jmgoyder

wings and things

Nov 18

Facebook friendships

by jmgoyder

Over the last few months I have become Facebook friends with many of the staff at the nursing home where Anthony lives. Some of the staff have ‘friended’ me and I, too, have actively ‘friended’ others. This means that my blog (which automatically connects to my Facebook) is accessible to the very people who look after Anthony.

This is a little bit scary because I feel like I’ve made myself vulnerable. On the other hand, it is the most wonderful thing to be able to connect with these fantastic carers outside the context of the nursing home. The Facebook connection is virtual, yes, but also very real because I see many of these beautiful people every week and sometimes every day!

I didn’t deliberately plan these Facebook connections; it just kind of evolved and now I feel enthused to connect with as many staff at the nursing home as I can. I want to thank them personally; I want to acknowledge their amazingness; I want to know about their lives, their woes and joys.

I want to hug them back. So, to the staff at Anthony’s nursing home (yes, he thinks he owns it), many many many thanks! I think we can use Facebook to communicate.

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Nov 17

Photographs with Anthony

by jmgoyder

Yesterday, two of Anthony’s nieces visited us at the nursing home.

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It’s only lately that I have realised how important it is to take photos of Anthony with the various friends and relatives who visit. I’m astounded that I haven’t taken more photos of Ants with Ming, with my mother (who often visits him on my behalf), the regular visitors, occasional visitors, the wonderful carers!

My reluctance to take photos is partly to do with people’s privacy; partly to do with savouring the moments rather than trying to capture them on camera; but mostly because I don’t want to post photos of Anthony that are unflattering. After all, he was always rather vain about his appearance. When I showed him the photo I posted a couple of days ago (of him and me), he remarked, “Who is the old idiot?”

If it weren’t for the nieces yesterday, I would never have realised how important these photographs are. I will now coerce the staff to take heaps and heaps of photos of us! My camera is on charge.

Today, I stayed home for a break, and my amazing mother visited Ants and rang me from his room.

Meg: Here he is, darling.
Me: Ants?
Anthony: Hi Jules.
Me: What do you want for tea?
Anthony: Some hot, hot …
Me: Pies?
Anthony: Not ….
Me: What about crayfish or prawns?
Anthony: Save for tomorrow.
Meg: He is fine, darling. Are you?
Me: Yes and thank you, Mama!

Of course the above is a compressed version of a dialogue filled with pauses, and impossible to capture via photography.

But I have decided to ask the various staff members who have become my friends to take photos of Anthony and me.

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Nov 15

Anthony’s sense of humour

by jmgoyder

Yesterday my first-born nephew (I have six nephews on my side of the family), and his beautiful fiancé, visited us in the nursing home. Jared has always had a soft spot for Anthony and vice versa. I didn’t tell Ants they were coming because I wanted it to be a surprise. It’s awhile since they’ve seen each other because Jared lives several hundred kilometres away, and Ants hadn’t met Carly yet. I was very excited, and a little bit nervous, about the visit.

When the young couple entered the room, I was in the middle of feeding Ants his tea; I jumped up and said, “Ants, Ants, it’s Jared; Jared’s here!”

Without the slightest hesitation, Anthony looked up at Jared and mumbled, “Well, I didn’t think it was Jesus Christ.” We all cracked up laughing, as I introduced Ants to Carly.

Anthony’s sense of humour, sometimes expressed in sentences that come out of a void of silence, always flabbergasts me. It can be a bit of a struggle for me to get Ants to talk, to smile, to even look at me. And yet, with a single remark he can have me laughing my head off!

Thanks, Jared and Carly; you two will now become a topic of conversation in the future. I will remind Anthony of his funny remark about Jared not being Jesus Christ, and, in my more contemplative moments, I will, perhaps, wonder if he was.

Anyway, back to Anthony’s sense of humour: I lightly kicked his shin as we were leaving and he said, with mock ferocity, “There’s no need for that!”

[Note to blogger friends: After my modem died and was replaced, my computer then died but has now been replaced, so I am very behind with reading other blogs and Fbook posts. In other words, I have fallen in love with the word ‘delete’ because there is too much to catch up on!]

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Nov 12

A very special afternoon

by jmgoyder

Yesterday, Anthony’s best friend of over 50 years, Baz, and his beautiful wife, Julie, visited us at the nursing home. It had been awhile since the ‘boys’ had seen each other because I can no longer physically manage outings with Anthony due to his decreased mobility. But Ants has been mentioning Baz lately so I thought I’d just invite this lovely couple as a surprise for Ants.

I got to the nursing home at noon and helped Ants with his lunch. He was a bit blah and not very responsive but, bingo, when Baz and Julie entered the room, his face lit up!

