jmgoyder

wings and things

Nov 28

Love story 122 – Every evening

by jmgoyder

Tonight’s phonecall with Anthony:

Ants: I am just across the road, not far. Can you pick me up?

Me: It’s really late, Ants – I’ll see you tomorrow morning, okay?

Ants: But I’m not sure about this party.

Me: I can hear the nurse, Ants, and she is going to put you to bed right now. You’ll be fine and I’ll see you tomorrow.

Ants: Why can’t you come and help me?

Me: It’s 8.30pm, Ants.

Ants: Just for a cup of tea?

Me: I’ll be there at 11am tomorrow okay. Just try and go to sleep.

Ants: I miss you so much, Jules.

Me: I just saw you yesterday. Pull yourself together Ants!

Ants: I wanted to burst into tears.

Me: What? You better not do that – you are not a wimp. Stop it!

Ants: Okay, are you sure?

Me: Sure about what?

Ants: That you love me.

Me: Yes! How many times do I have to tell you this?

Ants: Okay, that’s fine. G’night Jules.

Me: G’night Ants – see you in the morning.

I think I am getting stronger and less affected by these sometimes bizarre evening phone conversations. Paradoxically, I have never felt so exhausted. This is probably because I am finally being more honest with Ants and have stopped tiptoeing around his constant home-coming wishes. He keeps reassuring me that he is getting better which is, of course, not true. Yesterday at the nursing lodge I couldn’t even manage to hoist him up from his chair to use the walker to walk me out and we both gave up.

My emotions seem to be having a rest and pragmatism has come to the rescue. I hardly ever cry now – it’s weird.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

45 Comments »
Nov 27

Love story 121 – What is mine is yours (or is it the other way around?)

by jmgoyder

I have started saying this weird thing lately, that I have never said before. Instead of saying our, I’ve begun to say my and this disturbs me. Here are some examples:

  • This is my son
  • Come over to my place
  • My birds
  • My dogs
  • My house
  • My farm

Etcetera….

The fact that I sometimes say this my thing instead of the usual our thing in front of Anthony makes me sick to my stomach and I always try to correct the my to our before he notices or gets hurt.

He doesn’t notice, but why am I doing this ‘my’ thing when I have never done so before? Everything has always been ours, not mine, not his – ours.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY Wings

54 Comments »
Nov 24

Love story 120 – Romance

by jmgoyder

When Anthony suddenly transformed from a macho machine into a rose-buying romantic all those years ago, it was a massive shock to me. As a macho machine, he was never demonstrative or loving or generous and I was so used to this that the ‘new’ Anthony took a bit of getting used to.  In the nearly 20 years since we’ve been married he has given me the most beautiful gifts: pearls (a few strings), silver bangles (around 20), expensive perfume, a carriage clock, an Omega watch, a couple of other watches, an antique lithograph (well he had wanted this himself), my first ever electronic organizer, my first laptop, a min-tv for my office, a beautifully framed picture of me at my graduation, two antique cameo broaches and the list goes on. Most of these were surprises but over the last few years, since he became too ill with PD to drive, he would tell me to go and buy my own Christmas and birthday presents with instructions like “Go and buy yourself a nice frock” which is ludicrous of course since I haven’t worn a dress since I was around five years old so I would come home with expensive jeans or boots instead! It wasn’t as magical to have to choose my own presents but after a year or so I began to look forward to this. I would ring him from whatever shop and tell him I was trying to choose between this bangle and that bangle and he would always say, “Get the best one, Jules.” So I would!

Don’t get me wrong. When the dairy industry was thriving and I was working, we were comfortably off, but not wealthy and Anthony, having always been extremely scroogy careful with money, continued to astound me with his birthday and Christmas gifts to me. But perhaps the best and most extraordinary gift was his ability to say “I love you, Jules.” The first time he said this, a few seconds before he proposed marriage, I laughed because I thought he was joking. For him the word ‘love’ was a definite taboo and whenever I had used it on him he had shrugged and grinned, but never reciprocated. Since the first time he said these words, he has said them every single day of our marriage and they have not lost their power.

