jmgoyder

wings and things

Dementia Dialogues 21

Me: I’m a bit upset about these wrinkles on my cheeks that I’ve just noticed, Ants – see?

Anthony: Yes.

Me: What do you mean by ‘yes’? You’re supposed to say that you can’t see any wrinkles!

Anthony: But I can [and, OMG, he puts a finger into one of the many new little grooves of my left cheek!]

Me: I’m not happy about this, Ants, and, by the way, the only reason you don’t have wrinkles on your face is because the Parkinson’s Disease has made your face expressionless!

Anthony: That was not my intention.

Me: What? What!

Anthony: You look beautiful, Jules.

Me: Okay, but do I have wrinkles?

Anthony: Just the nice flavour.

I tried to laugh without further crinkling my face….

 

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Dementia dialogues 9/10

Me: How come there’s water all over the floor? Did you tip your drink out again?

Anthony: Yes, because everybody is dead.

Me: What?

Anthony: This is a funeral home.

Me: No way! This is a nursing home – remember?

Anthony: All of the kids ….

Me: Are they still bothering you?

Anthony: I had to fight one last night.

Me: Did you win?

Anthony: Half and a quarter….

Me: Good on you, Ants! They won’t be bothering you again, I’m sure.

…………..

Anthony: Well come on, Jules – let’s go.

Me: Where?

Anthony: Around the block.

Me: Which block? The farm or the nursing home?

Anthony: The rose garden.

Me: What rose garden?

Anthony: Along the driveway!

Me: It’s too rainy and cold, Ants – sorry. Maybe tomorrow?

……………

The last several weeks have been a bit of a challenge for me because my anxious/depressive tendencies roared into my brain – WHAMMO! – when I mistakenly thought Ants was on the brink of death. I don’t want the knife edge of that grief again and am hoping that I am now better prepared.

Me: I saw an advertisement on TV the other day about cremation versus burial. What do you reckon? You know what I mean? For both of us of course.

Anthony: It’s far too early to think about that.

Me: Okay, Ants.

Anthony: There’s something ….

Me: Is it to do with my exquisite face?

Anthony: I wouldn’t go that far.

Me: What?

Anthony: But it’s quite nice, I suppose.

Me: Harrumph!

 

 

 

 

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Dementia dialogues 7

Me: Why were you so horrible to me yesterday?

Anthony: Because you wouldn’t take me home to see Mum!

Me: I’m sorry, Ants – it’s just that ….

Anthony: And, by the way, Jules – Mum is not dead!

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Dementia dialogues 17

Me: Ants, is it okay if I write your life story?

Anthony: No.

Me: Why?

Anthony: Because I don’t exist.

[This is an exact rendition of our conversation yesterday.]

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Dementia dialogues 0

Me: I love you so much, Ants.

Anthony: I wonder sometimes.

Me: What do you mean?

Anthony: The way you treat me.

Me: What?

Anthony: Like a bag of old rags sometimes. Look at yourself in the mirror!

Me: I don’t understand, Ants!

Anthony: It’s all right – I forgive you.

Me: Forgive me for what? I am doing my best! Why are you being so horrible to me?

Anthony: I just want to go home and see Mum!

Me: But she’s fine, Ants!

Anthony: This has been boiling up for ages.

Me: I don’t understand.

Anthony: Yes you do, and you only barely put up with me!

The above was an uncharacteristically angry and semi-lucid conversation during which I got my notebook out to record things exactly as they were said.

A marital row, I guess – no big deal. Anthony’s sudden mistrust and cynicism about me yesterday carried itself into today but was less acute. I hope this angry thing won’t last long.

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Dementia dialogues 23

Me: Daaaarling!

Anthony: Jules!

Me: Why do you look so surprised?

Anthony: Well, I was going up the passageway and I saw her. It was extraordinary.

Me: Who did you see?

Anthony: You.

 

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Laughter

One of the best things about my relationship with Anthony is that we are usually on the same page when it comes to humour, AND we are both able to laugh at ourselves. Today, I was feeding him his lunch and this was our conversation.

