jmgoyder

wings and things

Aug 22

Whoops!

by jmgoyder

Oh I am such an idiot!

Okay, this is what happened. I stayed with Anthony later than usual this afternoon because his favourite nephew arrived for a visit and I didn’t want to miss out on that. Then, Anthony’s 5pm dinner arrived as the nephew was leaving, so I ended up helping Ants with the soup, mornay and dessert.

Once that was done, I turned the television onto the ABC News channel and put it on mute as I gathered my stuff to leave. Usually I say I am going shopping, or to the chemist and I’ll be back soon but tonight I told the truth.

The only reason I admitted I was going home was because the first thing he said to me when I arrived this afternoon was:

You didn’t come back last night. Where did you go?

Now the trouble with lies is that sometimes you forget them. So I said:

I can’t remember!

Anyway, as I was putting a jumper on him, and getting a blanket for his knees, and putting the two camellias I’d picked into water, and settling myself into a chair next to him, I suddenly remembered. The following is our conversation:

Me: That’s right! I remember now!

Anthony: You always say I’m the forgetful one.

Me: Well I’m getting just as bad. Anyway, I went home to make the pea and ham soup – remember I showed you those massive ham hocks?

Anthony: Where is the soup?

Me: Whoops – I forgot to bring you some. I will tomorrow. Sorry!

Anthony: Well I’ve just come back from U. and I.’s place in Serpentine. [Note: these relatives are deceased, and Serpentine is 160 kms north]

Me: Really? So you must be exhausted!

Anthony: Yes. So I just want you to get some paper animals in the glove box.

Me: Okay – anything else?

Anthony: A couple of paper animals.

Me: Which ones?

Anthony: Well, they should be in the letterbox … but dead.

Me: Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.

Anthony: You might be sitting on them. Get up.

Me [getting up]: Nope – no paper animals.

Anthony: They don’t appear to be there.

Me: You’re hallucinating again, Ants.

Anthony: You always say that.

Me: Can you just shut up so we can watch the series?

Anthony [fussing with the blanket on his knees – a constant thing]: The little chap’s had a good day; he hasn’t moved much.

Me: That’s good. It means he’s happy, Ants!

So the fragments of our afternoon conversation ranged from eloquent to incoherent, nonsensical to logical, silent to noisy etc. and I still haven’t figured out if the ‘little chap’ on Anthony’s knee is baby Ming or a dog!

All in all, it was a great afternoon but, just as I was leaving, Anthony suddenly became agitated.

Anthony: But you can’t leave me here. We need to be in the same bed.

Me: I have to go home to rescue the pea soup and I’ll come back tomorrow morning.

Anthony: Why can’t you stay here with me tonight? I don’t know this place! I’ve only ever stayed here once before and it’s where J. and P. got married.

Me [sternly]: Listen, Ants, you are in a nursing home and you are sleeping here tonight and I am going home but will be back tomorrow morning.

Anthony: No!

At this point one of the wonderful carers, having overheard our conversation from an adjacent room, came into Anthony’s room to reassure him and I gave him a millionth kiss and left.

It’s the first time for ages that I have felt distressed driving home. No tears but just distressed that he was distressed.

So an hour ago I rang the nursing home and the nurse-in-charge told me that he had just been settled into bed but she would go and check again. She is, by far, Anthony’s favourite and, when he was upset and confused earlier he actually asked for her by name, describing her as the nice one in the red shirt. She has even been nicknamed his ‘girlfriend’.

Anyway, I’ve now decided to never ever tell Ants that I am going home – never! I will go back to saying things like:

Just going to the chemist to get toothpaste; what kind of chocolate do you feel like; do you want beer? etc. AND: I won’t be long – see you soon….

No more whoopsies!

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Aug 21

Home is where the humour is!

by jmgoyder

After posting that boring boredom post yesterday, and in thinking about writing more seriously again, I made a couple of simple decisions.

