Atop my shoulder
This beautiful little friend
My teenage peacock
[Many thanks to Samantha for this photo of G9 yesterday].
Gutsy9 update in the form of a haiku
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Joy
It seems indecent to feel, or worse embrace, joy, when your loved one is disappearing.
But joy is clever; it sneaks into the mud of your sorrow and explodes it away in rainbowish sparkles.
It is nearly 35 years since I, rather transparently, fell in love with Anthony and he kept his reciprocal feelings secret (I was, after all, still a teenager and he was over 40).
I think of what we had, what we endured, what we celebrated, and what we have now, as a big kind of love – huge, inviolable, but feather-light, a joy.
I have never felt so sad.
I have never felt so happy.
Joy.
Anthony.
Parkinsonism
I am finding it very difficult to talk/write about this without crumbling into a teary mess of memories. Hopefully, it will be okay if I just post short glimpses of how Anthony’s Parkinsonism revealed itself. It’s not all tragic, of course, and we continue to have many comic moments.
My first memory of something being amiss with my macho-machine husband was when he couldn’t open the Vegemite jar for our morning toast. I even remember teasing Anthony which, in retrospect, seems cruel, but we had a buoyantly bantery relationship, a beautiful little son, and I was adept at opening jars of Vegemite for Ming.
Little did we know then that Parkinsonism had moved into the spare room.
Thanks!
Just checking in halfway through my blogbreak. Thanks to all for comments on last few posts – I really appreciate it and had intended to reply, sorry!
I’ve temporarily unsubscribed from most blogs to give myself a break, but will get back eventually I hope.
It’s just that I am so sad at the moment, about Anthony, because of how fast the dementia is happening now.
Ming, Gutsy9 and I are all fine which somehow seems wrong. I miss Anthony so much.
An eventful year (1995)
In 1995, I got a part-time job at the local university lecturing in creative writing.
In 1995, Anthony was diagnosed with kidney cancer and had his left kidney removed
In 1995, Ming turned one, was baptised, went from crawling to running, learned how to clean his teeth, got into the vroom of things, slept peacefully, learned how to wash a car, yell HURRAY, climb mountains and open his own Christmas presents.
But, of the three of us, I am the only one who remembers any of this now because Ants is too old and Ming was too young.
Reject (1994)
“Reject” is the name Anthony gave a steer whose mother had rejected him at birth, and who Ants raised by hand. When he was little, this steer loved Ants so much that he would run at him, jump up and try to hug him around the neck with his two front legs.
Nostalgia (1994)
I finally figured out how to use my little scanner, so now I can get a photobook made for Ants. Here are a few of my favourites.
Dementia and distress
Until recently, Anthony’s level of distress was due to an entirely rational sense of homesickness. Recently, however, it has been exacerbated by an irrational fear that I no longer love him.
Today he forgot that he saw me yesterday (it’s the first time this has happened), so he was really upset. I had to remind him about yesterday and then he was apologetic for having forgotten.
At this stage of his dementia Anthony can fluctuate between lucid and not lucid in the space of a single sentence. He frequently hallucinates various animals (usually calves), gropes for the right word constantly, and is exhibiting several behaviours that are totally out of character.
I hesitate to say this but I’m beginning to think that full-blown dementia would be better than this limboland. It’s not that any of the above shocks or upsets me too much because I nursed people with dementia for years, so I know what to expect.
The thing that is most distressing for me is Anthony’s distress and the fact that I have never ever known him to be so sad until now. And that is my sad too.
Grateful
When I got an email from doudou (my blog friend), I went to her blog and saw this! I’m a bit emotional at the moment so I cried and laughed at the same time.
Thank you so much, doudou, for upside-downing my frown into a great big grin.
Telephone troubles
For some time now Anthony has had diffculty with his phone at the nursing lodge. He forgot how to use it to ring me ages ago, but now it seems he has also forgotten how to answer it.
I couldn’t get into town to see him today and I nearly went mad tonight, trying his phone. Usually I ring the nursing staff to help him answer his phone and they are wonderful, but I thought I’d give them a break tonight.
Ming and I will see Ants tomorrow and that’s great but I worry so much about Ants being cold. He feels the cold terribly and winter is approaching.
I’m having a hard time coping, so am taking a break from reading other blogs for a few days so I can figure a few things out – including Anthony’s telephone!
jmgoyder 