Despite the fact that I am plodding rather clumsily through my grief about Anthony’s death, I still retain a fascination with Dementia and its impact on those who have it. So, yeah, it isn’t just about me and my own grief; of course not!
It has only just struck me now that Anthony’s increasing confusion over the last several years was exacerbated by his grief about this confusion. He never seemed to know he was confused because the dementia was so gradual and, again, I think this was a blessing. However, there were times when he did understand that something was wrong. I always reassured him of course but every now and then he would give me ‘the look’ as if to say, “do you think I am stupid, Jules?”
The love, longing and anxiety I have felt for so many years now was probably exactly the same for Ants but he had forgotten how to express it. He was as lonely for me as I was for him; after all, we had known and loved each other for 40 years.
My point here is that people with dementia are not just ‘people with dementia’. In other words, there is a whole swirling, twirling world of emotions and experiences that preceded the dreaded diagnosis.
Anthony’s grief on entry to the nursing home was palpable and it nearly destroyed us emotionally, but we did get through this heart-breaking decision all those years ago. Ming barely remembers as it was the same week he had his first surgery for scoliosis.
But Anthony put Ming’s health first and I will always be grateful for how he knowingly sacrificed his own emotional well-being for the sake of Ming. Despite being in the early stages of Dementia, Ants did know that respite in the nursing home might evolve into permanent care, which is exactly what happened.
I can hardly bear to think about how grief-stricken Anthony must have been at the time, despite his dementia-induced confusion.
And I think it is worth re-emphasising here that people with dementia also suffer grief.
jmgoyder 