jmgoyder

wings and things

Vacuuming

On the eve of Ming’s 22nd birthday I asked him to vacuum the house.

I had already given him a pre-birthday present of some money, but told him that he would only get the rest if he vacuumed the house.

He grinned, pointed out that the vacuum cleaner needed a new bag, asked me if I remembered how to change the bag, then tested my memory of how to change the bag. I have no idea why I have a reluctance to change the bag; Ants always did that, then Ming. But, in my defence, I am the one who does most of the vacuuming.

Well, having passed the ‘change-the-vacuum-bag’ examination, Ming dismissed me to my newly air-conditioned writing room/office, still grinning (him, not me) and I waited with bated breath for the sound of the vacuum.

I didn’t expect the sound to be so loud. Anthony was always a quiet, careful, gentle vacuumer; he didn’t want to upset the skirting boards. Ming, on the other hand, is a rather violent vacuumer. The BANG AND CRASH sounds were a little alarming so I decided to stay put in the hope that he would forget about this room where I was hiding under my desk.

Finally the sounds of mad vacuuming ceased. The silence was so abrupt that I wondered if the vacuum cleaner was all right. After a little bit more silence I realised that I should have been wondering about Ming.

I emerged from underneath my desk just as Ming entered my writing room. A great big grinning presence.

Ming: Well, I’ve cleaned your house!
Me: OMG that is exactly what Ants said after vacuuming! Every time he did anything domestic, he would make it known that he had done if for me, and I would argue that it was also his house.

I can’t wait to tell this story to Ants tomorrow. I know he will remember his obsession with vacuuming and Electrolux. And I know he will smile at Ming’s vacuuming efforts.

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Editing out the anger

I went back to yesterday’s post and edited out the anger by admitting to it. It doesn’t even feel like anger anymore; it feels more like terror. The power of suggestion I guess, phone-calls from various family members worried that Ants was near death; the idea insinuating itself into my psyche, drippling in – rusty tears from a leaking tap.

“He is fine!” said over and over and over again until my own voice has become the echo of Anthony’s whisper.

As I was leaving the nursing home the other afternoon, I had a brief conversation with a nurse:

Me: He’s really out of it today!
Nurse: Yes, he’s been sleeping a lot.
Me: Do you think … is he going to die soon?
Nurse: No, he’s just getting older.
Me: I get a bit scared sometimes.

Editing out the anger, facing the terror of losing him, then getting back to the normality of sitting next to him, my hand on his shoulder, watching television, waiting for him to wake up and smile at me.

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Whispers

Anthony’s voice has become so soft, he is hardly audible now. How did this happen so fast? One minute I am jotting down his brilliantly cryptic phrases, and the next he is unable to utter a single word.

Parkinson’s disease (in all its variations) has such a conglomeration of symptoms, the tremor symptom being just one, that it took years to figure out what the hell was wrong with Anthony. Understandably, perhaps, I just thought he was getting old really fast.

As Ming grew from baby to child to teenager, Anthony’s usually loud voice gradually lost its point, its force, its boom.

So, from now on, I will be listening to his whispers more intently than usual. He will have to check with me re the placement of every single comma!

The recent rumour that Ants was near death absolutely infuriated me!

Whispers….

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Once upon a time 2

As the young girl grew into a young woman, she and the dairy farmer maintained a close friendship. Her nursing student friends would casually dribble phrases like “father figure” and “big brother” but she would recoil from these suggestions, her cheeks crimson with embarrassment.

Her grief at losing her father was relentless; it stormed into her dreams so vividly that she began writing clumsy poetry about sharks and salvation. On her days off, she would travel home to the countryside, to see her mother. On her way back to the city, she would visit the dairy farmer and his younger brother’s family, who shared the farm.

The younger brother’s family consisted of a wife and four children, all startlingly blonde. The eldest daughter was only a few years younger than she was. The second eldest daughter had never forgotten the day she and the young girl had first met over a mixing bowl in the dairy farmer’s kitchen. A nine-year-old at the time, she had taken great pleasure in instructing the young girl in cake-making.

And outside, in the paddocks, the dairy farmer and his brother could easily be spotted via the bright white light of the little boys’ hair. The young girl would stand at the window with the dairy farmer’s mother and observe the scene, smiling when the children’s giggles filled the hot summer air and wafted into the house.

The young girl didn’t just fall in love with the dairy farmer; she fell in love with his whole family! She became especially fond of the dairy farmer’s youngest brother’s wife, a tall, shy woman who she looked up to. This fondness was reciprocated when the young girl was asked to become a godparent to the littlest of the blonde children.

‘In the meantime’ became a constant in the young woman’s absolute certainty that the dairy farmer was the one and only person she would ever marry. Her certainty matched his uncertainty in equal amounts:

Him: I’m too old for you.
Her: I don’t care.
Him: You are too beautiful; find a younger guy. It wouldn’t be fair on you.

Her: Okay then.

Those years threw snakes into the sky and plunged crows underground, but they also carpetted a future path of moss. Okay, too many mixed metaphors, sorry. They saw each others’ feet and both exclaimed ‘yuck!’

PS. I need to give names to these characters.

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Once upon a time 1

Once upon a time, a dairy farmer fell in love with a girl half his age. She had come to help his mother out with the scrambled eggs, the polishing of brass and silver, the arrangement of camellia blooms in the shallow pink dish on the kitchen table. He didn’t know he was in love until, underneath the clothesline one day, she called him a ‘selfish pig’. The next day, he took her hand and led her outside to see the once-a-year bloom of the moonflower.

She, on the other hand, knew she was in love with the dairy farmer but she didn’t know what to do with the love. It felt like a disability, a heavy, sinking secret. As she cycled home each day, she would sometimes stop to eat an orange his mother had given her. The discarded seeds resembled hope but nothing ever grew from them.

They became best friends, confidantes, buddies. When her father died suddenly, the dairy farmer took her for a long drive. When his mother was admitted to hospital, the young girl sat with her for eight days and was holding her hand when she died.

You would think, wouldn’t you, that the unlikely couple would be united in their mutual grief but, instead, the earth seemed to shift, a strange chasm tossed them apart. The dairy farmer continued to milk cows and the young girl went to the city to train as a nurse. She figured she’d be a good nurse as she already knew about death, dying, and how the sight of a camellia bloom, or the scent of cow manure, can bring a person to their knees.

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Anthony

In the last few moments of the year just gone, I broke my holstered, hesitant silence about your illnesses
and blog-blurted little retrospective bits of the puzzle
that has become you.

I wish that I had spoken up earlier
I wish that I had defended you better
I wish that I hadn’t succumbed to your gag order, your insistence on peace at all costs.

Now that you are so incapacitated, I want to be the LOUD of your frail voice; I want to be the SHRIEK of your silent tears; I want to be the STORY of all of your histories.

You won’t approve, of course. You won’t want anybody to know that your heart was so broken that it took the arrival of Ming to heal you. That amazing moment when you became a father and I became a mother ….

Happy new year Ants.

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