jmgoyder

wings and things

Jan 28

Enough is enough

by jmgoyder

I never intended for this blog to become so personal and I certainly didn’t intend for it to become so sad. It was a blog about our adventures with birds – a way of cheering the three of us (Anthony, Ming and me) UP!

How was I supposed to know that Anthony’s Parkinson’s would escalate, then collide with Ming’s spinal surgery? How was I supposed to know that we would have to find a nursing home, that I would have to resign from my job, that I would have to figure out Ming’s post-op. requirements, that we would lose many of our birds to foxes?

How was I supposed to know what last year would entail – Ming’s anger, Anthony’s sorrow, my despair? Obviously I don’t have very good foresight.

I do, however, have pretty good hindsight and tonight I have realized that enough is enough, that I am not going to allow myself to die because Ants is dying, that I am not going to allow myself get angry because Ming is angry, that I am not going to allow myself to sink into this self-pitying quicksand of despair.

Apologies for recent posts.

Enough is enough!

Animal Family LOVE STORY Wings

85 Comments »
Jan 28

JOY!

by jmgoyder

It worked! I didn’t ring Ants until exactly 4pm and he was happy, loving and Ants! Another of his fantastic nephews was there. Oh the relief that he was fine. Joy!

Friendship LOVE STORY

25 Comments »
Jan 28

Disengagement dilemmas

by jmgoyder

It is nearly 1.30 in the afternoon and I haven’t yet rung Anthony. This is very unusual.

Usually, I ring him multiple times per day beginning with the morning phonecalls. When I say multiple times, I mean multiple attempts. The big, easy-to-use mobile we got Ants goes to message bank after exactly 13 rings, so my system is to let it ring 12 times, hang up, and do the same thing a couple more times. I usually get him on the third try.

But, even when he answers the phone, he often can’t hear me because he is forgetting how to hold the phone to his ear, so I have to yell my side of the conversation. And sometimes, he starts pressing numbers on his phone and unintentionally cuts me off, so I have to begin the whole ritual again. I often have to ring the nurses to help Anthony answer his own phone.

I do this phonecall thing in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening regardless of whether I am visiting him or not (an average of every second to third day now).

When it works, our morning conversations are light-hearted (Ants is lucid), our afternoon conversations are mournfully hopeful (he is sad and wants to come home), and our evening conversatioms are bizarre (he is confused).

It is nearly 1.30 in the afternoon and I haven’t yet rung Anthony. I will wait, with my hand poised near the phone, with his number carved into my brain, with my heart splintering, until 4pm.

Why?

Because otherwise I will go stark, raving mad.

This is a very heavy love.

Family LOVE STORY

35 Comments »
Jan 27

Is it okay to be angry with the person who is sick?

by jmgoyder

Yes it is!

This morning, I rang Anthony to let him know I would get him taxied out here this afternoon and he said, “So I can be taken away like a piece of garbage again?” Lucid, sarcastic, uncharacteristically nasty.

Ït wasn’t my fault the taxi came an hour early, Ants!

Well whose fault was it, Jules?

Long story short, a wonderful nephew of Ants brought him out to the farm at around 11am and was willing to take Ants back but Ants wanted to stay longer. Okay.’

Once the nephew had gone and Ming wasn’t within earshot, I sat with Ants in the kitchen and asked him calmly why he was so mad at me.

Because I want to stay home!

I lost my temper! We had a humdinger of a row during which I ranted about him being selfish, told him that I couldn’t cope with this new nastiness from him and, finally yelled what I have tried to gently say for nearly a year on a daily basis – YOU CAN’T COME HOME TO STAY, ANTS!

He finally accepted it and I got him outside to the front veranda to wait for the taxi. We shared the beer we missed out on yesterday and reconciled with lots of loveydovey conversation.

We cleared the air, apologized to each other, hugged and kissed and held hands and I explained how I am suffering too. Ants understood finally and I realized that it was okay to have been so angry with him.

Oh and the taxi arrived an hour late this time – argh!

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

54 Comments »
Jan 26

Moments

by jmgoyder

pea 1115pea 1110

I have never before been so attentive to, and appreciative of, a single moment. Moments are much more pleasant than hours.

Anthony was taxied home this morning and, even though his 11am drug hadn’t quite kicked in, Ming and I managed to get him into the kitchen because it was too hot outside.

