Okay so my new idea is to visit Ants later in the day, like I did this afternoon. That way, I can get other stuff done (writing, picking tomatoes from my garden, having heart-to-heart conversations with Ming, researching PDD, feeding the peacocks, vacuuming the house, finding the iron etc.)
My mother visited and fed Ants his lunch today but, by the time I got there, he was in bed, propped up ready for tea and he thought my mother’s visit was yesterday. I threw myself onto the bed and hugged him, much to his amusement, and lay there beside him for a bit, kissing him ferociously on the lips quickly, until he grinned.
Maybe I should visit later in the day so that he has a good memory of seeing me before he goes to sleep. That might be a better way for me to venture forward – dunno! That way, I could deal with daily life stuff, go into town to feed Anthony his tea, then come home and chill.
Over the years, lots of people have advised me to look after me, but I don’t buy into that whole ‘me’ thing because it’s so weird; after all, a ‘me’ can’t be isolated from a ‘we’.
I think I have now resolved various issues to do with family politics and, having spoken to Anthony’s only remaining brother yesterday, we have a tenuous agreement that he will ring me before visiting. I stated the reasons, he rejected the reasons, but at least we had a dialogue. My feistiness sought refuge in a compassionate sinkhole. Futile, of course. Silly me.
But none of this matters any more – none of it. Anthony is the best person I have ever met in my life. He was my friend for over a decade before he became my husband; he was a middle-aged, bachelor dairy farmer, a workaholic, a person who liked to run in the paddocks just for the fun of running. He was loud and, like his mother, liked to party; he was crude and respectful at the same time; he was snobby and/or ‘common’ simultaneously; he was my absolute hero.
So, perhaps, when I feed him his tea tomorrow, I will remind him of these halcyon days!
jmgoyder 