jmgoyder

wings and things

Dec 20

“Mummy!”

by jmgoyder

Ming was allowed to come home today, three days after his surgery which was a fantastic surprise (we were told he’d be in hospital until Christmas Eve). I’d been staying in a hotel for a couple of nights and coming and going to the hospital, but checked out yesterday, planning to visit Ming then go home to the farm to feed and water the dogs, birds and alpacas, only to be told he’d be discharged today! So I quickly rang a friend to see if she could do the animals and checked back into the hotel for another night.

Yesterday Ming was still attached to the pain+antibiotic drip, a catheter, and a blood drain thingy, oxygen, and he could hardly get out of bed and walk a few steps, but today he was free of the various tubes and fighting fit – amazing! It is 8pm here and we got home around an hour ago. Ming is in a lot of pain but has three kinds of painkillers so is now in bed.

One of the painkillers has a strange side-effect – Mummy love! It is so hilarious; on Tuesday evening when he finally came out of surgery, he kept looking at me woozily and saying, “Oh, Mummy, give me your hand, hold my hand, I want to have a cubble (cuddle), you are the best mummy in the whole wide world, oh I love you so much” etc. If I let his hand go for a moment, he would yell, “Mummy, I need your hand! Muuuuuuummmmmmmyyyyyyyyy!”

Now this would have been okay if (a) he had a private room, and (b) he had a quiet voice. But he was in a shared room with three men who were all chuckling every time Ming yelled out, “Mummy, hand – where’s your hand?” After a couple of hours of this I started to get a bit embarrassed and sick of holding his stupid hand! His nurse was laughing hysterically (but quietly) at his antics and, as Ming got sleepier, she helped me remove my hand from his so I could escape to my hotel and have a well-earned wine.

My hand is still aching from his grip – so funny!

And so absolutely wonderful!

Note: Thank you so much to my WordPress and Facebook, and other friends and family (especially my own mother) for all of your prayers, wishes and messages to us. I haven’t had time to reply properly but please know how much your comments, care and love is appreciated by Ming and Muuuuummmmmyyyyy!

Animal blogging Family Friendship Happiness

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Dec 15

What to do if your computer overheats.

by jmgoyder

In the southwest of Western Australia we are experiencing a heat wave and, at 7.30pm the thermometer in the kitchen is nudging 38 degrees C to over 40 and apparently tomorrow will be even hotter. Oh that’s great – the air conditioner in the car stopped working a week ago and I have to take Ming up to Perth tomorrow for his surgery on Tuesday. I am going to be so worried about the animals in this heat (yes I’m just a tad worried for Ming too). Ming suggested he drive himself up for the surgery (that’s how nonchalant about it he is) and I have to admit I was a bit tempted but no, of course not.

So we are booked in to a hotel within walking distance from the hospital so that we can have a ‘night before’ get together with friends, a good sleep, then walk up to the hospital at 6am on Tuesday. Ming spent a couple of hours with Anthony at the nursing home today and we got Ants home yesterday for the afternoon so I am hoping he will remember what is happening and why I am not visiting. I will ring him of course but that is problematic in itself because he is often unable to remember how to answer the phone. But Ants hugged us both and wished Ming luck and said he would understand if I didn’t see him for a few days.

Oh, that’s right – this is about what to do if your computer overheats.

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Put a frozen package of something or other under it and it will gasp with relief!

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Dec 14

Not buying into Christmas

by jmgoyder

Such a relief! Today, Ming and I had planned to go into town, get presents for each other and Anthony, get a Christmas tree, a ham, wrapping paper, sticky tape (which I can never find), send a few last-minute cards, decorate the house, find the Christmas tree lights and ornaments (oh where did I put them?) and generally have a frantic, stressful, expensive, horrible day.

But on waking up this morning to a day that was already promising relentless heat, I changed my mind and a bit later I discussed my idea with Ming:

Me: I think we should postpone Christmas.
Ming: What?
Me: Well, you will be in hospital until Christmas Eve … actually maybe we should just skip Christmas this year.
Ming: What? No presents?
Me: No presents.
Ming: No tree?
Me: No tree.
Ming: No turkey?
Me: No turkey.
Ming: No Christmas crackers?
Me: No Christmas crackers.
Ming: Mum, this is such a relief!
Me: So you agree?
Ming: I think it’s a brilliant idea!
Me: Without all the usual fuss we can celebrate Christmas for what it is.
Ming: Do you mean go to church?
Me: Yes.
Ming: Okay, let’s shake on this.

So we shook hands and grinned at each other.

The sense of relief is huge! I don’t have to fight through the throngs at the shops, spend a small fortune on ‘stuff’, don’t have to worry about how the hell I am going to cook a turkey with no oven, don’t have to search the whole of Australia for cranberry sauce, don’t have to spend hours wrapping presents, don’t have to queue up at the post office – ahhhhh!