1. Persevere with the idea of writing a book about Parkinson’s Disease (utilising various blogposts over the last few years), with the working title of Anthony’s Smile; and

2. Concentrate on blogging my conversations with Anthony, not just the current ones but the past ones. I have already blogged some of these but I have also made notes over the years so I will have to transcribe these.

The reason I want to write this book (which has almost written itself via my blog) is mostly to demystify the nursing home experience – to make it less frightening for both relatives and prospective residents.

Of course there are other reasons to write this book, i.e. I wish I’d known about the UN-stereotypical symptoms of impending Parkinson’s Disease (inability to blink, blank face, constipation, hallucinations, strange behaviours, weird wordage etc. etc.) before we got Anthony’s diagnosis all those years ago.

So my focus over the next few weeks will be on dialogue – mostly Anthony’s and mine with a bit of Ming thrown in. I think that these dialogues are an important way of recording/remembering all of the words that are so easily forgotten, or dismissed as nonsense.

For example:

Me: Ants, you’re so skinny! (patting his absence of a tummy). Are you doing sit-ups?

Anthony: Yes (looking at me in a sneaky way).

Me: So, when exactly do you do these sit-ups?

Anthony: When they need doing.

He makes me laugh more than he makes me cry, this fantastically funny husband of mine!

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Aug 19

Sleep-chuckling

by jmgoyder

This afternoon I went into town to see Anthony. By the time I’d done bits and pieces of paperwork and housework, I almost didn’t go in after all. I didn’t feel like going in, but then the guilt got to me.

I arrived later in the afternoon than usual after doing a couple of in-town errands. Anthony was asleep in his armchair so I put a blanket on his knees, made sure the heater was on, put the television on mute and sat down next to him.

Usually Ants wakes up when he hears my voice or anybody’s voice but this afternoon he was in slumber mode and, no matter how much noise I made, he didn’t wake up! Nurses came and went, and he even swallowed his 4pm pills semi-asleep, then I had to talk on my phone for ages, then Ming came in after knocking off, then a couple of the nurses came back for a chat, other staff came in to change towels in the bathroom, a cup of tea was brought in ….

…. And throughout these couple of hours I watched (on and off) our latest television series with my left hand inside Anthony’s shirt collar. But he still didn’t wake up!

I wanted to tell him so many things: how the camellias are thriving (I’ve been taking little flowerettes in lately); that Ming has a new friend; that I’ll bring more chocolate tomorrow; that I missed him so much that looking at photos of our years before Parkinson’s sometimes made me cry; and how he was, to me and to Ming, the best example of a good father and husband.

Of course I have poured out these various profundities to Ants before but today he was so unwakeably asleep that I had to pour all of that stupid emotional stuff into the toilet paper in his bathroom.

On resuming my position by Anthony’s side, my hand back inside his collar, I wiped his chin then saw that he was smiling in his sleep. Once again I tried to wake him gently but it wasn’t possible to get much more than a few blinks and then he was asleep again.

Then, all of a sudden, Anthony began to chuckle in his sleep. Of course I have seen this before with him but only occasionally. This time, the chuckling went on and on, for well over an hour! It was amazing and beautiful and I am so glad I was there to witness this.

Tomorrow, I will pick camellias to take in, then I will tease him about his sleep-chuckling haha!

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Aug 16

Happy hours

by jmgoyder

Anthony’s increasing ability to smile again continues to flabbergast me. This afternoon, I arrived at the nursing home and, on entering his room, saw that two of our best friends (a husband, F, and wife, J) were already there. J whispered to me that Anthony’s face always lights up when I come into the room. They are frequent visitors to Anthony, so they often see this but the fact that J said this to me really made my day.

J has a sense of humour that is slicingly clever and she has this ability to get straight to the point with a unique mixture of irony and kindness. When she invited Anthony to the movie she and F were going to see – about euthanasia – Anthony politely declined and I guffawed.

