jmgoyder

wings and things

I remember

I remember when you first winked at me
across the dining room table,
when your mother said I had overcooked the poached eggs.

You were 40 and I was a teenager
so the wink was just a wink of humour,
harmless and not flirtatious in the least

But that wink burrowed itself into my psyche,
made me ache for another wink….

If I hadn’t boiled the grapefruit marmalade all over the Aga,
a second wink might have happened sooner.
Oh well.

I remember when you first hugged me.
It was a week after my father died suddenly and I will never forget
the hesitation of that first hug,
your delight and nervousness,
your big, muscled arms,
my tears on your shoulder.

I remember the evening when you first understood me
as we bantered philosophical conundrums across the kitchen table
while your mother snored gently in the next room.

You don’t remember much of this, your eyes have forgotten how to wink, I banter as you snooze, and your arms no longer have the strength to hug me.

The time may come when you don’t remember who I am,
but I will never forget who you are,
my rock,
my light,
my reason,
my love,
my laughter.

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Anthony adventures

It occurred to me today, while Anthony was home for the afternoon, that, instead of getting all anxious about his PDD symptoms, I/we could embrace this phase as a kind of adventure.

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Home is where the heart is

I had planned to get Anthony home today, then decided to wait until the weekend so I could also invite some friends to see him. So I left a message with the nursing staff this morning, then rather guiltily rang him this evening. I needn’t have worried because Anthony thought he was home anyway. This is how our rather strange conversation unfolded:

Anthony: Jules, I’m at Bythorne [that’s the name of our farm]
Me: Are you?
Anthony: Yes, where are you?
Me: Well I thought I was at Bythorne.
Anthony: That’s okay then.
Me: Why do you think you’re at Bythorne, or are you kidding?
Anthony: I don’t just think I’m at Bythorne; I AM at Bythorne.
Me: I thought you were at the nursing lodge.
Anthony: No, I’m at Bythorne! When are you coming home?
Me: I won’t be long.
Anthony: That’s good. I miss you.
Me: Well you sound pretty happy.
Anthony: I am! I love you, Jules.
Me: I love you Ants.

The dementia that is part of Anthony’s Parkinson’s Disease always kicks in after sundown (I blogged about ‘sundowner syndrome once before). But this is the first time he has thought he was at home.

I felt a surge of joy about this because he sounded so happy, but it was a bit surreal.

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Are you sure it’s safe out here?

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Party fizzog

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Oh well!

Due to a combination of things (Ants is having digestive issues, the nursing lodge is experiencing a mild flu outbreak, and it is another extremely hot day), I spent most of the morning ringing the people I’d invited to say the party was off. After all that last-minute planning and stressing, I have to admit I was rather relieved – ha!

Instead, Ming and I went in see Ants. We we will get him home tomorrow, which is his actual birthday.

It was still a good day and we took some photos of Ming’s new ute!

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Doing ‘the right thing’ dilemmas

I was brought up well-versed in the art of turning the other cheek and, in principle, this is a rather useful art.

However, I think there comes a point where your cheeks become too raw and swollen and you know you have to stop the hands that keep slapping you.

When Anthony and I announced our engagement, nearly 20 years ago, it was met with various kinds of shock. We knew there might be shock; after all, he was a bachelor in his late 50s and I had just entered my 30s.

Almost without exception, our friends and family expressed delighted shock, but there were two people who didn’t and, even at our wedding, would not speak to us. Ants and I didn’t care at the time because we were on a newlywed high!

But, once the honeymoon was over, I had to learn, in increments, how to deal with these two people. Their bullying behaviour astounded me! It went on and on, year after year, even when Ants became so ill.

But it’s Anthony’s birthday party tomorrow and, as always, he said, “Do the right thing, Jules.”

So I made the phonecall and invited them. Just doing the right thing – ha!

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Anthony’s 77th birthday!

On Monday, Anthony turns 77, so tomorrow he is coming out for the afternoon.

On impulse, I rang a few family and friends and all said yes, with a few maybes.

I just counted up how many people are coming and it’s around 50. If the maybes come, it will be 60.

Panic!

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Too good to be true!

1. Ming finally passed his driving test!
2. Someone wants to buy our old car for more than the price we wanted!
3. I got my new bike!
4. A blog friend is sending me a gift!
5. Ming and I saw Anthony this morning (after two days of not seeing him) and he didn’t get all down in the dumps when we had to go!

Details to be blogged soon – I am too busy grinning!

Oh yes, and Gutsy9 (baby peacock, for those who don’t know) is thriving!

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Change

Some people love Change and some people hate it. Change sometimes causes terrible conflicts – in relationships, workplaces, countries, and in all sorts of different contexts – when one ‘side’ embraces Change, and the other ‘side’ doesn’t.

I used to love Change until too many changes happened at once, and then I craved stability, but that got a bit boring!

So it is now back to Change again – yeeha – because Change is wonderfully malleable. You can change Change; after all, that is its nature.

I have learned that if you don’t welcome Change, it will bite you anyway – not nastily, just in a nibbly way.

Change and I are buddies again and it has been a fantastic day!

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Enough is enough

I never intended for this blog to become so personal and I certainly didn’t intend for it to become so sad. It was a blog about our adventures with birds – a way of cheering the three of us (Anthony, Ming and me) UP!

How was I supposed to know that Anthony’s Parkinson’s would escalate, then collide with Ming’s spinal surgery? How was I supposed to know that we would have to find a nursing home, that I would have to resign from my job, that I would have to figure out Ming’s post-op. requirements, that we would lose many of our birds to foxes?

How was I supposed to know what last year would entail – Ming’s anger, Anthony’s sorrow, my despair? Obviously I don’t have very good foresight.

I do, however, have pretty good hindsight and tonight I have realized that enough is enough, that I am not going to allow myself to die because Ants is dying, that I am not going to allow myself get angry because Ming is angry, that I am not going to allow myself to sink into this self-pitying quicksand of despair.

Apologies for recent posts.

Enough is enough!

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