Me: You like this chocolate mousse stuff don’t you?

Anthony: I didn’t always.

Me: Well you obviously do now – you’re like some sort of lizard with your tongue sticking out for every mouthful.

Anthony: Delicious.

Me: Okay well I have to go to work now (volunteer job) so is there anything you want?

Anthony: Your hair ….

Me: OMG yes, yes, yes, my hair is due for a trim – anything else?

Anthony: It’s a matter of urgency.

Me: Urgency! Are you kidding? My hair? How dare you!

Anthony: But your face is beautiful.

Me: Too late for that kind of rubbish, Ants – you’ve done your dash!

Laughter … the most wonderful, magical thing in the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Interesting!

The other day a couple of friends came into the nursing home and Ming and I happened to be there too.

After the usual greetings, banter and catch-up conversations, I told these lovely visitors about how frightening it was a few weeks ago when Anthony lost consciousness on two occasions.

As I was describing all of this to our visitors, in my usual dramatic way, I suddenly realised that Ants was listening intently.

Me: Sorry, Ants, but it totally freaked me out when you lost consciousness.

Anthony: What rubbish!

Me: Sorry I talked about you in front of you, Ants….

Anthony: It was quite interesting actually.

 

 

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Galah!

Today Anthony was perky, lucid, vocal and even sarcastic!

I had picked a double camellia bloom from our favourite tree but forgot to take a photo (sorry, flower-lovers!)

Well, he loved it but its stem was too short so one of the carers brought a bowl in so we could somehow keep it alive until tomorrow. There were many admiring exclamations from staff and I felt quite the gardener – ha! On this first day of Spring, there will be many more blooms and I will take them in every day because it gives Anthony such delight.

My mother, Meg, visited this afternoon and she, too, admired the double bloom.

Meg: This is a potentially prize-winning flower, Anthony!

Anthony: Yes.

Me: Ants, it’s my tree – remember? I paid a small fortune for that tree!

Anthony: Yes, but I nurtured and loved it.

Meg: I think God created it but did you have a hand in it too?

Anthony (smiling): Yes.

Me: I’m the one with the foresight to buy a rare tree!

Anthony is silent.

Me: Have I upset you, Ants?

Anthony: No, but you are irritating me.

A lot of banter followed this, then my mother went home. I put the food channel on for Ants and, as usual, pretended to go shopping for chocolate or blue cheese, saying I would be back later.

So, after a very panicky few weeks where I thought Anthony was on the brink of death, he has now come back to life it would seem. Surreal! How does this happen? It is beautifully scary but so disconcerting.

The last thing he said to me as I left this afternoon was “You are such a galah, Jules!”

Yep, I agree!

 

 

 

 

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Last rites

Today, my best friend, Tony, an Anglican priest, came all the way down from Perth to pray for Anthony, Ming and me and it was beautiful. Ants was up and in his armchair, and awake, but not aware (I hope!) that it was a last rites situation. Tony read prayers and Ming and I also read bits and pieces from the Anglican prayer book – passages that pertained to our situation. Then Tony annointed Anthony with the holy oil that has been sitting on the kitchen mantle piece for years ever since a nun friend blessed him years ago when he was still living at home. Sister Romanus kept her holy oil in one of those now old-fashioned camera film containers and, after so long, it had turned into a putty consistency.

After the formalities, Tony held Anthony’s hand and said his own personal prayer for all of us. While he was doing this, Ming and I also put our hands on Ants. We were all emotional but not to the point of crying, whereas Ants seemed a bit nonplussed but admitted that he understood more than he let on.This was not in reference to the prayers but to our conversation later about his torana! I am curious to find out tomorrow if he remembers today’s experience.

Ming and I will never forget today and, for me, the peacefulness that Tony instilled has slowed my anxious heartbeat into a normal thrum and my tears are less wretched. I don’t feel panicked any more. Anthony is probably going to scare the hell out of me more and more often with these TIAs but the joy of seeing him awake surpasses that. The fact that he appears to be pain-free is a blessing.

Thank you, Tony, for today.

 

 

 

 

 

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