Julie was the one who took yesterday’s photo of Ants and me. She also took this one which I am going to show Anthony today.

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Isn’t it a beauty! And here is the beautiful photographer herself.

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She and I caught up as Ants and Baz reminisced. At one point, completely out of context in terms of what Baz was saying, Ants looked at him and said, “I love you and you love me.”

Thank you, Baz and Julie!

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Nov 11

Today

by jmgoyder

I’ll write more about today tomorrow but, in the meantime, I am savouring today.

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Today.

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Nov 7

“The Gift of Alzheimer’s”

by jmgoyder

This is the title of a book I am reading, written by Maggie La Tourelle. Maggie tells the story of the journey she and her mother share in which her mother’s Alzheimer’s actually enhances their relationship.

What I really like about this book is the way it de-tragifies dementia; gives fantastic examples of dialogues between kin; and even explores the spiritual possibilities beyond death.

Maggie’s conversations with her mother remind me so much of my conversations with Anthony that it has made me quite emotional (especially at 3am!) Their story is unlike ours in many ways but there are some fascinating parallels.

http://maggielatourelle.com

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Nov 6

3am

by jmgoyder

Sometimes I get up in the early hours, usually around 3am, and I watch some television, or reminisce myself back into sleep mode.

It is impossible to express how much I miss Anthony being here, in this house, on this/his farm; ‘longing’ is the best way I can describe it.

Often, my heart is tugged awake by this longing and sometimes I feel absolutely desperate to see him.

But sometimes I just don’t bother; I press my face into the pillows and try to avoid the day; I swallow the guilt with a glass of milk; I tell myself that he is in good hands; I sob.

Longing is a weird emotion; its nostalgia cuts into the throat of love, slicing page after page into new, fresh coherent sentences.

It is 3am. I am 15 kms away and wide awake.

I love you, Anthony.

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Nov 4

Nonsense

by jmgoyder

Whenever Anthony says something during our afternoons together, I either hit ‘mute’ on the television, or ‘pause’ if it’s a dvd.

This is so that I can listen and respond to whatever he is saying, or trying to say. His voice has become very whispery and sometimes croaky lately and, even when he does get the words out, they sometimes
don’t
make
sense….

The following dialogue is an example of how weird and wonderful our conversations can be. I am learning how to be unafraid of nonsense, to enter its world in an Alice-in-Wonderland kind of way, to talk, listen, laugh and pause.

Anthony: How did you know where to find me?

Me: Instinct.

Anthony: You have good instincts.

Me: I know.

PAUSE

Anthony: Can you get this calf to get out of underneath the….

Me: What?

Anthony: This bbbb mmmm toothpaste.

Me: What? Try again.

Anthony: The cat toothpaste.

Me: The toothpaste is free, Ants, and there’s no cat here. Anyway I thought you hated cats.

Anthony: There are five.

Me: You’re hallucinating but I’ll shoo them away, anyway; is that better?

Anthony: Not much.

PAUSE

Me: So, do you think I look different today?

Anthony: No.

Me: Ants, I am wearing a dress for God’s sake. I never wear dresses!

Anthony: Oh.

Me: So what is different about me?

Anthony: Your legs are shorter.

Me: Oh.

Anthony: Is Mum okay?

Me: My mum or your mum?

Anthony: Ours.

Me: She’s fine.

Anthony: Where’s Ming?

Me: He’s at work but he’s coming to visit soon.

Anthony: Does he know I’m at the Rose Hotel?

Me: I’ll tell him.

Anthony: Where is your mother?

Me: Why do you always want to know where my mother is?

Anthony: Well she should be here and I’m worried about her eyes.

Me: Can we just watch the show, Ants?

Anthony: Haven’t we seen this, Jules?

Me: Well it’s a series, so yes and no. We are now up to the third season.

Anthony: Can you bumblebee the cardboard over there?

Me: What?

Anthony: Can you mmmbrrr oh my words don’t. What’s the thing wrong again, Jules?

Me: Ants, you have Parkinson’s, plus you are really quite old. And you have very strange ears.

Anthony: I have perfect ears!

PAUSE

Anthony: You have a sexy stomach.

Me: WHAT? Stop looking at my stomach – I ate too much lunch!

Anthony: Look at mine – I’m thin.

Me: Well there’s no need to rub it in.

PAUSE

Anthony: There’s that baby again.

Me: It’s not a baby; it’s my handbag! See!

Anthony: I think we should go to Golden Valley [his childhood home].

Me: Not today. It’s too cold.

PAUSE

Anthony: Jules?

Me: Yes?

