bed. He was trying to poke Snoopy’s red tongue back into his mouth but the tongue was fixed – sewed into the furry material at an angle.

“Oh, Mummy!” Ming exclaimed when he saw me, “Snoopy can’t unnastann me!” His little brow furrowed and he was gripping Snoopy’s tongue in frustration.

Then, just as I was about to break it to Ming that Snoopy was never going to be able to communicate with him, Ming’s eyes lit up as the truth suddenly hit him. Looking up at me from his pillow, as if I were an extremely silly person, he said, with solemn wisdom, “Oh, Mummy, you muss ‘member, Snoopy is oany a toy!”

“Oh, yes,” I said, feigning surprise and getting up to go before Ming spotted my barely disguised grin in the dim light. “Good night, Ming – I love you,” I said as I left his room.

“’Night, Mummy, I wuv you,” he called up the hallway, then, in such a quiet whisper that I nearly didn’t catch it, he breathed, “’Night, Snoopy, I wuv you too.”

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Love story 117 – Without

During this strange and difficult year (Anthony going into the nursing lodge, Ming’s spinal operation, and my loss of employment), Ming and I have somehow emerged from the quicksand of my grief and his rage and we are beginning to cope better. This evening we began a list of things we have to do, and buy, to keep this place ticking along properly. It is still a shock to me that Anthony is no longer at home and in charge of these things but, as Ming rightly pointed out tonight, this hasn’t been the case for some time.

Ming’s catchcry is always ‘teamwork’ and my response is always reluctant because he is so bossy. We have, however, dealt with our tussle with a truce handshake so tomorrow he will do the lawns and I will do the bills and other paperwork, and we will not argue. We will begin to transform our disorder into order, bit by bit by bit, without Anthony.

It is this withoutAnthonyness that seems to have suffocated my energy. I don’t feel quite present and I keep losing all of my todays. But Ming is okay and much stronger at the moment and tonight he asked me to lean on him more so I agreed. But I won’t really do this of course because I have to pull myself together so that I don’t cripple him under the weight of a temporary bout of despair. Without tomorrow, today would sob itself to sleep.

There is (I think, but I’m not sure) always, always, always, hope.

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Boom, crash, opera!

I bought a CD for Anthony one Christmas and we played it loudly. It was opera and it was Ming’s first exposure to any music other than ‘The Wiggles’. He was four and a half.

From the time he heard that CD, Ming sang operatically all over the house. This lasted for about six months. Instead of saying all of his new words, he’d warble them. “Where’s teddyyyyyy?”; “Gimmeeeee gingereeeeeeella [ginger ale] – please Mummyyyyyyyy daaaaaaarliiiing” – were sung so powerfully that I was afraid the windows would shatter.

At pre-school he did the same. With no self-consciousness whatsoever, he’d trill, “I want red tractoooooor”; or “I havta blow my noooooooose.” Everything was sung, so much so that he became somewhat famous for his operatic voice. The other kids would say, “Sing opera, Ming” and he’d sing his little repertoire, grinning when everyone clapped.

Then he started singing an octave lower. When he was being a wolf, his growl would become a surprisingly deep warble. When he was playing cars, his ‘vrooming’ would transform into a thunderous baritone. The first time I heard this, I rushed into his bedroom, thinking he was having some sort of strange fit.

But, as suddenly as it started, the opera-singing stopped – bang. A friend I hadn’t seen for ages dropped in and, over coffee, mentioned she’d been taking opera lessons. I said, proudly, “Ming does opera – he’s amazing.”

She looked doubtful, but I introduced them to each other anyway, telling Ming that Ann was an opera singer.

“Your mother tells me you sing opera,” she boomed. (She was quite a large, boisterous woman). “Sing,” she commanded.

Ming looked at me, then looked at her, then looked at me again. He opened his mouth, then closed it on a croak.

“Do you want me to sing for you, then?” she asked Ming and he nodded shyly, but he didn’t look one bit keen. He climbed onto my lap for reassurance.

For the next five minutes, her enormous voice filled the house. The volume was alarming in its intensity. Ming clutched my hand, eyes wide with shock, and I felt my own pulse quicken with amazement.

After she left, Anthony came in from the dairy and said, “Why did you and your friend have that CD turned up so loudly? We could hear it over in the shed.”

I explained and he roared with laughter. “Where’s Ming?” he asked.

“He’s being a tiger in his room, I think,” I said.

“Are you sure? It’s so quiet.”

We both went and had a peek. Ming had his plastic tiger mask on and was snarling at an imaginary foe outside the window. The snarls were not musical; in fact, they were more like mimes.

He turned around and saw us, then whispered, very seriously, “I don’t do opwa anymore.

Ming didn’t sing a note for days! It was a BeeGees special on TV that finally broke the silence, and we got our little singer back. He still does that falsetto thing marvelously!

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