Lately, love has become the main topic of conversation for him. When I am in the nursing lodge, or he is on a visit home, or on the phone, he talks about this big love we have for each other and his eyes smile even though his mouth can’t. He loves talking about love, so much so that I sometimes say, “Yeah, okay, I get it!”

After months of rather mopey misery on his part, Anthony seems to have finally accepted what is, so when I see him, his eyes light up, and he almost yells, “Jules!” He does this on the phone too and seems to have stopped begging me for the impossible – to bring him home to stay. Our conversations are lighter. Of course the confusion and disorientation of PDD is still there but this love-talk seems to bypass that and now, when I leave the nursing lodge, I say goodbye with a smile because I know he knows that I am in love with him too.

A few years ago

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

46 Comments »
Nov 23

Cauldrons and Cupcakes

by jmgoyder

Despite the fact that I don’t like cupcakes, or any cake for that matter, and I am a little nervous of cauldrons, I have been following this wonderful blog for some time. Cauldrons and Cupcakes is a blog about “creativity, spirituality & life,” written by a fantastic woman, Nicole Cody.

Recently I entered her ‘win a healing necklace’ competition simply by commenting on this particular post: http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com/2012/10/22/win-a-healing-necklace-made-especially-for-you/

Well, I won!!!!!! The necklace arrived yesterday and it’s beautiful. Here is what it looks like:

In Nicole’s handwritten card to me she explained that the darker pink stones are Pinks Tarmaline “for joy and happiness – and to bring back your passion for living – it’s a great antidote to grief, depression and loss”; the light pink stones are Rose Quartz “for unconditional love, nurture, heart healing and emotional soothing”; and the Pink Pearls are “for spiritual guidance, Angelic realm support and connection, and acceptance of what is.”

I am crazy about the necklace and can’t wait to show Anthony.

Thank you so much, Nicole!

Oh and you can find her here: http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com/

And guess what? She is Australian, like me – yeeha!

blogging Friendship Wings

44 Comments »
Nov 21

Kindness

by jmgoyder

The word ‘kindness’ seems a little innocuous until you are a recipient.

Jen is someone who worked in a different area of the university from me and, over the years, she knew me best as the lecturer with the self-inflicted computer problems, and a fellow animal lover. She had never met Anthony but she knew about him from my blog. And she knew he suffered from Parkinson’s related temperature problems that affected his feet (either too cold or too hot constantly).

Well not only did Jen invite me over for coffee one day, she also made Anthony a lupin bag AND she visited Ants with me to give him this gift. I was amazed by her generosity.

Here is a paste of Jen’s description of the lupin bag:

Lupin bags:

Can be used as a heat pack or a cold pack.

Heat pack – heat in the microwave (turn while heating when using a larger bag)

Cold pack – leave in the freezer (I don’t get frostbite using a lupin bag as a cold pack straight from the freezer.)

Ways I have successfully used the heated lupin bag:

  • ·        Seated – sit with heated lupin bag under my feet or on my lap – keeps the whole body warm
  • ·        Seated at the computer with heated bag on my neck – back of the office chair helps keep the bag in place
  • ·        Bed – pre-warm bed or take to bed for extra warm toes/tummy/back//under knees etc
  • ·        Pain relief – sore backs, shoulders etc and applied to the area for any rectal pain from haemorrhoids etc.

Ways I have successfully used the cold lupin bag:

  • ·        On tummy or lap on very hot days
  • ·        At night in bed – assists with hot flushes
  • ·        My son sits at the computer with a cold lupin bag on his head as he says it assists in keep him cool.
  • ·        On injuries that need cold therapy

The lupin bag is in Anthony’s bedside cupboard for use when he gets the cold/hot feet syndrome (which is fairly constant), so this post is to thank Jen for her gift, her wisdom and her lupin-knowledge.

Kindness – you can’t beat it!

Family Friendship Wings

36 Comments »
Nov 20

Cleavage

by jmgoyder

I was about to write a post about Anthony’s successful transition via ambulance back to the nursing lodge today but I am too tired from having read a million magazines in the hospital over the last two days. I exhausted one ward’s supply so had to go and ‘steal’ some from another ward. I know I was supposed to do my paperwork but it was putting me to sleep, so I opted for the magazines. I am now an expert on Posh and Becks, I know all of Prince Harry’s secrets and I am getting really worried about Oprah and Angelina Jolie.