The three of us had a rollicking time with a little bit of champagne thrown in. Then Ming’s two best mates dropped in to see Ants. I knew Ming had invited them, but I was heartmelted that they bothered, these two amazing young men! Ants was delighted to see them and we all spent an hour or so, still in the kitchen, bantering, listening to Triple J, and eating vegemite on toast.

By this time Ants was just able enough to go for a drive with Ming in the new ute so the friends left and Ming took off with Ants. By this time Ming’s demeanor had altered from grinny to grumpy. By this time I knew I would have to order the taxi for 3pm, not 4pm, which I did.

Ming and Ants got back and I helped Ants out of the ute and walked him to a chair on the front veranda. He was okayish and suggested a beer! I went into the house to find Ming fuming that Ants had dribbled in the ute (drooling is common in Parkinson’s Disease). I bit back and we had a rather nasty altercation.

And then, just as I was about to join Ants on the veranda for a beer, a taxi arrived – one hour early – 2pm! The shock and disappointment was terrible for Ants and the only way I could make it okay was to say we’d do it again tomorrow.

So it was a bit of a mishmash of a day. On the other hand, the good moments far outweighed the yucky ones. And the best moment was when Ming made Anthony smile!

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

75 Comments »
Jan 25

The struggle

by jmgoyder

I am half elated and half deflated in anxious anticipation of Anthony coming home for the day tomorrow.

It will be a difficult day, and no amount of positive thinking will change that because the Parkinson’s Disease owns him now.

Two nights ago, I rang him and he said ‘they’ were going to blow him up and I wouldn’t be able to find his pieces. I could hear a nurse calming him down.

One of our best friends is going through the ordeal of chemotherapy and radiotherapy for cancer.

Several of my blog friends are battling severe health issues and one has just lived through the death of her daughter.

I am scared because I dón’t want Anthony to come home tomorrow because he is so heavy with illness.

It’s the old Ants I want – and so does he – ironic.

blogging Family Friendship LOVE STORY

58 Comments »
Jan 24

Home

by jmgoyder

When I arrived home this afternoon, from my 3-day holiday at a resort, something went a bit skewy in my mind.

Despite a wonderful reunion with Ming and Gutsy9, there was a thudding crash of disappointment because Anthony doesn’t live here anymore.

It isn’t home without him.

Animal Family Friendship LOVE STORY Wings

60 Comments »
Jan 22

R and R

by jmgoyder

Rest and Resort.

Ming bought me this 3-day holiday.

I am in joy!

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

32 Comments »
Jan 21

Disappointment

by jmgoyder

Yesterday afternoon, around 12 of our friends and relatives arrived here at 5pmish to see Anthony. I had ordered the wheelchair taxi to pick him up at 4.30 from the nursing lodge so, by 5.30, I was wondering why he hadn’t arrived.

Long story short (after I made numerous phone-calls) it turned out that the taxi had arrived early and didn’t wait so, by the time a nurse had Ants outside in a wheelchair, it was too late.

When I got to speak to Ants on the phone (6pm), there was a bit of a party happening here but with the star missing. The disappointment in his voice was devastating for me because I had organized it all for him and the stupid mis-timing of the taxi wrecked it.

I was supposed to leave for my little holiday this morning, but have decided to go this evening instead because I must see Ants first.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

33 Comments »
Jan 20

Yeeha!

by jmgoyder

pea 741I have had a few yeeha! experiences lately.

Yeeha 1: Some of my university friends came over the other night with beer, pizza, hugs and laughter. One had her gorgeous fiance with her, plus another friend, then another of my beautiful friends and her daughter arrived, then Ming’s two best friends. It was a fantastic evening, full of wine-induced wisdom, frivolous guffaws, and crowded conversation. Best fun I’ve had for ages! It reminded me of the hundreds of similarly hilarious evenings here when Anthony was well and the life-of-the-party host. He would never sit down.

Yeeha 2: This afternoon I’ve arranged for the wheelchair taxi to pick Ants up from the nursing lodge and bring him home for a few hours. I’ve also invited his nephew’s family and his best mate’s family – a little party!

Yeeha 3: Tomorrow I go away for the 3-night resort holiday Ming has paid for and I cannot wait – am so excited. The only stipulation is that I de-clutter my office first. Wish me luck!

Animal Family Friendship LOVE STORY

35 Comments »
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