jmgoyder

wings and things

Jun 4

Joy

by jmgoyder

It seems indecent to feel, or worse embrace, joy, when your loved one is disappearing.

But joy is clever; it sneaks into the mud of your sorrow and explodes it away in rainbowish sparkles.

It is nearly 35 years since I, rather transparently, fell in love with Anthony and he kept his reciprocal feelings secret (I was, after all, still a teenager and he was over 40).

I think of what we had, what we endured, what we celebrated, and what we have now, as a big kind of love – huge, inviolable, but feather-light, a joy.

I have never felt so sad.
I have never felt so happy.

Joy.
Anthony.

Family Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Wings

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Jun 2

The Parkinson’s disease that nobody seems to know about

by jmgoyder

Okay, of course the medical professionals know a bit about the type of Parkinson’s disease that Anthony has lived with for nearly a decade, but his official diagnosis is Parkinsonism. Anthony doesn’t have the Michael J Fox variety of Parkinson’s disease; for example, he has no tremors. If he’d had the characteristic tremors, we may have found out earlier.

Anthony’s Parkinsonism is best described as a list of losses in movement. If I look back in time, my first memory of a change in Anthony was his face. It was a big, huge face with a receding hairline and a deeply grooved forehead, twinkling blue eyes, large, but refined nose, sunburned cheeks, large, laughing mouth with good, straight teeth, and a strong jaw.

To be be continued….

Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

26 Comments »
Jun 1

June 1st

by jmgoyder

Well I had my month off blogging, and only kept up with other people’s blogs haphazardly, and I have to say it was a refreshingly silent month. It has given me the time needed to reassess a few things, turn some corners, contemplate the future, and come to terms better with Anthony’s deterioration.

Gutsy 9, the not-so-baby peacock, is thriving and now sleeps in the wattle trees at night with the other peacocks, and is quick enough to get away from our two dogs now. He still does madly joyful pirouettes whenever he hears my voice and loves to fly up onto my shoulder for a kiss. (I don’t have a new picture of this so have included one from when he was little. He is now twice this size, so rather heavy).

Ming is still happily milking for our dairy farmer neighbours, and creating music in the evenings. He gave me 4 nights at a luxury resort for Mothers’Day – not a bad gift!

I still battle bouts of volcanic grief about what is happening to Anthony, but have learned a few more ways of bringing joy back into our little family.

It’s good to back and thanks for the many comments. This is a lovely community.

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Animal Birds blogging Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Wings

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May 15

Thanks!

by jmgoyder

Just checking in halfway through my blogbreak. Thanks to all for comments on last few posts – I really appreciate it and had intended to reply, sorry!

I’ve temporarily unsubscribed from most blogs to give myself a break, but will get back eventually I hope.

It’s just that I am so sad at the moment, about Anthony, because of how fast the dementia is happening now.

Ming, Gutsy9 and I are all fine which somehow seems wrong. I miss Anthony so much.

blogging Family Friendship Grief LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

85 Comments »
Apr 29

An eventful year (1995)

by jmgoyder

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In 1995, I got a part-time job at the local university lecturing in creative writing.

In 1995, Anthony was diagnosed with kidney cancer and had his left kidney removed

In 1995, Ming turned one, was baptised, went from crawling to running, learned how to clean his teeth, got into the vroom of things, slept peacefully, learned how to wash a car, yell HURRAY, climb mountains and open his own Christmas presents.

But, of the three of us, I am the only one who remembers any of this now because Ants is too old and Ming was too young.

Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers

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Apr 28

Reject (1994)

by jmgoyder

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“Reject” is the name Anthony gave a steer whose mother had rejected him at birth, and who Ants raised by hand. When he was little, this steer loved Ants so much that he would run at him, jump up and try to hug him around the neck with his two front legs.

Animal Family Friendship Happiness LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease dementia

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Apr 27

Nostalgia (1994)

by jmgoyder

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I finally figured out how to use my little scanner, so now I can get a photobook made for Ants. Here are a few of my favourites.

Family Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

28 Comments »
Apr 25

Dementia and distress

by jmgoyder

Until recently, Anthony’s level of distress was due to an entirely rational sense of homesickness. Recently, however, it has been exacerbated by an irrational fear that I no longer love him.

Today he forgot that he saw me yesterday (it’s the first time this has happened), so he was really upset. I had to remind him about yesterday and then he was apologetic for having forgotten.

At this stage of his dementia Anthony can fluctuate between lucid and not lucid in the space of a single sentence. He frequently hallucinates various animals (usually calves), gropes for the right word constantly, and is exhibiting several behaviours that are totally out of character.

I hesitate to say this but I’m beginning to think that full-blown dementia would be better than this limboland. It’s not that any of the above shocks or upsets me too much because I nursed people with dementia for years, so I know what to expect.

The thing that is most distressing for me is Anthony’s distress and the fact that I have never ever known him to be so sad until now. And that is my sad too.

Family Grief LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

29 Comments »
Apr 23

Telephone troubles

by jmgoyder

For some time now Anthony has had diffculty with his phone at the nursing lodge. He forgot how to use it to ring me ages ago, but now it seems he has also forgotten how to answer it.

I couldn’t get into town to see him today and I nearly went mad tonight, trying his phone. Usually I ring the nursing staff to help him answer his phone and they are wonderful, but I thought I’d give them a break tonight.

Ming and I will see Ants tomorrow and that’s great but I worry so much about Ants being cold. He feels the cold terribly and winter is approaching.

I’m having a hard time coping, so am taking a break from reading other blogs for a few days so I can figure a few things out – including Anthony’s telephone!

Grief LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia

39 Comments »
Apr 20

All alone – ahhhhhhh!

by jmgoyder

Pure bliss!

Ming has gone to Perth to watch a football game so there is nobody here to say:

What’s for dinner?
Why are you flooding the pens and wasting water on those stupid birds?
I thought we were watching a movie together 20 minutes ago!
I don’t particularly like this dinner – what is it?
What the hell are you crying for – what did I do wrong now?
Don’t touch any of my stuff!
But why do you want me to move out?
You ruined my life yesterday when you said to move out.
No, I don’t want to ring Dad again!

On the other hand….

Mum, you are like my mate.
Do you need a hug?
I’m sorry I didn’t like the dinner – I tried to!
Are you okay?
Can we have a talk about life tonight?
I wish I knew Dad when he was young.
I love you, Mum.

He is my best friend – this Ming – but it’s still rather pleasant to be Mingless for 24 hours – haha!

Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Marriage Parkinson's disease Parkinson's disease dementia Teenagers

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