jmgoyder

wings and things

Feb 19

When things go wrong

by jmgoyder

This morning, on our way to town, Ming and I had a ferocious argument, with him yelling and me shrieking and both of us swearing and me crying.

Our first stop was the chemist so I left Ming in the car, slammed the door, wiped my eyes and went in to get a few things with a big fake smile on my face. It took awhile for a couple of prescriptions to be filled so I went back to the car to find Ming with silent tears rolling down his cheeks. I got into the car and sobbed an apology which was reciprocated, then we just sat in silence for a few minutes, staring dully though the windscreen.

Then we began to talk:

Ming: There is something wrong with me. I’m ruining your life.
Me: There is nothing wrong with you and you are not ruining my life.
Ming: Then why does this keep happening?
Me: Because you keep losing your temper with me and I keep overreacting.
Ming: I just want to make things perfect and it never works.
Me: Yes, and that includes me?
Ming: Yes, well, no – I just want you to be happy.
Me: Well I just want you to be happy too. But you are a bully!
Ming: I think we should go back to counselling.
Me: I agree.
Ming: Sometimes when I wake up, I just want to go back to sleep.
Me: Same here.
Ming: I want to be a child again.
Me: So do I, sort of.
Ming: Am I really harder for you than Dad?
Me: Physically, no, mentally, yes – emotionally, about the same.
Ming: But I’m only trying to help.
Me: By nagging me, reprimanding me, trying to control me, yelling at me?
Ming: You said we’d leave today at 11am.
Me: So we left at 11.10am – was that a tragedy?
Ming: No, but you’re always letting me down – you never want to leave the house.
Me: I’m having a bad time with lethargy.
Ming: Same here.
Me: So we need a plan of attack. From now on we will make a daily plan for each day. We’ll do one chore together and one separately, schedule it into the day and allocate a definite time. Neither of us is allowed to renege or be late. We’ll write tomorrow’s plan tonight and sign it like a contract.
Ming: That’s what I’ve been saying for ages, Mum – teamwork!
Me: Okay, I don’t particularly like that word but yes, you are right.
Ming: Shake hands then?
Me: Okay.

We went on and did the rest of our town errands and got home smiling. I feel terrible about the horrible, cruelly sarcastic things I said to Ming, and for screaming at him like a psycho, and he feels terrible for his control-freaky temper, but maybe we had to have this crash in order to wake up.

I am hopeful.

Family Friendship

71 Comments »
Feb 18

Oh the joy of cycling!

by jmgoyder

pea 2437

Now don’t get too excited. I haven’t jumped onto the bike yet but I am dressed in my bike riding clothes (an old tracksuit I found which seems strangely snug but it will do.)

Okay, so the plan was to get up at 4.30am and follow Ming to the dairy (around 3kms away) but two things prevented this. Firstly, I didn’t wake up and, secondly, even if I had woken up, it was too dark.

I forgave myself and decided to ride around the block (around 7kms) later in the morning but Ming reminded me that I still didn’t have a helmet. And then I got a terrible attack of hayfever and I didn’t want to contaminate my new bike with nose drippings.

So now that it’s nearly noon, I will probably leave the ride until later when the wind dies down (yes, we are experiencing those awful easterlies that make cycling so difficult.)

In the meantime, here is a picture of Gutsy9 first thing in the morning, just before I get him out of his cot/cage and take him outside to play.

Tomorrow, I will go into town and buy a helmet and a basket to put Gutsy9 in on the bike. This afternoon I will do a few laps of the driveway again. I promise!

blogging Family Friendship Wings

53 Comments »
Feb 17

Hugging

by jmgoyder

Everything else about today pales into insignificance compared to the hugs. I hugged Anthony when he was standing up and he let go of the walker and hugged me back. Then I hugged him while we were tackling his lunch and he pushed the food away and hugged me back. Then, as I was about to leave, I knelt down on the floor in front of his chair to kiss him goodbye and he enfolded me in his arms and gave me a bearhug. He brought my face into the hollow of his shoulder, kissed my hair, held me ferociously and whispered, “Jules, I love you so much.”

Usually the wasted muscles in his arms make hugging difficult, but not today! I am home now and can still feel that goodbye hug and I am trying very hard not to cry.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

52 Comments »
Feb 16

The difference between what matters and what doesn’t matter

by jmgoyder

WHAT DOES MATTER

– Ming began harp lessons.
– Anthony said on the phone this afternoon that he’d been kidnapped, but I calmed him down.
– Some lovely friends came to pick the dying figs.
– Gutsy9 (baby peacock) is thriving despite his wonky leg.
– We found a clock man who has now fixed three of Anthony’s clocks, so the house is chiming again.
– I finished delivering details to our accountant for our tax return from last year.
– I am going to purchase an ipad tomorrow so I can access the internet in Anthony’s room and show him stuff.
– Ming and I are getting on top of the housework/yardwork etc.
– I only cried a little bit today, instead of a lot.
– The blog community is amazing.
– Ming has stopped being so bossy!
– Lots of other good things.

WHAT DOESN’T MATTER

– It doesn’t matter!

Animal blogging Family Friendship LOVE STORY Wings

64 Comments »
Feb 15

Farmboy 2

by jmgoyder

Ming was still in nappies when the dairy industry here was toppled by deregulation.

