When I arrived home this afternoon, from my 3-day holiday at a resort, something went a bit skewy in my mind.
Despite a wonderful reunion with Ming and Gutsy9, there was a thudding crash of disappointment because Anthony doesn’t live here anymore.
It isn’t home without him.
It is the beginning of my third and last evening at the resort and I have only just stopped ‘hearing’ Gutsy9’s little chirp in my imagination!
Home tomorrow.
Yesterday afternoon, around 12 of our friends and relatives arrived here at 5pmish to see Anthony. I had ordered the wheelchair taxi to pick him up at 4.30 from the nursing lodge so, by 5.30, I was wondering why he hadn’t arrived.
Long story short (after I made numerous phone-calls) it turned out that the taxi had arrived early and didn’t wait so, by the time a nurse had Ants outside in a wheelchair, it was too late.
When I got to speak to Ants on the phone (6pm), there was a bit of a party happening here but with the star missing. The disappointment in his voice was devastating for me because I had organized it all for him and the stupid mis-timing of the taxi wrecked it.
I was supposed to leave for my little holiday this morning, but have decided to go this evening instead because I must see Ants first.
I have had a few yeeha! experiences lately.
Yeeha 1: Some of my university friends came over the other night with beer, pizza, hugs and laughter. One had her gorgeous fiance with her, plus another friend, then another of my beautiful friends and her daughter arrived, then Ming’s two best friends. It was a fantastic evening, full of wine-induced wisdom, frivolous guffaws, and crowded conversation. Best fun I’ve had for ages! It reminded me of the hundreds of similarly hilarious evenings here when Anthony was well and the life-of-the-party host. He would never sit down.
Yeeha 2: This afternoon I’ve arranged for the wheelchair taxi to pick Ants up from the nursing lodge and bring him home for a few hours. I’ve also invited his nephew’s family and his best mate’s family – a little party!
Yeeha 3: Tomorrow I go away for the 3-night resort holiday Ming has paid for and I cannot wait – am so excited. The only stipulation is that I de-clutter my office first. Wish me luck!
When I first began blogging, I had no idea that I would begin to care about people who I may never meet face to face.
As a newbie to the world of birds, I was drawn to blogs about birds, then drawn to blogs about photography.
As a carer for a husband with Parkinson’s Disease, I was drawn to blogs about PD, nursing homes, other people’s experiences of other illnesses.
As the mother of a teenage son, I was drawn to blogs about parenting, children and Erma Bombecky humour.
As a writer, I was drawn to blogs written by an array of different people – all ages, all styles, all genres, all fantastic.
As a woman battling grief, I was drawn to blogs about grief and blogs about inspiration – a good mix.
Tonight, I am drawn into the blog of a woman who has become my friend. Her daughter died today after a gruelling battle with disease.
I care about you.
Just outside our back veranda there are two ancient fig trees – over 100 years old. Apparently fig trees symbolize abundance so that’s good! A lot of our friends and neighbours come and pick them to make jam so, at this time of year, I usually ring all of the figlovers I know because the trees are only prolific for around a month.
Gutsy 9 (baby peacock who is now 6 weeks old) has become disenchanted with my shoulder because he is too big to get comfortable. He prefers to sit on the floor next to my feet now, almost like a dog! I have to admit that I, too, prefer this arrangement because I am a little tired of him throwing his wings in my face and biting my ear when he loses his grip on my shoulder. And when he can’t get his little mohawk head tucked into my neck (his favourite way to nap), he squawks! Luckily he is now getting used to the outside so, as soon as he is big enough to fly into the trees at night, I will stop babying him.
Anthony continues to ask if he can come home for the night and I continue to break my heart explaining that he is too heavy for me to lift. Ming and I went into the nursing lodge so Ming could take Ants for a ride in the new ute but Ants wasn’t well enough. We will try again tomorrow.
Ming has had his hair cut! He has had mixed reactions to this weight off his shoulders – ha!
I have always had a bit of a problem with “happiness guilt”. As a child, I had a keen awareness that while I had a loving family, enough food, and a house to live in, other children in other places didn’t. So I developed a kind of resistance to happiness because it made me feel so guilty when I knew other people – particularly children – might be unhappy.
When I posted about Ming’s new ute, I didn’t mention the episode of happiness guilt he experienced for nearly an hour after Anthony and I shocked him with his birthday present.
I took Ants back into the lodge for lunch and wondered why Ming was taking so long to come in and join us. Finally I went outside to find Ming in a severe state of happiness guilt.
Ming: But I don’t deserve it – I can’t believe this!
Me: It was Dad’s idea and I made it happen.
Ming: But how? We don’t have any money! I’m so worried!
Me: Dad had some savings – Ming, please stop worrying, it’s okay. This is giving Ants so much joy – it’s sort of vicarious.
Ming: But it’s 4WD!
Me: Dad’s idea.
Ming: And turbo! And diesel! With a steel tray! And it’s automatic!
Me: Dad wanted to get you the best.
Ming: No, I don’t deserve it!
Me: You do! Now get over it and come in and say all this to Ants!
In the end I had to get a couple of nurses to go out and convince Ming to be happy and not guilty! He finally came in, hugged and thanked Ants and things lightened up but it was only when Ming (still on L-plates) was driving us home that the happiness finally got the better of the guilt.
Phew!
jmgoyder 