Anthony: Bbbb mmmm – oh I can’t speak.

Me: Do you want the rug on your knees?

Anthony: That’s the elbow, good.

PAUSE

Me: You’re adorable and I love you.

Anthony: Mmm.

Me: You’re supposed to say it back.

Anthony: What?

Me: ‘I love you’.

Anthony: I know you do.

Me: No, I mean you’re supposed to say ‘I love you’ back to me!

Anthony: You already do.

PAUSE

Me: I’ll show you a picture of Ming dressed up as a nurse for Halloween, okay? You are going to be shocked.

Anthony: Nothing shocks me.

Me: Okay, check this out!

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Anthony: He is magnificent!

I rest my case: nonsense is a good thing!

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Nov 2

Another day with Anthony

by jmgoyder

After the fright of the other day when Ants was unconscious for so many hours (much longer than usual), I now realise that my being there every day is important. (Confession: I have been taking ‘days off’ here and there recently).

The first interesting thing about this is that, according to staff, relatives, and visitors, if I am not there, Anthony asks for me and is sometimes fretful.

The second interesting thing about this is the whole time warp thing: i.e. I rush in to see Ants on my way to getting the car serviced, seeing whether we have won lotto, buying chick starter etc. so it’s a very brief visit. And he always knows that I will be back soon, even when I don’t come back that day/night. Five minutes can equate to-and-fro with five hours – or vice versa.

The third interesting thing about this is Anthony’s daily mention of Ming. He never does this in a needy way; he is just always very curious and loves seeing photos of Ming, including Ming’s latest Halloween antics/costume at the restaurant where he works. These photos (as well as the photos of Ming on the walls of Anthony’s nursing home room) are always a buzz – “There he is!” Anthony will sometimes say.

When I told Ming about the frightening day, I cried because I was scared that we might lose Anthony suddenly (which, of course, we will). In telling Ming about my day with Anthony, I realised, and saw, how alike they are: generous, sensitive, gregarious, easy-going, beautiful.

Another day with Anthony…
… enhanced by the fact of Ming.

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Nov 1

Turning corners

by jmgoyder

Corners on King (https://www.facebook.com/cornersonking/?fref=ts) is the restaurant where Ming has worked for just over a year now. It is run by a couple of guys who have very good taste in terms of decor, food, AND picking staff who are willing to dress up for Halloween.

Untitled

Yes, that is Ming on the left in the above photo. I was feeling a bit blah yesterday morning but, when I switched on my newly-switched-on computer, and the internet rushed into my laptop, this photo was the first I saw.

Okay so it took me a few seconds to realise that it was Ming! Other photos followed and I was so overtaken by laughter that the whole blah thing disappeared. I got showered and dressed and drove into town for lunch with this beautiful nurse.

Once I figure out how to save the photos I took of Ming in his nurse’s outfit, as he and I lunched together during his break, I will post them. It was the most glorious hour of halloween hilarity.

And then I went to the nursing home to see Anthony. I arrived at 1pm and left at about 4.30pm. For these hours I was unable to wake him up no matter how much I shook his shoulders, squeezed his hands, shouted (as quietly as I could) ‘Wake up, Ants!’ His nephew visited, a friend visited, the nurse-in-charge came in and checked his blood pressure etc. and reassured me that all was well. I visited the dementia wing a couple of times, showed several staff and residents the photos of Ming, laughed and joked, in the hope that when I returned to Anthony’s room he would be awake. He wasn’t.

The possibility that Anthony might die during – or soon after – one of these TIAs (which seem to be occurring more often), is a corner I have been hesitant to turn into. I was calm yesterday afternoon, then terrified, then resigned. When I got home, Ming was here, and listened to my tearful fears in the same way I listen to his; after all, we both love Anthony.

It is entirely possible that Anthony will live for many more years; it is equally possible that he will die soon. I am not ready for the latter, despite many attempts to BE ready, and I cannot imagine my life without Anthony in it. His room in the nursing home, the staff who have become such wonderful friends, my arm around his shoulder, our long afternoons watching television, bantering, just being together, sometimes reminiscing, sometimes eating and drinking, laughing, looking at photos, doing paperwork, engaging with staff, residents, friends, relatives, visitors … his room has become my refuge, my home.

Ah, but I do have another home – a place where I can eat, drink, write, relax. I can be one of those trendy people who drink short blacks whilst writing articles about the meaning of life and death OR the proud mother of the waiter at Corners on King.

Corners on King (https://www.facebook.com/cornersonking/?fref=ts) is the restaurant where Ming has worked for just over a year now. It is run by a couple of guys who have very good taste in terms of decor, food, AND picking staff who are willing to dress up for Halloween.

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