We were just one of hundreds of families affected by this and, without going into the politics, let me just say that it was devastating.

Previous to this, Anthony was a workaholic dairyfarmer (to me, those terms are synonymous.)

It was around this time that Ants was diagnosed with kidney cancer and had to have two operations. Our dairy days were over.

Ming never saw Ants in his prime, never saw Ants working, so he will never know the Anthony I knew.

And yet – and this is wonderful! – Ming is now milking for our beautiful neighbours and has been offered a full-time job as of July.

Like father, like son!

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

32 Comments »
Feb 15

Farmboy 1

by jmgoyder

It was about two years ago when our lives (Anthony’s, mine, and Ming’s) altered dramatically. Here is an abbreviated list of events, in no particular order:

1. Anthony’s Parkinson’s became so bad that he required hourly nursing care during the nights.
2. I eventually got exhausted and was hospitalized for a few days.
3. Ming’s scoliosis required surgery.
4. I had to take extended leave from my university job as a lecturer.
5. Ming completed his last year of school.
6. We found that the farming family, whose property adjoins ours, was willing to lease our 100 acres for the correct rent.
7. We withstood the continuing verbal abuse from our previous lessee who we had already kicked off for negligence etc.
8. With Anthony’s approval, I contacted our lawyer to prevent the previous lessee from coming onto the property.
8. We accepted that Ming would have to have surgery.
9. We accepted that Ants would have to go into a nursing lodge.
10. Ming began his Certificate in music and, simultaneously, began milking cows for the same people we are now leasing to.

Our farmboy’s journey began!

Ever since Anthony went into the nursing lodge, and Ming had his spinal surgery, life-as-we-knew-it has altered dramatically.

Animal Family Friendship LOVE STORY

30 Comments »
Feb 12

377 days

by jmgoyder

I had to search through my blog to find the date of Anthony’s transition from respite to permanent resident at the nursing lodge. It was January 31st, 2012, 377 days ago.

How could this have happened just a year ago when it seems like a hundred years ago?

How could this have happened over a year ago when it seems like a few minutes ago?

377 days of separation.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

42 Comments »
Feb 11

Dreams inside dreams

by jmgoyder

For the last few weeks I have been having rather dramatic, block-buster-type dreams. Inside the dreams, I am always the hero who knows she is in a dream, but also knows that, in order to escape the dream, she has to either get away from, or else confront, the baddies.

The most recurrent dream is of something preventing Anthony and me from getting married. This barrier is usually a series of verbal and visual ‘stills’ of what really happened (Anthony’s younger brother’s protestations, my bewilderment, and Anthony’s heartbreak). These dreams are becoming so boringly predictable that I am usually able to clamber free.

But last night’s dream was really weird. Inside the dream, I was away at a conference and Ming rang me to say that Anthony’s old girlfriend had dropped in and wanted to stay the night. Then, the next morning, when I got home from the conference, Anthony admitted that he had slept with her.

Okay, so this was all a dream within a dream, but even when I escaped the inside dream, I found myself trying to climb the escalators the wrong way, in an empty airport somewhere in the desert.

I was glad to wake up!

Family Friendship LOVE STORY Wings

50 Comments »
Feb 10

I remember

by jmgoyder

I remember when you first winked at me
across the dining room table,
when your mother said I had overcooked the poached eggs.

You were 40 and I was a teenager
so the wink was just a wink of humour,
harmless and not flirtatious in the least

But that wink burrowed itself into my psyche,
made me ache for another wink….

If I hadn’t boiled the grapefruit marmalade all over the Aga,
a second wink might have happened sooner.
Oh well.

I remember when you first hugged me.
It was a week after my father died suddenly and I will never forget
the hesitation of that first hug,
your delight and nervousness,
your big, muscled arms,
my tears on your shoulder.

I remember the evening when you first understood me
as we bantered philosophical conundrums across the kitchen table
while your mother snored gently in the next room.

You don’t remember much of this, your eyes have forgotten how to wink, I banter as you snooze, and your arms no longer have the strength to hug me.

The time may come when you don’t remember who I am,
but I will never forget who you are,
my rock,
my light,
my reason,
my love,
my laughter.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

92 Comments »
Feb 3

Doing ‘the right thing’ dilemmas

by jmgoyder

I was brought up well-versed in the art of turning the other cheek and, in principle, this is a rather useful art.

However, I think there comes a point where your cheeks become too raw and swollen and you know you have to stop the hands that keep slapping you.

When Anthony and I announced our engagement, nearly 20 years ago, it was met with various kinds of shock. We knew there might be shock; after all, he was a bachelor in his late 50s and I had just entered my 30s.

Almost without exception, our friends and family expressed delighted shock, but there were two people who didn’t and, even at our wedding, would not speak to us. Ants and I didn’t care at the time because we were on a newlywed high!

But, once the honeymoon was over, I had to learn, in increments, how to deal with these two people. Their bullying behaviour astounded me! It went on and on, year after year, even when Ants became so ill.

But it’s Anthony’s birthday party tomorrow and, as always, he said, “Do the right thing, Jules.”

So I made the phonecall and invited them. Just doing the right thing – ha!

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

78 Comments »
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