F (an old school friend of Anthony’s) constantly teases him about past girlfriends but this afternoon Anthony managed to eke out a couple of eloquent retorts and the mutual banter was a delight. I poured a couple of small glasses of wine (it’s Sunday!) then F and J left to go and see the euthanasia movie.

It was such a happy hour and I am so grateful for these friends who help to normalise the situation. J told me that when they arrived and asked Anthony where I was he told them I was hanging out the washing! I think this means that perhaps my presence in his room every afternoon (well, mostly) explains my absence in the mornings and nights. It is possible that he thinks I am doing chores, cooking dinner, possibly even gardening!

Now that I am over the whole tragedy-of-husband-going-into-nursing home, and now that Anthony, too, accepts the status quo and often thinks we are at home anyway, our afternoons are happy.

I usually sit on the side of Anthony’s armchair and we watch another episode of whatever television series I’ve acquired; he often sleeps the afternoon away; I sometimes socialise with the staff and other residents; cups of tea + cake are delivered; his pills are dispersed by his favourite nurse, D, who Ants calls his girlfriend.

When I was unwell last week my wonderful mother substituted for me and sat next to Anthony in his room, knitting, until he suddenly said “Are you going yet?” Hilarious.

And Dina, my decluttering friend, visited Ants on a day when she and I were supposed to be having brunch (but I was still bilious). What an incredibly kind person to do this for me!

The funniest of these many happy hours, though, are Ming’s visits to Anthony. Big, loud and assertive, he goes into Anthony’s room and, if Ants is asleep in his chair, Ming doesn’t wake him. But if Anthony is awake, Ming will lie on the bed and they will have a chat. It’s probably quite alarming for staff to come into Anthony’s room and see this great big hairy-legged boy-man-creature lying on Anthony’s bed with no care whatsoever about protocol or the cleanliness of linen.

Sometimes, when Ming’s and my visits to Anthony coincide, there is friction between Ming and me. I’m not quite sure why this is but he seems to relate better to Ants when I’m not there. And vice versa. Nevertheless, Anthony’s pride in Ming is overwhelmingly evident and he often ‘sees’ Ming in the corner of the room (hallucinations).

I’ve begun to appreciate every single hour, especially the happy ones. These hours more than make up for the desolate ones.

[Note to blogger friends: I am a bit preoccupied with above so haven’t been reading – sorry]

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Jul 31

Goodbye to a special person

by jmgoyder

This post is to say goodbye and thank you to A, a wonderful carer at the nursing home. His last day is Sunday and I am trying to think of a gift to give him. He had such a wonderful rapport with residents, including Anthony of course who he called ‘Tones’. I/we will miss him so much.

It is so hard when people, who Anthony and I have gotten to know so well, disappear, move away, get different jobs, go to greener pastures etc.

A was a particularly special person with a fantastic sense of humour and he shocked me once by saying I was the exact same age as his mother!

When I was working in the dementia cottage, A would come to do the medications and several of the women would be enthralled by his presence.

Anyway, A, I wish you and yours a huge amount of luck and love and thank you, from the bottom to top of my heart, for your kindness to Anthony and me.

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Jul 29

‘Thunking’

by jmgoyder

IMG_4655Thinking versus thunking (I like thunking!)

3.10am: There is something quite exciting about hopping out of bed at 3am, wide awake, dashing to my writing room and switching on the computer and, aha, engaging with various friends. It seems somehow illicit to be up and about, drinking coffee while the sky is still black night, listening to absolute silence, reading thousands of words, smiling at photos on my screen ….

4.03am: Me chuckling that it is now just after 4am and nobody is going to tell me to go to bed.

4.38am: Ming’s favourite phrase is “Do what you want to do!” This type of 21-year-old wisdom sustains and motivates me whenever I am stuck. I feel grateful for this wonderful son of ours who, having recovered from two spinal surgeries, his father’s transition from home to nursing home, the car accident that injured so many and was his fault ….