A bit later:

Ming: But what will we eat for lunch on Christmas day?
Me: Ham sandwiches? I mean Anthony hardly has any appetite anymore anyway, it’ll be too hot for me to eat and you’re a fussy brat.
Ming: I like ham sandwiches.
Me: Good, then that’s decided.
Ming: But Grandma’s still coming on Christmas day isn’t she?
Me: No.
Ming: WHAT?!
Me: I’m joking, you idiot!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – now all I have to do today is frolic with the peacocks – yeeha!

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Animal Australia Family Friendship Happiness Humour joy Marriage Parkinson's disease Teenagers Western Australia Wings

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Dec 9

My great niece

by jmgoyder

Several weeks ago a baby girl was born into our family – my nephew’s first child (with the help of his beautiful wife), my brother’s first grandchild, my mother’s first great grandchild, and my other brother’s and my own first great niece.

Seeing her today was wonderful! She has changed so much already – as babies do. Surrounded by the love of her parents, grandparents from both sides of the family, and great aunts like me, cousins and second cousins galore, this child already has the delighted expression in her navy blue eyes of being Number One!

My mother had a long conversation with her while I sat on the floor, ignored and jealous, until suddenly this fantastic baby turned her head to me, squeezed my finger in her tiny fist and told me a few home truths (I was unable to interpret but hopefully her parents will translate what she said to me later). She fixed her piercing eyes on me and uttered several baby sentences which I tried to answer to the best of my ability but eventually she threw my finger away with a look of ‘omg this auntie is thick!’

Neve – I love you, my first great niece, and your parents are pretty okay too (but you already know that!)

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Family Friendship Happiness Humour joy

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Dec 9

My muse is a peachick

by jmgoyder

Gutsy 9 is one year old today (yes I got the date wrong in a previous post – I thought I found her on November 9!) For those who don’t know, G9 is the peachick I found scurrying around outside on 9 December 2012. I knew she wasn’t a duck or a goose but I thought she might be a chook, or a turkey, or even a guinnea fowl, and it took me awhile to realize she was a peachick. Since none of the peahens seemed to want her, I brought her into the house and raised her until she was big enough to go outside. As she grew, I discovered that she was pied (half white and half blue) and recently that she was a she after all (we had thought she was a he). She is a daily delight – she runs to me whenever she hears my voice and still does funny little twirlies, then follows me like a dog. Here are some photos of her a year ago – on my shoulder, Anthony’s lap and in Ming’s hands – and her birthday photo today. She has brought all of us a great deal of joy.

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Birds Family Friendship Happiness Humour joy Wings

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Dec 8

Meg and Ming

by jmgoyder

Ming (my son) and Meg (my mother) are very good at charades, or whatever they were playing when this photo was taken. I have no recollection of this occasion, but my mother just sent me the photo which I have never seen before! In the good old days, when Anthony still lived here at home, my ma would often come to visit on Sundays. She and Ming would play games nonstop while Anthony and I watched, bemused, amused and sometimes hysterical with laughter. Meg and Ming + Ming and Meg = Inviolable.

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Meg is Ming’s only grandparent so they have a special relationship, as well as very bad taste in eye-glasses. Thanks for the guffaw, Ma!

Embarrassing moments Family Friendship Happiness Humour joy LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers

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Dec 6

Learning how the law works

by jmgoyder

Today Ming and I met with his lawyer for the second time and his barrister for the first time. The barrister was just as honest and down-to-earth as the lawyer, but she did warn us that jail is a possibility because five children were injured. I suppose there is no point in panicking about this yet as the court date still hasn’t been set (but of course I am panicking). Apparently the police report will be sent to the lawyer and he will send it on to us but I am not sure how it all works. The seriousness of the children’s injuries has been our main concern over the last two months so I guess I hadn’t (until now) realized how serious the repercussions might be for Ming in terms of his charges and sentencing. Thanks for all the thoughts, prayers and comments for our extended family and I’m sorry I haven’t answered all of them. I am also extremely grateful for the testimonials send to us on Ming’s behalf because apparently these will possibly have an impact on the judge’s decision. I am not going to write about any of this for awhile because it’s too difficult but, again, thanks so much for the support!

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This photo was taken two years ago, before everything began to skew.

blogging Family Friendship Grief Teenagers Western Australia

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Dec 5

Dangerous driving

by jmgoyder

I haven’t written about the car accident for awhile because I have been too anxious and shaken, and have not wanted to publicize details that might seem like an invasion of privacy. So I haven’t posted photos or named the children for this reason and will not do so now.