I have also seen a hell of a lot of cleavage and, having rarely dressed in anything but collared shirts and jeans, I found it a little confronting – haha! There seemed to be cleavage on every single page of every single magazine I picked up and, when Ants wasn’t drowsing, I would show him a picture and he would say, “Yes but she’s not as good as you,” which is strange since I have never worn anything ever that revealed cleavage.

Funnily enough, when I picked Ming up from music school this afternoon, he said, “Mum, there’s this new teacher who is really hot, but today she was showing a lot of cleavage.” I cracked up laughing at the coincidence then asked him if this were a good or a bad thing. “Well, as a person, I feel like asking women to please put them away, but as a man I am rather drawn,” he said seriously.

I am still laughing and can’t wait to tell Ants when I ring him tonight. He is fine now although his left eye is dreadfully swollen and he is still a bit more disorientated than usual but I am so relieved it’s over and the skin cancer is gone.

 

Family

60 Comments »
Nov 19

Home

by jmgoyder

I got home from my second visit to Anthony at the hospital today to find that Ming had put the birds into their pens, fed all and sundry and let the dogs out for their second run. Jack (the Irish terrier) is all long legs and somersaulting enthusiam and Blaze (the mini-dachschund) is a desperado for hugs, so when I drove into the garage, they both greeted me with wet noses and gleeful barks until I hugged them both. Beautiful.

Then Ming said, “Where is my food?” so I put him in the chookhouse. It was a bit of a tight squeeze to begin with until he agreed to fend for himself tonight as I was pretty tired. Then I rang the hospital and, attempting nonchalance (since I had already bothered so many nurses today about Anthony’s meds. etc.) I was put onto a lovely nurse who handed me to a very strong-voiced Ants and I said goodnight to him without tears in my eyes. I had met this nurse earlier in the day when Ants had somehow clambered out of the bed and sliced his leg open and, as she was dressing the wound, I explained about the PDD and his previous post-op. behaviour. I did this in front of Ants because we have this unspoken honesty policy I guess.

Actually, no, not quite, because I am not sure whether to tell Anthony about his dementia or not. So far, I just say it’s Parkinson’s when he asks why this and that. I guess we will figure it out eventually. Tonight his left eye was swollen and blueblack due to the skin cancer being so close to it but the scar looks good and clean and it is such a relief to be rid of this horrible thing. Tomorrow I will take him back to the nursing lodge which might be tricky because he thinks I am bringing him home.

Animal Family Friendship

38 Comments »
Nov 19

Love story 119 – PS

by jmgoyder

During my bout of ‘Godiness’ yesterday I was reminded of the days when I first met Anthony and Inna and my shock at what I then thought was their secularism. You see, as a 17, nearly 18-year-old I had never really met people who didn’t go to church and I was appalled! I had been brought up in an extremely evangelical household with church twice on Sundays, prayer and Bible studies once a week and, as a kid, I used to wear ‘Jesus Loves You‘ badges and hand out tracts to perfect strangers. I was a staunch and very narrow minded Christian.

I spoke easily and confidently of my faith to Anthony and Inna much to their amusement and, when I look back, I both cringe and laugh at how I tried to ‘convert’ them to my particular brand of Christianity with the Bible-bashing zeal of my youth and limited experience of life’s ups and downs. Anthony and I would have heated arguments about God which usually culminated in him roaring with laughter at what he described as my naivety. So I would pray every night that he would see the light (with a PS. for him to fall in love with me – haha!)

Inna humoured me and when I said things like “I am praying for you to feel better”, she would smile twinkingly and say, “Well, that’s nice, darling,” and pat my hand soothingly as if I were the one who was elderly and ill. My self-righteousness at the time amazes me; after all Inna was very good friends with the Anglican bishop, donated generously to the church, and attended when she was well enough.

Today, in the hospital, waiting with Anthony for three hours before he was taken in to surgery,  I remembered all of these long-ago events and conversations. At one point, he dozed and then woke up with a start and looked at me piercingly. “Are you Jules?”