For all of the above reasons I prefer to thunk rather than think because too much thinking can do your head in whereas thunking allows you to step aside. It might be just a tiny step (an ‘i’ to a ‘u’) but it makes a hell of a difference!

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Jul 24

Predicting unpredictability

by jmgoyder

I think one of the most difficult things for carers/families/friends of people with Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s disease, or any disease that involves dementia, is the unpredictability of every single day.

Two days ago I sat with Anthony all afternoon and he slumbered the whole time away even when I punched him in the shoulder a couple of times to make sure he was alive. Instead of waking up, he just kept chuckling in his sleep – over and over again! So I just sat there next to him with my arm around his shoulder and watched TV and ate my lunch. A few hours later I informed the nurse-in-charge that he was a bit sleepy and that I was a bit worried he might have had another TIA (mini-stroke).

Me: I’m going to leave my scarf on the chair next to his, so he gets the impression I will be back soon. Is this okay with you?

Nurse-in-charge: Of course!

Later that evening, I rang the nursing home to see if Ants had woken up and the nurse-in-charge reassured me he was fine and that she’d showed him my scarf (an indicator that I would be back).

Me: You are okay with me not coming back?

Nurse-in-charge: Of course!

Okay so I have blogged about this before – this kind deception thing whereby I leave Ants to come home but always say I will be back soon. The reason I do this is because it is kinder than saying I am coming home without him.

This tactic has worked for many months. I turn up the next day at the nursing home and Ants doesn’t seem to recollect that I didn’t return the previous evening.

But today was different! I did my usual:

Me: Just going to get some groceries, Ants – I’ll be back later.

He looked at me with an expression of such lucidity that I was taken aback.

Anthony: You didn’t come back last night, Jules.

This is so weird! Today he remembers yesterday’s promise of tomorrow, but has forgotten so many of yesterday’s tomorrows that every single today is confusing even for me!

Bottom line in this kind of situation is to simply go with the flow I guess?

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Jul 22

Nursing home friendships

by jmgoyder

One of the most beautiful things about being with Anthony in the afternoons – in his nursing home room – is the easy friendships with various staff.

These various staff have various roles, of course: domestic duties, carer duties, medication duties, managerial duties, catering/cooking duties, OT duties, volunteer duties, supervisory/teaching duties, orientation duties, and many, many more. When any staff member (regardless of role) drops in – I always either ‘pause’ or ‘mute’ the TV. This creates a little bit of silence, just enough to enable an interaction that will make Anthony smile. This is because he was always gregarious, and loud, and the life of the party, and nobody will ever know this unless I tell them. Many of the staff now understand how a bit of banter with Anthony can rekindle a semblance of the BIG personality out of the tinyness of who he is now (quiet and thin). They haven’t just discovered this via me, they have also discovered it via him.

There are certain staff that can, in a few seconds, rustle him out his silence, conjure the smile, make him feel valued, but of course they are always rushed, doing their own jobs and not wanting to appear to be wasting time. Recently, due to the rush of work, two of the carers opted to come and visit Anthony on their days off so they could spend more time with him – I was astounded by their generosity, and so grateful!

But, even during work hours, those quick visits are invaluable and, whenever I am there too, staff will often drop in and have a chat with us. I think this is wonderful! Whenever any of the staff drop in to simply say hello to Anthony and me – to chat, gossip, joke, hug – I can come home with the knowledge that he is well cared for and, more importantly in a way, cared about.

Here’s an idea: what if every single staff member were allocated half an hour per day to spend a bit more time with a resident? This could be used in five-minute increments so that staff could linger a bit in various residents’ rooms just for a chat, instead of having to rush off to their various duties. One of the chefs at the nursing home dropped in to Anthony’s room the other day to admire the artificial roses that she thought were real.

Me: Haven’t you noticed these before?
Chef: Yes, but I never have time! They look so real!

