jmgoyder

wings and things

What did I say that for?

pea 429

This morning I wrote a post about coincidences in which I said, I was 19 when my father died. Ming is 19 now and his father is dying.

I don’t know why I said something so morbid when I wasn’t feeling morbid. I was feeling a curious mixture of fatalism and resignatiom, I guess, but not morbid.

Now, however, I do feel morbid because of my own stupid sentences and I wish I had said, I was 19 when my father died. Ming is 19 now and his father is alive.

Some people philosophize that you begin to die as soon as you are conceived which is, of course, true, but not a particularly pleasant way of thinking about life.

When Anthony was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer and given 1-3 years to live (several years ago!) we were utterly devastated. I remember tearfully telling a friend and he said, Well, we are all dying aren’t we and another friend said, well, he’s had a good life. Neither of these comments were helpful, but they were true.

Anthony has outlived his prostate cancer prognosis only to fall into the arms of Parkinson’s disease. But I no longer think of this as cruel and tragic and neither does Anthony. In fact I have never seen the tiniest sign of self-pity from him in all these many years of illness.

Yes, Anthony is dying, but he is also living. And that’s a coincidence.

Oh yes and all the geese are alive and well, especially Godfrey!

45 Comments »

Ageism 2

pea 184

I feel compelled to write a follow-up to yesterday’s post due to the interesting comments that were made. There was even a little debate on my blog which has never happened before!

The ageism that Ming has admitted to is not directed at just Anthony; it is more generalized. He is easily annoyed with all things old – not just people. For example we live in a very old house where things are beginning to break down and wear out – old carpets, broken furniture, warped flyscreens, holes through which mice enter, old plumbing, electrical wiring etc. Similarly, we have problems outside with old lawnmowers, trees, sheds, hoses, water tanks etc.

This is all perfectly normal for an old farm and none of it is insurmountable, but getting things fixed is expensive and time-consuming and, for young Ming, a source of constant frustration.

Add to this old Anthony’s deterioration in health and we have a young Ming with an aversion to both the concept and reality of the word öld”.

If I were to define compassion, I would say it is equal parts sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is feeling sad FOR somebody else, whereas empathy is feeling sad LIKE somebody else. In general, the latter does not come easily to young people when dealing with old people.

I think that if Ming weren’t compassionate, he would not be worried about his lack of empathy for Anthony. He wants to be empathetic but he can’t feel it and I can’t make him feel it, so we accept it. His love for Anthony runs deep, but his liking of Anthony is problematic because Ants is now so old, frail and incapacitated that Ming avoids seeing him. Strangely, I am the one most hurt by this as Ants is more philosophical and remembers feeling the same aversion to his own father after his father had a stroke.

Yesterday’s post was not intended as a moan or a cry for help; I was just telling it like it is, warts and all!

When people ask Ming, “So, what are you doing these days?” Ming always replies proudly, Ï’m following in Dad’s footsteps.” I used to think Ming was referring to the fact that he is milking cows but now I think his statement means much more.

Oh yeah, and a bad day doesn’t mean a bad life. We are lucky.

61 Comments »

My first commenter

pea 819OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

The first person to comment on my blog (apart from my mother) was Lynda whose blog, Life in the Farmlet (http://pixilatedtoo.wordpress.com/), has entranced me from the start of my blog journey. She likes geese and so do I and that is how our friendship began.

One of the things I have discovered in following Lynda’s blog is that she is a woman of many talents. For example, she is really crafty (in the literal sense) i.e. her sewing abilities far surpass my own inability to sew a button back on a shirt. She is an artist.

Well, guess what? Lynda has sent me a gift! Here is the post in which she describes it:

http://pixilatedtoo.wordpress.com/just-something-i-made/

This apron is so exquisite, I don’t think I can possibly wear it – I want to frame it! I love it!

Lynda, you absolutely shine. Thank you from the bottom and top of my heart!

64 Comments »

To blog or not to blog….

Blogging presents many of us with private-versus-public predicaments. Some bloggers remain anonymous, some don’t.

Over the last few weeks, I have become more aware of how blogging can be quite risky because, whether you are anonymous or not, if you write something from your heart and someone doesn’t agree, it’s free for all.

Often family or friends may try to admonish you, shut you up, give you advice, even make fun of you. These kinds of responses usually come from people who either don’t understand blogging, or just don’t understand you.

Today I was upset to find that one of my blog friends is feeling compelled to shut her blog down due to family pressure. Her blog’s raw honesty has helped so many of us to understand what grief looks like and I, for one, am not afraid of grief any more.

Self-censorship is every writer’s/blogger’s burden but censorship from others is an affront. If someone tells you to shut up, yell louder!

