jmgoyder

wings and things

It will soon be Spring!

In Spring (only three days away), our Internet will work for longer than 30 minute bursts, I will resume blogging in an organised fashion, it will stop raining, Ming’s spinal problems will begin to resolve, I will get back on my bicycle, bring Anthony home more often, eradicate (humanely) the rabbit plague on this farm, learn to play the harp, continue baking sticky date pudding, grow tomatoes, sit in the sun, be a better friend to my buddies, reconcile with my in-laws (maybe), embrace the birth of my first great niece, get our finances in order, buy some laying hens to replace the ones the fox got, learn how to use the whipper snipper, prune the ancient roses, resume writing the novella, take faultless photos of the birds, dress to kill, hug anyone who is huggable, and use strawberry moisturiser.

Until then, since our telephone wiring is so dodgy, I’ve had the landline disconnected, and am mostly reliant on my Ipad for Internet. I’m not fast with this IPad yet, so have decided not to even try to keep up with blogs, Facebook etc. We are trialling a new modem thingy.

Tomorrow we see the spinal surgeon again to see what can be done to fix Ming’s injury to the titanium. Anthony wanted to come with us, so today I had to explain why this would be impossible with a 5 hour round trip. He doesn’t accept how difficult he is to lift.

To end this higgledy post, I’ve had my first harp lesson! See you in Spring.

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Sinking into self-pity

Sometimes I think that self-pity is necessary, maybe even vital, before taking the next adventurous step into a new page, whatever that page is.

When I told Anthony that Ming had damaged his back, AB’s eyes filled with tears, and that’s pretty much how I have been feeling too for the last week since finding out that our beautiful, heroic son has a titanium fracture (post scoliosis surgery 19 months ago.)

Ming, being the youngest of our father-mother-kid trio, is slightly more upbeat – emphasis on ‘slightly’. The worst thing for him is that he will have to quit his job, milking cows for our fantastic neighbours, a job that he loved.

So, I am going to indulge in some self-pity until tomorrow.

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The big red shed

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Blog-cleaning

During yet another short blog break, I’m in cleanup/tidying mode so have tried to catch up with comments, and have visited other people’s blogs unhurriedly and with pleasure.

But I’m a little bothered by a couple of things:

1. I vividly remember re-blogging somebody’s post when I first started. At the time, I didn’t understand what re-blogging was and, as soon as I realized, I deleted it. It was about mothers and daughters. I apologize to that blogger for my ignorance.

2. During May this year, I took a blog break by unsubscribing from the nearly 200 blogs I’d subscribed to. Why the hell did I do that? Now I am still re-finding people. If I haven’t yet re-found you, please let me know!

One beautiful realization is that it isn’t necessarily necessary to engage with every single blog post (especially if the blogger is prolific!) There is no obligatory rule about this and silence is okay – such a relief!

I think, when I resume ‘proper’ blogging, on 1st September, I might do it on a weekly basis, rather than daily. Just until my heart catches up with my voice. So much is happening, and so much is not happening – argh!

Thanks.

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Update on Ming’s scoliosis

For those who don’t know, our son, Ming, had surgery 18 months ago to correct a severe (75% curve) scoliosis. This morning we had what was supposed to be the last post-op. appointment with his surgeon. The X-ray showed a fracture to the titanium rod, just below his shoulder blades. Ming wasn’t as shocked as I was because a couple of months ago he lifted some really heavy junk in one of our sheds (he’s not supposed to lift anything over 20 kilos), and rushed into the house in pain, terrified he had damaged something. We rang the surgeon who was reassuring on the phone, but Ming still needed a week off from farm work and he was in a lot of pain and panic with his spine clicking and clacking strangely.

At the time, partly because the surgeon didn’t feel it necessary to fast-track today’s appointment, I just kept reassuring Ming that he would be fine and I remember saying things like, “You can’t break titanium, Ming; I’m sure you’ve just pulled a muscle” etc. Well, I was wrong, obviously, and the surgeon now wants to see him again in 4 months, with a slight possibility of further surgery to fix the fracture. The fact that Ming is no longer in pain is a good sign, but the fracture has pulled the curve (which had been reduced to 28%) back to 35%, and Ming is upset with himself for being stupid, and upset with me for being so overly, and naively, reassuring.

But the good thing is that Ming is okay with things and is staying with one of his best friends tonight, where he will have fun and hopefully forget today’s news for a little while. And tomorrow he and I will undoubtedly discuss the situation and look at the bloody bright side and carry on. Tonight I will let myself shed a few anxious tears in order not to do so in front of Ming.

The picture is before surgery. He is much straighter now, and taller!

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Blog focus change

I’ve decided to post my tidbits in daily diary fashion – just for awhile – as an experimental experiment This is because, for the last few months, I have lost focus, have entertained too much bewilderment, have been too sad etc. As a result, I kept forgetting each day’s beautiful details. From now on, I will remind myself via the conduit of this blog.

For example: Last week, Ming transitioned from an L-plater to a P-plater which means he can now drive by himself. The joy of his independence has been resonating in all sorts of different ways. Ming drove into town today and the first thing on his list was to visit Anthony in the nursing lodge.

When he got home, he said “Wow Mum it was so much better visiting Dad without you and your stress!”

I understand.

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Why am I so wordless?

I have tried a several times now, over the last few weeks, to write the words that seem to seep with a strange, crimson elation into my heart, but I can’t adequately describe this. Hence the clumsy metaphor, allusion, my tears.

Anthony and I have finally made a stumbling leap into accepting that he is in the nursing lodge forever and I am home without him forever. This acceptance has brought more joy than I ever thought possible.

No words….

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Nosey!

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It’s all very odd to me, and possibly illusory, but for the last few days our visits to Anthony, little drives here and there and, today, Ming’s famous NOSEY with Anthony, have reproduced a longlost joy.

Sorry – that sentence was far too long. Oh, and what is a NOSEY? It’s when you ‘kiss’ someone with your nose. We three have now been doing this for nearly 20 years. It’s quite pleasant.

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You’re the only one left

Anthony and I exchange I love you as if we are some sort of romantically tragic play that never reaches its denoument.

But the other night on the phone the script shifted, rustling the worn paragraphs of our repetitive goodnight conversation.

Me: I love you.
Anthony: You’re the only one left.

That shocked me a bit, but he didn’t say it self-pityingly at all; he said it with certainty, like a simple fact.

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Subtle and sudden shifts

Anthony’s recent shift from despondency to humour has been gradual, subtle, under-stated, whereas my inexplicable shift from sad to happy has been sudden and boisterous.

I know that part of these shifts are to do with our mutual acceptance of the reality of our situation but, if so, why didn’t we accept this months ago?

Oh who cares why – we are happy again!

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