We had a hurried conversation and she zipped off back to the kitchen. I wanted to give her a massive hug but I restrained myself as I seem to have become overly-huggy lately. A bit later in the afternoon:

Anthony: Your roses are a hit.
Me: Yes! Anthony: But I planted them. Give that lady a cutting. Me: Yes.

I wish that I could name the various staff who have become friends of ours, those people who, in the line of duty, don’t mind detouring in order to offer kindness and friendship. But I respect their privacy so all I can do here is to say thank you to them, every single one of them, because they will know who they are.

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Jul 14

Weird and wonderful

by jmgoyder

Anthony had visitors today when I arrived – his oldest friend, F, who often drops in with his wife, J. But today it was F with his eldest daughter, T.

He/we have had a lot of visitors lately and most people say, when I go outside to see them off and thank them, that Ants looks better.

The weird and wonderful thing about this is that he actually has started to look ‘better’, feel better, respond better, smile more readily, quip sarcastically, banter with me and with visitors.

I find this both fantastic but also bewilderingly fascinating because Parkinson’s disease doesn’t go backwards; that’s impossible? And yet, like the couple of nephews who visited on the weekend said, “He seems to be improving!”

Of course, in physiological terms, Anthony is not improving (i.e. although occasionally still able to walk with the use of a walker and the help of two carers, he is mostly immobile). But his cognitive wit, his innate positivity, and his unique grin, all seem to be returning.

My determination to spend most of every day with Ants, usually sitting on the arm of his armchair so I can put my arm around his shoulders, has certainly improved his mood. Not that he is ever in a bad mood anyway; he is one of the most even-tempered people I have ever known, but I now wonder if the regularity of my visits and the habitual things I do/say on arrival are making him happier. Another factor is that my own mother visits Anthony when and if I can’t get there and that, too, is a regular occurrence.

Currently, this is the pattern of our exchanges:

Me (entering his room at 11amish): DARLING!

Anthony (slow smile): It’s you.

Me: Move over so I can sit next to you – hurry up!

Anthony: You need to brush your hair (he always says this!)

Me: You always say that – shut up! Maybe I should get the haircut you’ve just had?

Anthony: The hairdresser kidnapped me.

Me: Well it looks good, Ants – very distinguished! Okay so let’s put our show on before lunch arrives.

Anthony: Don’t you have to go to work?

Me: Not today.

Anthony: So how much money is in the bank? (He always says this too).

Me: Stop worrying about money – there’s plenty – tens of thousands, and that’s all thanks to you!

Anthony: I love you so much, Jules.

I am beginning to think that this daily banter, the habit of watching a show, eating lunch together, regular visits from my ma and other relatives and friends, might be the reason this amazing husband of mine seems to be improving!

Anyway, I suppose I should stop wondering about all of the whys of this weird and wonderful experience and just be grateful.

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Jul 13

“I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you….”

by jmgoyder

There are many lines in this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DC8FsIdVi9Y that echo one of my many recurring dreams about Anthony and me.

When I last posted, I described a dream where Ants had miraculously recovered; now that is definitely a beautiful dream.

A less beautiful, recurring dream is the one about death. In this dream, Anthony is dead and my dream-self is grief-stricken. But then my real-self wakes up from the dream and realises that he is alive after all. Many of the lyrics of the this song really got to me and are as follows:

I found myself dreaming…
Split second and you disappeared…
Wake up in tears with you by my side…
Breath of relief when I realised…
Whenever we’re standing…
No, we’re not promised tomorrow

Ming of course is not at all keen on either listening to, or reading, the lyrics of this song and, now that he has become musically superior to me, he likes to throw me his opinions:

It’s soooo repetitive, Mum!
It’s so cliched – oh, Mum, you can’t possibly like this song!
NO I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR ROMANCE!
Yes, let’s have a chat about love … I like this girl who….
NO I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR HEARTBREAK!
I’m off to my shed now, Mum. Love you!

I think I might just listen to the song one more time before I go to bed because I don’t care what the Ming says, this has become my song for Anthony.

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