Mmmm … to blog or not to blog.

95 Comments »

Dementia is confusing

Anthony’s encroaching dementia confuses both of us and sometimes I am more confused than he is. That’s why I am so glad we have such an honest way of talking with each other.

When Ants was home yesterday, and I mentioned that he had dementia and he winked at me, I was surprised for two reasons. Firstly, his Parkinsons disease prevents him from blinking, let alone winking, so that wink was weirdly wonderful. Secondly, when he and I talked about the dementia of his PD, and I laughed about the taxi mishap, Ants was fine – not distressed and quite okay with the fact that he has dementia now.

I’m confused.

47 Comments »

The shortlist

I have discovered something wonderful and I’m sure Oprah will be contacting me soon to make me rich and famous.

Okay, we are all familiar with the list thing – shopping lists, chore lists, goal lists etc. But you know what the trouble is with these lists? They are too long!

My extensive research, case studies and social experimentation over the last three days have produced extraordinary findings! Yes, indeed, I have found the cure for lethargy!

The two candidates for this study were a teenage son and his mother who were becoming more and more depressed and, yes, lethargic, due to the grief they were experiencing when the husband/father figure went into a nursing home.

Neither the wife or son had been able to adjust happily to the new home dynamic despite having a close relationship. This was compounded by the son having to have major surgery and the mother losing her job.

Even a year after the husband’s admission to the nursing home, the son’s surgery and the mother’s loss of employment, all three were still struggling to accept the new status quo. All three were grieving in different ways and this resulted in numerous arguments with emotions running high, particularly between the mother and son. Both became exhausted and fell into a state of lethargy.

Then, three days ago, a plan was devised. Each day, the mother and son would write down a 3-point shortlist for the following day. This was done in a special notebook, almost like a contract. There would be one task that required both (we called that ‘mutual’), one task for the son, and one task for the mother.

The beauty of the shortlist is that it is ‘doeable'(is that a word?)

Okay, tongue out of cheek now – this is working, so watch this space!

69 Comments »

Oh the joy of cycling!

pea 2437

Now don’t get too excited. I haven’t jumped onto the bike yet but I am dressed in my bike riding clothes (an old tracksuit I found which seems strangely snug but it will do.)

Okay, so the plan was to get up at 4.30am and follow Ming to the dairy (around 3kms away) but two things prevented this. Firstly, I didn’t wake up and, secondly, even if I had woken up, it was too dark.

I forgave myself and decided to ride around the block (around 7kms) later in the morning but Ming reminded me that I still didn’t have a helmet. And then I got a terrible attack of hayfever and I didn’t want to contaminate my new bike with nose drippings.

So now that it’s nearly noon, I will probably leave the ride until later when the wind dies down (yes, we are experiencing those awful easterlies that make cycling so difficult.)

In the meantime, here is a picture of Gutsy9 first thing in the morning, just before I get him out of his cot/cage and take him outside to play.

Tomorrow, I will go into town and buy a helmet and a basket to put Gutsy9 in on the bike. This afternoon I will do a few laps of the driveway again. I promise!

53 Comments »

Bicycling beginnings!

I have now figured out the gears and settings of my new bicycle and tomorrow will be Day 1. I’m going to record my progress on the blog (nothing like blogging to keep a person honest!) for 5 days.

33 Comments »

The difference between what matters and what doesn’t matter

WHAT DOES MATTER

– Ming began harp lessons.
– Anthony said on the phone this afternoon that he’d been kidnapped, but I calmed him down.
– Some lovely friends came to pick the dying figs.
– Gutsy9 (baby peacock) is thriving despite his wonky leg.
– We found a clock man who has now fixed three of Anthony’s clocks, so the house is chiming again.
– I finished delivering details to our accountant for our tax return from last year.
– I am going to purchase an ipad tomorrow so I can access the internet in Anthony’s room and show him stuff.
– Ming and I are getting on top of the housework/yardwork etc.
– I only cried a little bit today, instead of a lot.
– The blog community is amazing.
– Ming has stopped being so bossy!
– Lots of other good things.

WHAT DOESN’T MATTER

– It doesn’t matter!

64 Comments »

Negative comments

In over a year, and hundreds of posts, I have been fortunate not to have received any negative comments on the blog. Until today.

The negative comment was uttered in response to my post about ‘doing the right thing’ yesterday.

It was personal, exclamatory and gave me a bit of a shock because I am so fond of this person.

Strangely, I welcomed the comment (better to get a negative comment from a friend rather than a stranger I guess), and, instead of deleting it, I decided to respond and make both comments public.

This has made me very curious about how other bloggers respond to negative comments. Do tell!

105 Comments »