Me: Well, you’ll be glad to know that this third bout of anxiety is nearly over. I’m going to tell you about it here because I don’t want to forget what it’s like.
Anthony: Why would you want to remember it?
Me: So I recognise it when it begins to happen rather than being all-consumed by the time I see a doctor.
Anthony: Is it my fault?
Me: Yes and no. It’s because I miss you so much but it doesn’t feel like that at all. It feels like a sense of urgency – constant and about everything – an urgency to clean the house, to socialise, to write the script, to get the motorbike licence, to train Pip as a therapy dog, to do my volunteer visits. Everything becomes such a matter of urgency that I become incapable of doing anything,
Anthony: I thought that was depression.
Me: This is on top of that – this is extreme anxiety, the kind that makes your heart beat super fast and your hands shake and fills you with a kind of flitter-flutter of frenetic energy that beats around inside you but renders you immobile. It’s the kind of fear where adrenaline doesn’t kick in so it’s implosive.
Anthony: So did you get some pills?
Me: Yes.
Anthony: And….?
Me: And now I can function again, I can appear to be okay and I can breathe properly. The good thing is I know I won’t need the pills for long, judging from the last two experiences.
Anthony: Well, take the pills as long as you like, Jules. Just take a break from all of those things you think you should be doing and just be.
Me: Yes I think that’s the key – just being. Without the mindrush. Remember how I used to confide in you about these issues?
Anthony: Yes, I married a complicated woman.
Me: Ha! And you are so uncomplicated. Even when you were so ill and incapacitated, you were like an anchor, a safe place, a solid certainty. Now that you’re dead, I sometimes flounder.
Anthony: You’ll find your feet again, Jules. You always do.
Me: I understand other people’s grief so much better now, Ants, especially the fear thing.
Anthony: Maybe there’s something you don’t realise, Jules.
Me: And what’s that, oh wise one?
Anthony: I miss you too.
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