For those who don’t know, eight weeks ago today, Ming took his little cousins and a friend for a ride on the back of his ute (truck), then lost control on gravel about 2 kms from home. I do not want to replay the horror of that night or talk about the details. Instead, I want to say how grateful I am that everybody is recovering well despite multiple fractures including spinal and that yesterday we got the good news that two of my nieces got their neck braces off and the one nephew will hopefully soon be able to walk again (but I don’t know how soon). The friend is recovering well from her badly broken arm but her best friend, my niece, will still be in a neck-to-waist brace for many weeks (she is the one who told me to stop inboxing her, beautiful brat!)

My whole family continues to support each other, with humour, empathy, a couple of arguments, reconcilations, renewed love for each other and enormous mutual support. So I am very proud to belong to such a family – my mother, brothers, sister-in-laws, and the kids – where forgiveness and generosity are so natural.

Ming has now been charged with five counts of dangerous driving causing bodily harm and tomorrow we see the lawyer and barrister who are taking his case. My family and friends have provided many character references for him that will hopefully help but we still don’t know the court date.

In Australia there are three levels of driving offences – careless driving, dangerous driving, and reckless driving, so Ming is in the middle. Of course I am terribly worried but I didn’t realize how worried I was until the wash of relief that all of the children will be okay – even my niece who is still in the brace and oh how I wish I could wear that bloody thing for her.

On the cusp of what if? it is difficult NOT to imagine how much worse this could have been. Yesterday, at another family get together, the children all said how haunted they were still and my heart breaks that they have this memory. I guess it will stop any of them from driving dangerously.

Ming, despite being very open about everything else in his life to me, is strangely silent about the accident and seems to just want it to go away. I understand that and I also understand how reading the character witness statements upsets him. Despite his shock and remorse and anxiety about the kids, he has that attitude of moving forward. I don’t understand his resilence any more than he understand my lack of it.

Dangerous driving is dangerous driving so please warn your younger loved ones that a joyride of this type is not worth it.

Australia Family Friendship Grief joy Teenagers Western Australia

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Dec 3

When every day becomes yesterday

by jmgoyder

When Anthony was home yesterday he kept talking to the television. I would come in and out of the kitchen where he was sitting (his favourite spot) and enter an already-there conversation. I was busy with washing and other chores (something I continue to do even if Ants is home, just to keep things normal-ish), but every time I came back into the kitchen he would be talking to one of his deceased brothers, or to the now-dead stove, or to the dogs on the table (hallucinations).

Ming cannot stand it – he just can’t. He says, “Mum, I love Dad but I just can’t tolerate him!” I understand his point of view; after all, he is only 19 and his dad is nearly 78. On the shy side of 50, I am in the middle of this all the time so, when Ants comes home – and I do this as much as possible – I leave Ming with him while I go to the toilet to cry. No, not self-pity – just so hard to remember how good it once was and how bad it is now.

I miss all of our wonderful yesterdays just as much as Anthony does. But Ming doesn’t remember and he has no recollection of Anthony ever being well. Every day, lately, he has asked me for a hug and every day I have given him a hug, even after our ferocious arguments, about the car accident, about many things….

Sometimes it is hard to be positive but I have enormous faith in both Ants and Ming and I think that is reciprocated to me. I hope so.

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Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers

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Nov 23

Ming’s scoliosis decision

by jmgoyder

Yesterday Ming made the decision to have the surgery on his spine and we will know when in the next week or so. The decision was not make lightly and no longer has anything to do with aesthetics (originally he was more upset to see that his straightened spine was now five degrees more crooked than it was post surgery in February 2012.) Now it is more to do with the ache at the site of where he fractured a length of titanium when he lifted something too heavy on our farm some months ago.

Apparently the fractured piece will not be replaced but instead will be mended with some sort of screw, then anchored to neighbouring vertebrae with more titanium and surrounded by bone from the bone bank. The operation will only be two hours this time, with no spinal cord monitoring required (the original surgery was around nine hours).

There is no guarantee that he will be straighter but there is hope that the pain will go away. The surgeon is now insistent that he stops all manual labour, not just now, but forever, which is something we were naive about last year. I guess we thought that once he’d healed he would once again be able to do anything he wanted to do; we didn’t understand the foreverness of his scoliosis condition, or perhaps we just didn’t want to accept it.

As with everything, Ming is coping much better than I am with the prognosis – surgery or not – but I am doing a very good job of hiding how sad I feel that my great, big, strong footballing, motorbike riding boy will never be able to bend, turn, lift etc. like most people can. So, yes, I am a little tragified but he isn’t and is very philosophical, which is great.

It’s all going to be fine.

Ming's Christmas present 2010 - 'Black beauty'

Family Grief joy Teenagers

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