“Of course I’m Jules, you idiot, you haven’t even had any sedation yet and you’re already loopy!” I got the giggles.

He reached for my hand and his voice grinned as he said, “We are so crazy about each other aren’t we!”

I said “Yeah, yeah, now shut up and let me read my magazine.”

“I love you too,” he said, closing his eyes.

So I guess you could say that my PS prayer was answered!

He’s still in surgery so let’s hope the rest of the day is smooth sailing.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

20 Comments »
Nov 18

Comedies of errors

by jmgoyder

1. With a heart full of love and gratitude to Ming who had mowed lawns all day, then fed and put the gang away, I re-heated my chicken noodle soup made from scratch (yes, I boiled a chicken, boned it, removed the disgusting fat the next day, added noodles, vegetables and spices and voila!)

So tonight is the third night of the chicken soup. On night 1, Ming said it was like heaven; on night 2, he said it tasted even better. Alas, tonight, he said, “Mum, this dinner thing is becoming such an ordeal for me.”

Brat!

2. I rang the hospital this afternoon to confirm the booking for Anthony’s skin cancer operation tomorrow and not only was there no record of this, there was also no record of the original date. So I had to make several more phonecalls to figure out if Anthony and I were real people etc.

I just rang again and apparently we do exist so that is a great relief.

3.  At 4pm I answered the phone hoping it was the peacock rescuer man but it was Ants who had asked a nurse to ring me. He was completely disorientated and kept begging me to love him again. It took a long time to reassure him about where he was, and remind him about tomorrow’s operation.

I said “I love you, Ants” so many times, until he finally believed me.

Animal Family Friendship LOVE STORY

34 Comments »
Nov 18

Love story 118 – Sunbaking

by jmgoyder

Anthony’s skin cancer operation has suddenly been fast-tracked to tomorrow (Monday) – yikes, I only got the phonecall Friday. Okay, for those who don’t know this, Anthony has a very nasty skin cancer right next to his left eye and it is painful, so it has to be cut out. This has to be done in hospital so he needs to be there by 9am and I still haven’t decided whether to get the wheelchair taxi and meet him there or take him myself. His mobility at this time of the morning isn’t good.

Over the years, Anthony has had multiple skin cancers either burned off (with that nitrogen spray stuff) or surgically removed. Many of them have been squamous cell carcinomas, not melanomas, which is good. He was born into an era where hats were worn haphazardly and sunscreen probably hadn’t been invented and, when I met him, he was in the habit of sunbaking after lunch to get a tan. Inna (his mother) would often ask me where he was and I would tell her he was lying out near the fig trees and she would tut-tut and say that was fine as long as I wasn’t sunbaking with him – ha! At the time, that would have been a dream come true for me but I am glad I didn’t as he has now had over 50 skin cancers burned off and several requiring surgical removal.

So tomorrow will be an adventure of sorts because of how his PD, and now PDD, is likely to affect the ordeal. The surgeon is not going to do the procedure with a general anaesthetic (too risky) so Ants will be given a local anaesthetic and sedation. The operation will take about an hour or so. I have to admit that I am absolutely dreading this because of what happened last time.

Last time, the skin cancer was on top of his skull so the pain he suffered afterwards was excruciating and his medications for PD were temporarily lost and he missed a dose or two: result, he went totally loopy and had to be on 24/7 watch. It was a nightmare just after the operation so I raced home to get his spare meds., raced back and sneaked him some and he was okayish for awhile but (this was a few years ago when he was more mobile) he kept trying to wander out of the hospital – argh!

Tomorrow I will have to arm myself with secret drugs – ha – and a double dose of patience with both Ants and the system. It is only going to be a day procedure this time and I’m not sure if this is a good idea or a bad idea – maybe he should stay one night in the hospital? I wish I knew. I have decided to take my box of paperwork in as I will be there for hours.

This is probably my overactive imagination but sometimes I can feel Inna’s smile of approval, almost as if she is kind of watching over her son, and me, and Ming. This is a good feeling.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

40 Comments »
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